Loved or unloved?

After 6 years, I am single again. I don’t hate the person who loved me. I don’t hold any grudges or anything against the person who gave their all. They decided to leave, and that was their choice. But in reality, it does hurt. It hurts to the point it’s hard for me to breathe. Having chest pain throughout the night and not sleeping. I thought we were going to be together another year, but after 4 days in, they decided to break things off with me. The date was January 4.

I begged for days for them to reconsider or at least think things through, but they were far too long. They didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. As the days went on, I was sad, upset, and frustrated with myself. Thinking about what I can do to get them back or for them to love me once more. For them to give me another chance, but they didn’t love me anymore. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I kept looking at my phone to see if there was a message or a call from them: nothing. Waiting in despair. Waiting for a sign that they’ll come back. But they kept pushing me away. It wasn’t my fault what happened. They decided to leave me. But I don’t have closure yet.

I waited in agonizing pain every day for something, but they moved on with someone else. Two weeks, that’s all it took them to like someone else. To find someone else. They started to hang out with that other person. My heart shattered again. Something that was broken into pieces broke into a million pieces. I was devastated, hurt that someone could move on with another person, although you said you loved me. I was hopeless texting them for an answer on how you moved on so quickly. They gave me the cold shoulder and ignored me throughout the weeks. But honestly, I don’t hate them. I can never hate them for anything. And that’s what makes me different. Still loving someone who left me.

They did love me with all their heart, but after 6 years, it faded away. I don’t blame them. I say maybe it was time for us to end things. Till this day, it hurts me, but I have to understand that the chapter ended. That chapter is no longer with us. And I need to better myself and keep moving forward.

Now, a few weeks have passed since the breakup. During this time, I did much thinking, crying, and self-reflecting. Now, I feel okay. I realize there’s no going back, only forward—especially with the person who decided to leave the relationship we fought so much for. All the memories and sacrifices we made, as well as our accomplishments together, seem to mean nothing to them now. So, it’s time for me to start focusing on myself and God.

At my lowest point in life, a heartbreak can ruin someone if you let it happen. But God told me, "Don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t feel guilty." He told me "it’s not my fault." That I have to keep going in life and to go in his direction. He has his arm wide open for me. He waited many times for me to turn to him. And I did.

Now, it’s been a month. A month of working on myself, self-growth, and empowerment, and I know I’ll be okay. I was either going to marry this person, or it would be the worst heartbreak ever. It was the second option. But I can’t stop now. I have to keep going. Because I know I’ll find my person who will be by my side through everything. Accept me for who I am? Somewhere out there, my person is there wondering too.