Gentle Parenting is Not Permissive
What exactly is it, and what impacts does it have on children?
Gentle parenting is a parenting technique that focuses on empathy, respect, and positive relationships between parents and children. It falls under the firm but kind authoritarian parenting style: aiming to teach children skills like emotional regulation, communication, and confidence. Due to its opposition to harsh punishment and its emphasis on consent and autonomy, gentle parenting is often assumed to be permissive. Parents who practice this parenting style are often met with judgement. Even some who practice gentle parenting are unaware of what it truly entails, contributing to its misconceptions.
The concept of gentle parenting was first introduced in the 1700s by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, a philosopher and writer who believed in the autonomy and independence of children. However, it wasn't until the twentieth century that psychologists began to thoroughly study child development and the effects of childhood experiences on long-term development. The term as we know it was first defined by British writer Sarah Ockwell-Smith in her 2016 book 'The Gentle Parenting Book." Since then, it's garnered popularity and interest, but remains frequently misunderstood.
An Overview of Gentle Parenting
Gentle parenting consists of five basic principles:
• Empathy: the awareness of your child's feelings and needs.
• Enforced, age-appropriate boundaries: the use of positive discipline to model children's behaviour.
• Open, honest communication: the validation of your child's concerns and the fostering of emotional intelligence.
• Mutual respect: the acknowledgement of a child's autonomy, feelings, and preferences.
• Unconditional love and acceptance: creating a safe environment where children feel accepted for their humanity rather than their achievements.
Positive discipline centres around the idea that there are no bad children, only bad behaviours. It shapes behaviour through the encouragement of positive traits and actions, eliminating traditional punishment and contributing to a stronger relationship between parents and children. A crucial part of gentle parenting is understanding that bad behaviour stems from unmet needs or lack of communication. In order to get to the cause of bad behaviour, we must confront the emotion or need behind it. Validating emotions and providing support helps teach children the crucial skill of self-regulation, which can be carried into adulthood.
It's important to remember that children are influenced by behaviours they are exposed to. Modelling positive behaviours and acknowledging our own mistakes encourages mimicry from children, and can influence good behaviour.
What's the difference between permissive and gentle parenting?
• Boundaries and Discipline: Gentle parenting is believed by many to lack discipline. While permissive parents might attempt to set boundaries, they often struggle to enforce them, or do so inconsistently. Due to a lack of consistent boundaries, discipline is avoided. A gentle parent, on the other hand, does not avoid discipline. Instead, they set consequences while acknowledging the feelings behind a behaviour.
• Communication styles: Permissive parenting is characterized by high responsiveness and low demand, acting more as a child's' friend than their parent. A permissive parent often struggles to say no, giving into demands to avoid conflict, or avoiding difficult conversations to prevent upsetting their children. With a lack of guidance or consequence, children can struggle with self-control, responsibility, discipline, and setting or respecting boundaries.
Benefits of Gentle Parenting
• Fosters emotional intelligence
• Encourages positive behaviour
• Supports mental health
• Fosters independence, problem solving, and empathy
• Promotes stronger bonds between parents and children
• Reduces power struggles
Struggles of Gentle Parenting
• Difficulty in maintaining boundaries
• Emotional regulation
• Parental burnout
• Excessive time, patience, effort, and self-awareness
• Managing defiant behaviour
• Overemphasis on emotions
Of course, there is no right way to raise children. All children are different, and all will react differently to the same environment. While gentle parenting provides a balance between too lenient and too harsh, it will not be the best technique for every parent. A child who is introverted and sensitive, for example, might be easier to gentle parent than a child who is rambunctious and daring. In the end, we're all just parents doing our best to raise decent humans.
Sources & Further Reading
https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/gentle-parenting
https://www.cnn.com/2025/05/22/health/what-is-gentle-parenting-wellness
https://www.parentsavvy.com/the-impact-and-effectiveness-of-gentle-parenting/
https://www.thenurtureplace.org/post/understanding-gentle-parenting-vs-permissive-parenting
https://www.parentsavvy.com/the-impact-and-effectiveness-of-gentle-parenting/
https://www.parentingthroughconnection.ca/blog/gentle-parenting-not-the-same-as-permissive-parenting
https://rooparenting.com/where-does-gentle-parenting-come-from/
https://www.wokewaves.com/posts/evolution-of-parenting-across-generations
About the Creator
Antiquity Anecdotes
I'm an autist with an interest in world history and geography. I also write about mental health, my experiences as a neurodivergent parent, and queer issues.
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