Menopause Gave Me Wrinkles, Rage, and a Mustache—So I Gave It Skincare, Sass, and SPF

Let’s get one thing straight: menopause didn’t politely knock on my door and say, “Hi, I’m here with some life changes.” No. It kicked the door down, threw my estrogen out the window, and left me with dry skin, hormonal chin hair, and the emotional stability of a raccoon on Red Bull.

Welcome to the glamorous world of menopause skincare and self-care—where your face melts off, your moods swing like a drunk toddler on a swing set, and your skincare shelf starts to look like a chemistry lab run by Gwyneth Paltrow’s evil twin.

But don’t worry, darling. I’ve done the experimenting (and the crying), so you don’t have to. Here’s your survival guide to menopause skincare with a side of sarcasm and a whole lot of self-love.

1. Dry Skin? More Like Sandpaper Face.

I used to have that dewy glow in my 30s. Now? My face is drier than a group chat with my ex.

What to do:

Hyaluronic Acid is your new BFF. It sounds like something that might melt your face off, but it’s actually a hydration superhero. Slather it on before your moisturizer.

Skip the foaming cleansers. They strip your face like a 90s boy band strips their shirts on stage. Use creamy or oil-based cleansers instead.

Moisturizer: thicker than your last situationship. Go for ceramides, peptides, and all the fancy science-y stuff that makes your skin less sad.

Bonus tip: Face mist like a diva. Carry it, spray it, live your best “hydrated and mysterious woman in aisle 7” life.

2. The Hot Flashes Will Try to Cook You.

Nothing says "self-care" like applying your night cream, then sweating it off in 3 minutes because your body thinks you're a rotisserie chicken.

Hack it like a queen:

• Keep a mini fan on your vanity. Also known as your new emotional support appliance.
• Stick your skincare in the fridge. Not next to the leftover lasagna—get one of those cute little skincare fridges. Cooling eye gel = heaven during a 2am meltdown.
• Use lightweight, gel-based moisturizers during the day, and go thick at night (like your grandma’s knitting yarn).

3. Hormonal Acne Is Back. Because Life Is a Circle of Torture.

Just when you thought you left breakouts behind with bad high school decisions, menopause brings you chin pimples and forehead drama.

Solution?

• Niacinamide: calms down skin inflammation and your menopausal rage.
• Salicylic acid: fights clogged pores. Use a gentle one—no need to go full chemical warfare.
• Don’t pop it. Seriously. You’re not 14, and that zit isn't a stress ball.

4. Hair Where It Shouldn’t Be. And None Where It Should.

Ah yes, the cruel irony. You lose half your eyebrows and gain a tiny mustache. What’s next, a beard?

Fix it without losing your mind:

Face razors. Yes, you can shave your face. It’s called dermaplaning, it’s classy now, and it makes your foundation glide on like butter.

Castor oil for lashes and brows. Grow those babies back.

Acceptance + tweezers = peace. Some days, just pluck and move on. You’ve got bigger battles.

5. Skincare Is Self-Care. But So Is Saying No to People.

You know what’s really anti-aging? Boundaries.

• Say no to things that drain you.
• Take naps without guilt.
• Light a candle and pretend you’re in a spa, even if your dog is barking and your teen is yelling for pizza rolls.

And most importantly, laugh at this whole ridiculous, hormonal mess. Because if we can’t laugh at growing chin hairs and night sweats, we’ll cry. And crying causes puffiness, and honestly, who has time?

Final Thought: You’re Still Hot—Just Sometimes Literally.

Menopause didn’t steal your beauty—it just handed you a new skincare manual and said, “Level up, babe.”

So moisturize like you mean it, wear SPF like your inheritance depends on it, and own your glow—even if it’s just sweat from a hot flash.

Now go be fabulous, you beautifully aging goddess. And if anyone dares call you “ma’am” again, hit them with a serum bottle.