Children Live What They Learn

Full disclosure.

I was not a perfect mom, and I know I still am not; there is much that I need to learn yet. An aspect of my shortcomings I now see manifesting in my eldest daughter whose father I never married. When she was 4 years old I married my first husband. Before we had our own children, my eldest was doted on and spoiled, but when *our* first child came along, my first stopped being the baby and came - sometimes a distant - second when it came to choosing which child would get the attention and the treats.

My eldest spent a lot of time being yelled at and not being heard as fully as she should have been. Now - I see that pattern that I was subjected to as a child, that I exposed my children to, now manifest itself in the relationship and interaction between my daughter and granddaughters (see picture). My eldest granddaughter was also born out of wedlock, and the baby, which is the product of a happy marriage between my daughter and her husband does not get in trouble nearly as often (though she is at fault) and gets the treats and attention that my eldest granddaughter deserves equally.

More full disclosure.

I was taught that the partner gets priority in the family dynamic and the children come after the husband. It took THREE failed marriages/relationships on my part and nearly losing the relationship with my daughters from the first marriage to FINALLY get it through my thick skull to put my children not only first but to be mindful about treating them equitably. I have twin boys from my third relationship (the marriage is null and void because our previous marriages were not yet finalized so we were committing bigamy), and once again the older children were put on the back burner in favor of the babies.

Not wanting to fail yet again, I did my best to make the third union stick, so I worked hard at putting that partner first. After several years (somewhere between 5-7) when it was obvious that we were not operating from the same page, never mind the same book, and the children were not being treated equally, I started going behind his back in an attempt to keep both the relationship and the children happy. I was leading a double life and eventually I broke. I withdrew. I stopped communicating. I cheated on him - which I believe was my subconscious wanting a way OUT.

Thankfully, we are no longer together.

I am currently living with my eldest daughter and her husband and her two children as she expects her third child - the second with her husband. I see me in the way my eldest daughter interacts with my eldest granddaughter. And it makes me sad. And, I recognize she is a link in a chain of children living what they have learned.