Lately, I'm empty

Lately, I feel an emptiness inside of me that doesn’t make any sense. I was fine a week ago and now I’m numb to the pain that I’ve been carrying around. Numb to the idea of me existing. I wish I could go to a place where I can hear happy positive thoughts and surround myself with joy. The medication I’m on doesn’t seem to work anymore. I still feel pain from existing, why am I here anyways? Merely to exist. I don’t feel like I’m making any differences being here.

I wish I could be a normal person who goes around feeling normal feelings. Then, at the end of the day does not care what people think or have to say because they are sure of themselves. I wish I didn’t feel like not doing anything and wanting to hide away and never return.

It’s a huge loss of hope I’m feeling lately. It’s like I have nowhere to go and nowhere to be me. I’m not even sure I know who that is half the time. It’s always something different with me. I wish I could say I understand why my mental health feels like it’s falling apart. I guess this is what healing feels like. Your good for a while and then all at once you feel this deep sadness and anguish built up inside of you with nowhere to go.

I wish I didn’t need medication to live a life. And sometimes I wish I could just get lost inside my head again. Run away and never return. It’s not like I’m surrounded by hateful people. It’s just that I feel like I somewhere along the way began to hate myself.

I know it seems quite negative what I’ve written here. And it is. I’m just trying to convey my feelings or understand myself. Maybe that’s why I’m so lost. Humans are complex beings we won’t be able to understand everything ever. Which is what I’ve had to accept as a person.

Theres always something good to look forward too. I have played a victim of my illness for too long now. It’s time to look forward with gratitude. Gratitude with finding hope that everything around me will find it too. I hope you find this written post well.

I don’t want anyone to pity me or feel sorry for me anymore. I want everyone to find me admirable. To see I made it out of the hole in put myself into. The self destruction needs to end. I need to be happy with who I am.

Whoever I want to be, I will become. I will become the most ambitiously admirable person I’ve always wanted to be. I will not heir to those who don’t believe in me. I will believe in me. I think that’s the whole point is to love and believe in yourself.

The mind is a powerful place and the heart renders to it. So, if I want to be admirable I must be careful of both. My awareness has escalated and I’m so proud of myself for it.

It is in moment of weakness where we see the truth. Where we realize the need for gratitude and change. Let yourself be weak for every time we are weak we get an opportunity to stand back up. To reshape our crowns and find solice again and again. It is not just a learning tool but a mind altering awareness that maybe I’m doing something not exactly right and need to fix it to be better everyday.

If you got this far, thank you.