Having a Birth Plan Ruined My Birth Experience

*TW: description of difficult birth

I have always been a planner. If there was a checklist to be made, I made it. If there was a schedule to create or an itinerary to prepare, I did it. I was, and still really am, the typical Type A Planner. So, when I got pregnant and heard about this thing called a Birth Plan, I knew it was my time to shine. I talked to everyone I knew who had given birth. I read piles of books on pregnancy and the birthing process. I knew my options and I knew what I wanted. And I definitely knew what I didn’t want. I wrote out my Birth Plan (on the Birth Plan form provided by my doctor) and gave a copy to the hospital, my Ob-Gyn, and my midwife team. I knew exactly how my birth experience was going to play out (If you’ve given birth, please don’t laugh too hard at me here). And this Plan was exactly what ruined the very birth experience I had, well, planned.

I gave birth in the hospital, as planned. But that was pretty much the only box that I was eventually able to tick off on the Birth Plan. One of the things I had decided early on is that I would give birth “naturally”, without the assistance of any drugs. I do not disparage anyone who goes into this process with the desire for an epidural or any other kind of medical assistance. Every woman should be free to give birth however she feels is best for her and her child. For me, though, I wanted to do it without any medicinal aid. We got to the hospital, admittedly, a bit early. This being my first time in labor, I had no idea what real contractions truly felt like. But the contractions were strong and consistent, so they let me stay. By the end of the first day, there had not been much progression and, as I was getting quite tired, the midwives decided it would be a good idea to give me some shots of morphine to help me sleep (definitely one of the most painful parts of the entire process). This was followed the next morning by the induction of Pitocin. There went the “no drugs” part of the Plan. Midway through the second day, the contractions were getting quite painful and my strength was fading quickly. After much discussion, and a huge emotional struggle on my part, we decided that I would get an epidural. There went the “natural birth” part of the Plan. Then, after four hours of pushing, and very little progression (i.e. none), the midwife let me know that I could keep pushing, but it really didn’t look like anything would come of it. I needed a C-section. There went the “vaginal birth” part of the Plan. This was all totally and completely the opposite of the Plan I had spent so much time and effort creating. Each time the process veered away from what I had so determinedly laid out, I was burdened with a new layer of disappointment, guilt, and regret. By the end of the whole process, the Plan was destroyed. I had failed.

But I had my baby in my arms. A very large, healthy baby. Alive, well, and already holding his head up to look in my eyes. We would both be going home to live this wonderful life together. And still, I felt mostly regret. Why was I feeling so horrible? Nothing that I had wanted to happen had happened the way I wanted it to. Nothing had gone to plan. I had been so focused on this Birth Plan, and what I felt was my inability to follow through with it, that I wasn’t able to fully enjoy the birth experience. And not just that day, but for many days and weeks to follow. I played the sequence of events over and over in my head. I kept wondering if I had just stuck to step one of the plan, would step two have played out differently and then step three. The first detour from the plan seemed like the beginning of a domino effect that ruined everything. And these thoughts plagued me. I could not get over what I felt to be a great failure on my part. But I had given birth. I had produced this child who, during those following days where I was so upset with myself, was discovering this world and beginning his own amazing journey that I should be happily enjoying with him. Instead, I struggled to forgive myself and I struggled to connect with him, leading to problems with feeding and sleep. All because of the Birth Plan.

Now, I am by no means saying that soon-to-be-mothers should not think about their upcoming delivery. You should definitely research all the options. Know what’s out there and what’s available to you. But words have power. And the labels we put on things have great significance. So please, don’t think of it as your Plan. Plans are set things and from that set thing, it can only go according to plan or it can go wrong. It’s a terribly negative situation you’ve laid out for yourself at a time when negativity is the last thing you need. I would also encourage doctors, midwives, partners, friends, and family, anyone involved in the pregnancy and birthing process, to stop using this terminology. It is too much pressure to put on the mother-to-be. In its place, I suggest a Birth Wish List. Think about what you would like for your birthing experience. What would your preference be when you are given choices? These are things you want to have ready and in mind in case you are faced with those choices during the delivery process. Labor is no time to make uninformed decisions. So, prepare yourself. And for the things that are in your control, proceed accordingly. Do you want a doula? Great, get one. Do you want to be wearing a specific gown or those super comfy socks? Perfect, get them and have them ready. But for all the other things, the when, the where, the how, prepare yourself to be flexible (literally and figuratively). Know what you would like to have happen, but don’t be too stuck on those wishes.

Words have power. What we label things means something. And when it comes to the birth of your child, certain labels can have large consequences. Avoid the Birth Plan and let the miracle of life happen.