From the Inside, You Killed Me

From the Inside, You Killed Me

Preface

I cannot believe we are here again. 30 years and we are here again come on now enough is

enough. I stared in my sister's room playing crazy 8 and Uno these are card games for money, I had a

strenuous childhood. It was because I was overweight, and I felt unloved. I looked like my mother, but I

acted like my father. I stole money off my mother's dresser to buy snacks. I always felt inferior because

of my weight my mother would say upsetting things at times. I always in life wanted to feel love not so

much to be loved but to feel the love I heard so much about. I found that people can say that they Love

you, but you do not feel the love which would leave you so empty inside. I had a dog name sparky that

Loved me no matter what my size. I remember my first encounter with drugs, WOW I thought I was on

top off the world. I turned to women to love and have relationships with, but I soon found forever

meant however long their Forever and their love would last toward me. All my life I felt poor broken and

mishandled. There was one disappointment after another feeling rejected became the norm for me. I

often thought boy if I had some money all my troubles would be solved. OMG was I wrong. I always had

to keep our relationship a secret like I was a dirty secret with men I was good enough to have sex with

but never good enough to marry and bring me home to mom so the people in the streets became my

family. The drug dealers were my bosses the people who was on drugs was my clients and the store on

the side street was my office.

The woman I dated cheated on me, talked bad to me, about and against me I mean these women

never covered me I was always left out high and dry when the chips went down. I never felt real love I

wanted a husband 8 kids and a career but what I got was disrespectful son out of wedlock lovers that

cheat on me one way or another. The love boat went sailing without me. I do not want to be in despair

taken advantage of or hurt the streets became my family. I have sad memories of time pass, but I sure

did celebrate when I got all that money. I wanted the family mommy life, but I am good with all that

sense they killed my dog. I just threw up my hands-on money life and love, I am in my fifties and never

made love to a man that I loved but most of all a man that loved me. Society killed me on the inside and

then got pissed that I fainted in life and the system and its people was the ones that killed me. From

inside I am going tell you what happen and how I landed here in this place.

It is terrible a horrific situation to be in so much turmoil in your mind in a prison with no walls no

guards no visitors just you and your despair. The place where you are it looks harmless green grass nice

buildings plight people but let us look closer. The children in the street playing, little boys racing their

bikes little girls playing jump rope. These children never would have thought the little boys racing their

bikes turn into grown men racing to get away from the police and the little girls playing jump rope would

be cleaning people's houses, watching their kids and those jump ropes turn into a rope of clothing lines

they are the housekeepers doing someone else laundry. Ok let me tell what happen I was determine I

was not going to be like that. These innocent children became hood rats, and I was one of them. I was

sitting on the stoop me and my dog and a few clients (Drug Abusers) gossiping about what is going down

on the block. The abuser really did not care about what I was talking about they just wanted to get my

little black book that had all my contacts and numbers and formulas to make money. I messed around

and hit the mother lode and I made a lot of money on the block around twenty grand. I make my money

then get a few drinks after sucking the life and morality out of the lives of these poor gullible souls. I did

not know I was under surveillance I was being watched, I preyed on them and they were trying to rob

me of my little black book.

I would drink and on occasion. I pass out and that is when the race was on to get their hands on my

little black book. There is some type of street loyalty to drug dealers because if you watched my back

when I got drunk, I would give you some more poison just enough to keep you hungry enough to keep

watching out for me. I was told Yō they trying to get your book. I would turn up my noise and say excuse

me what. Yes, girl they trying to get you. I was amazed that people would go through such links to get

what I had. I then said man I got protect me and my belongings. I heard that there was another dealer

muscling in on my block and the gossip is that he will pay anyone 500.00 dollars to that person that

could get my little black book WOW! The persons That I thought would watch out for me had turn coats

and now became a threat to my money flow and to top it off it was my cousin. I had a problem a big

problem what was I going to do. I vowed I never go against my family but unfortunately my family did

not make the same vow to about me. I needed a plan because a couple of times I came off my drunken

stopper I would find people going through my jacket trying to find my book and my Drugs, but my dog

would start barking and that is how I would know these jokers was up to NO good.

I remember thinking what a gross display of betrayal. I had to be smart about this because one wrong

move and I could lose it all. I decided to lean back for a couple of weeks hoping my once my watch dog

clients would be hungry enough to come back and work for me because I knew my cousin, he is not

giving up nothing. I knew that he knew that but the people on the street did not know that. I started

thinking how in the ham sandwich can I protect my precious book. Shazam, I got it I will talk to my

girlfriend she usually gives me great advice. The primary conversation went like this where can I put my

book where no one can find it. She said sow it in your coat I said no they will just steal the coat. OMG

then I had a brainstorm what else do I cherish beside my coat. I loved my little doggie more than my

coat ok she said what are you thinking my dog she what I said my dog I will sow the little black book in

my dog with skin flap which had a pocket like a coat to give me access to my drugs and my little black.

She said you know you crazy, but it might work. I then proceed to execute my flawless plan well I

thought it was flawless. I called the vet made an appointment Shazam we were in like Flynn. I went back

to the block you would have thought the president came to town. My clients flocked to me just like that

it was bananas. I was doing well for a while until one of my clients wanted to pet my dog, I shout You do

not touch my dog. I thought that was strange all the time I was out there everyone new .DO NOT TOUCH

MY DOG EVER. I did not know my girlfriend was sleeping with my cousin and she disclosed information

as to where the book was. I was floored people started asking want me to walk your dog. I said Hell No,

no one goes near my dog yaw know that. One day one of my use to be clients said, “you know they are

after your dog.” I said what “yes,” they want your dog I asked why? The client said your damn girlfriend

is sleeping with your cousin I said get out of here. The client said ok, but I am telling they are trying to

get your dog. I always chained my dog to the fenced where I worked. While I heard yelping. The joker's

cut the chain and took my dog. All hell broke loose that day on the block. The client was a decoy to

distract me while they drugged my dog and took her. I was devastated my clients are not that smart my

cheating girlfriend told it. I looked high and low for my dog she was nowhere to be found. I came to

realize my girlfriend might know where my dog was at. I confronted her she denied the whole thing, but

she had this strange look on her face and out the blue she said can you take my trash out I said what she

said take my trash out I said ok fine bye. OMG, I opened the trash receptor and their sparky laid dead

with her chest cut out. I stood there for minute in disbelief I looked back at my girlfriend's window and

there she stood with tears running down her face shouting I did not know they was going to kill the dog I

went crazy I started shooting up everything. The police officers were called I went to jail and the judge

said I was temporarily insane. I was committed to a mental institution I was broken hurt and feeling

mishandled. THE END.

by Patricia A. Ademola