A Letter for my Ate Cat

I want to write something beautiful about you, even if you’ll never get to read it.

You were one of the few constants in my life.

My closest friend. My supporter. My ally. My partner in laughter. In tears. In secrets. Just as stubborn. Just as brave.

My ally. Do you still remember when we were kids? How hard-headed we were? How our moms used to be our 'enemies'? We had each other’s back. We always have.

The one who always treats me, even when I finally had my own money. You are my 'Ate'. With you, there was somebody who takes care of me. I was always the one taking care of everything. And it's tiring. With you by my side, I am not the eldest. I have a big sister. I was your favorite.

Laughter, tears, all the drama — we just let it all flow. I had a lot of drama in life? But you? You had mountains! It was difficult for you to believe that people loved you. But somehow, in the end, I hope you finally knew.

In those times when you felt so alone, you stood strong. Smiling in front of everyone, crying deep down inside. We were brave, weren't we?

But there were happy moments too.

I will always remember your beautiful smile. The genuine happiness in all the times that we saw each other.

"I love you, ate Cat." I would always send you this message.

“I love you more.” Your reply. Always.

I will never read the same message on my phone again.

Our plans of walking along Aroma Beach when we retire? That’s off the table now. Maybe, someday, if I really get to do my morning walk along Aroma Beach, I will remember you. I will always remember you.

You were too stubborn. You thought it was all a joke. But I was just as stubborn. We were both nonchalant. You had cancer. We thought it was just a flu. We both believed it would go away. That we'll be back to our normal lives again.

But no. We thought wrong.

Last night while I was driving home, I already knew. You were right beside me saying goodbye. I could feel you. There was a sharp pain in my chest. I cried. I was not ready. I will never be ready. I dreamt about this last December. About getting a call that somebody close to me died. I was crying in that dream.

Somehow, I did prepare for the worst. For the last months that I'd been praying, I would also pray that you'll stop feeling all the pain.

I talked to Mama while lying on my bed alone in the darkness of my room. I hoped she was not so busy in heaven, she could hear me. I asked our aunts and uncles, who went ahead of you, to welcome you. To take care of you in your new home. I hope you'll be happy with them. I hope you will be showered with all the love you deserve.

You will always be in my heart, ate Cat.

You will forever be missed.

I love you...

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This letter was written on January 5, 2019. The same day my cousin and my best friend, ate Cat, died. She was only 42.

Ate is a Filipino term of endearment for a big sister. Pronounced as ā té.