Deep Down In My Heart

Deep Down in My Heart

Deep down in my heart, it was made of glass. Every time someone used harsh words, it would break into pieces. Can you imagine how much it spread? No, huh?

The pieces of my heart broke, as if my whole soul had shattered. You wouldn’t know how much I love you, but I don’t know why your words hurt me so much. Tears from my eyes run down like a river — no, not even a river, maybe an ocean.

It hurts me when you don’t understand me, and instead, you start your own conversation.

I really don’t know why I’m so possessive about you. I love you like death would come and catch me. Whenever I think of being apart from you, I get horrible nightmares. In those nightmares, I feel like you are with someone — a girl I don’t even know.

I don’t know why this fear follows me. I wish I could sleep peacefully at night and not think about you. For me, you are my whole soul. I never wished to hurt you with my words or actions.

I think words are such strange things. If we use the right words, they give peace, and if we use harsh words, they hurt.

Every day and night, I remember how we used to talk. It’s okay for you to be independent. I won’t say a word if something happens.

This diary of mine has written how much I love you. I will never tell anyone how much it hurts when another girl wants you. It’s like you’re not mine.

I have decided never to tell you what hurts me, because you want me to have that pain. I never want to be apart from you. This long distance is killing me.

I remember how we used to call at night and sleep together, but now I’m not going to sleep like this anymore.

This distance has truly become a distance. Right now, I’m sitting on my office chair at my desk, thinking about what happened yesterday. Your words hurt me so deeply that I still remember every word you used.

But now I understand how much love you show to other people. They can’t survive the love you give. They are boys, and they get bored of too much love.

He said to me, “I don’t like your voice, and I don’t want to listen.”

I said sorry. Maybe it was my mistake. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for looking at your Instagram account.

Yesterday, I woke up at 8:00 am and went into my study room. Well, he calls it the press conference room, because whatever important things I have to do, I do it here.

I saw only nine messages from him. Well, who is he? He is my fiancé, my future husband. We will get married in December — not fully, like only signing papers.

Anyways, I picked up my phone, looked at his messages, and didn’t reply. Then I looked at his WhatsApp status. He had his photo on it.

He was looking cool, but I didn’t like that people would see it and say things like “wow,” “handsome,” “hot,” etc.

It gives me pain because I don’t want anyone to see him the way I do.

Okay, let me clear something: I love that people appreciate him, but not like this — posting cool photos on stories and all.

He was wearing his new white pants, a milky color, with a white and brown striped shirt, and his cozy jacket on. With a mirror, he took his picture, holding his orange new iPhone case.

Well… I went too deep, oops.

He took his picture looking cool and swaggy, and I was like, why the hell did he do this? Why did he put his picture on his story?

His account is private, but he has his female cousins added… but whyyy?

I don’t like any girl seeing him.

So here’s the problem: my heart sank down, and I had a nightmare that he was in shops with a girl.

After seeing his swaggy photo, I removed his story because he is mine. Only I can say good things about him.

If another girl says good things about him, he will get the evil eye, and he will also think he’s more handsome — which he is — and then look at me…

I’m too ugly.

Who said that to me? No one.

But my man doesn’t like my pictures. He says I take good pictures from FaceTime, with my ugly hair and my crazy smile — which I don’t even know how to do — and he says, “You’re cute.”

Okay, I went too far, sorry.

But deep down in my heart, I never want to lose him. My hands started shaking, my tears came, and I started praying…

I love him a lot, but I don’t know… when things hurt me, I will stay silent.