Did You Know All Along?

To someone who probably won’t ever find this,

Hey. It’s me, Lisa.

It’s been a while since we last talked, hasn’t it? Days, weeks; several months, even. I’m not sure if you remember me, honestly. If you don’t: read on at your own risk.

First of all - I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. After all, I already did that all those months ago with my blind curiosity and reckless attempts at coddling. I tried my best to keep you out of my own agenda as much as I thought I could. But clearly, that wasn’t enough. There’s no excuse for what I did there, and I am nothing but sorry for that.

You were an innocent person that didn’t deserve the things I put you through. At least, mostly. Maybe. Right?

I told a colleague of yours long ago that I could hardly bear the thought of one of your old friends - now a high ranking director - back then. Things only got worse after I first brought it up. It’s still somewhat true nowadays. However, I did heal from it enough to watch for our former circles from time to time. And let’s just say what they’re saying about you isn’t looking pretty.

From what I can gather, you’ve tried to manipulate multiple people. You have apparently attempted to exploit your own mental health struggles against your friends and colleagues, not to mention getting others to gang up against an abuse survivor. That’s not even getting into your intimate relationship issues. Dear lord, how you seem to be terrible at maintaining them.

You know how that director buddy of yours used me and got me humiliated in front of a bunch of people we knew? Perhaps you don’t - not that I’m in the mood to blame you, considering how that whole situation went down. But the kinds of things he actually did to me, whether people from our former sector believe or not, are some of what they’re claiming you did to them.

As strange as it may sound, it was kind of nerve-inducing to go through the proof. We weren’t ever awfully close the way the receipt givers were with you. However, I didn’t want to believe you were the terrible person everyone was making you out to be at first - not when you created a space where I felt safe expressing the kind of passion that just wouldn’t fly elsewhere.

That being said, I did get through enough of it to have a fuller picture of your true nature. While I will admit some of the claims are rather dubious (if not necessarily untrue), there’s just too many that are and too numerous of them for everything - or even most things - to be false.

Perhaps I’m not the best person to be talking about moral character after what happened between us. Yet…I can’t help but feel that maybe, just maybe, you weren’t as unwitting a party to my turmoil as I’ve always thought you were.

For the longest time, I figured that your anger at me during our fiasco was a mixed bag of some justified grievances and a bunch of lies you were fed. I mean, that’s what almost certainly applied to most other people around us in those types of situations. I didn’t think your exasperation at me was unreasonable in any way, given the evidence you had at the time.

Looking back, though…I’m not so sure now. It’s not that there’s anything new related to me that could prove you were more than an unwitting or pressured pawn ever since I left you and them on a chilly day. Rather, it’s stuff from the past that part of me sees in another light.

Technically, your old manager friend wasn’t the first to speak once my situation really started. It was you. You typed in all caps and talked about how I was a prying busybody who wanted you to actively get involved in stuff I never wanted you in and only brought up because you were already an informant due to him.

Don’t get me wrong: he did make plenty of false claims of his own. Things that he knows are untrue. However, you did just as much talking - if not more - than he did about me. And when I tried to get my side out when it wasn’t clear, you didn’t exactly let me.

Given that whatever you said about me tended to either resemble his lies regarding me or at times, were truly accurate statements, I figured that it was just you being under his influence and my own lack of communication. Yet sometimes I wonder: what if you knew all along and helped him?

Because I do know that you were close with him. You were also in a highly ranked position, and he wasn’t too far out of your league. I’ve seen too many powerful people trying to appease wrongdoers of similar rankings to get their way and maintain stability by now. Were you one of them - trying to get on his good side regardless of what was really going on?

I’m aware of this for sure: there was absolutely a power struggle between you and him sometime after I disappeared. When one of the top presidents left, you couldn’t fully agree with him on how to run things. Things escalated and now, he’s in even more good graces at our old institution thanks to other people’s testimonies about how you treated him.

Whether or not they’re true? I don’t entirely know. But in case, somehow, by some working of the universe, that you were more involved in my downfall than I was led to believe:

Was it all worth it? Was it worth being his partner in crime or an accomplice to help screw me over - someone who had practically nothing to give you? You were already at the top longer than he had been at the time. Did you find my turmoil amusing?

I know I did you wrong. If you were in on his plan after at least some of that, it’s alright. Perhaps I did deserve it from you.

But if not? If you knew from the start? I don’t know what to say. I can’t fathom how I’d respond to someone who would not only lie to and about me like your manager/director friend did, but then actively conceal their role in my losses. How could I even begin - when he’s riding a wave of support from your fall and going to you would be a step out of the fine line I must toe?

Unless some miracle happens, it’s not like I’d ever really get an answer now.

But maybe, just maybe, I don’t need one to move on.

So…take care. And please don’t hurt any more people than you already have.

Sincerely,

Lisa

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