Pregnancy Loss

After trying to conceive for over a year, my husband and I were overjoyed to notice 2 pink lines show up on a pregnancy test in June, the day before father's day. We struggle with fertility because of a low count and motility and a hormonal imbalance, male and female factored, double whammy. I had finally been able to tell my husband, happy first father's day. Tears of excitement and happiness, soon to be tears of pain and heartache.

An ultrasound at 6 weeks and 2 days where they noted baby was just a too small to detect, but noticed another sac, twins. They gave the other possibility that this pregnancy wasn't viable, we were hopeful and praying that wasn't the case. We did a Beta check 2 days later and it doubled like it should have. We had no idea that just a few days later, they would no longer be growing. That mother's intuition they tell you about, it's real. The next ultrasound was 5 weeks away. I reached out to my doctor to push an earlier ultrasound because something just didn't feel right. Again, mothers intuition knew something wasn’t right.

We were told the news and were heartbroken. The next few weeks have been talking about might having to do a D and C. I've been trying to survive and just waiting for my body to take its course naturally, and it hasn't. Speaking with the IWK determined we would go through the medication route. My body did what it should have, but also had some complications.

As I went through this process, the couple of weeks were the constant checking for bleeding every time I went to the washroom. It’s the constant wonder that maybe the doctors were wrong. It’s the constant “is this it” when you experience cramping or discomfort.

What's next? The words of "oh you can try again", "at least you know you can get pregnant", "you're still young, you have tons of time". Many more comments flooded my ears and my inbox. They don't realize that's not the things you need to hear. There is no right thing to say to someone going through a pregnancy loss. A close friend of mine noted that she doesn't even know what to say but she loves me and is praying for me and grieving with me. That's the most perfect response.

How do you navigate through a loss? Not even just 1, but 2 babies. We lost 2 babies at once, how do you prepare for that? How do you even navigate and be there for each other when both parents are trying to process the news?

My body failed me and them. How do you muster up the courage to try again? Is there a proper timeline? No one prepares you for these types of losses.

It’s the constant unknown and making hard decisions. It’s trying to rely on yourself and your body to do what it needs to do without it ever happening. The only thing you can do through this process is be patient. Be hopeful, prayerful, and excited for the next time you get to carry and do everything you can to carry full term. Pregnancy after loss is not something anyone can prepare you for. Even the words “rainbow baby” make people apologetic, you’re always reminded of this. You’re always reminded your body couldn’t sustain life for another human being. Once you get pregnant with a rainbow baby, your doctors monitor you more because of it.

I have successfully made it through the other side. We go to see and hold the fetal tissue. On that day, we became parents to 2 angel babies, no one can take that away from us. We hold these babies close to our heart and know they are safe in the arms of their maker and our family members that have passed on. In this season, we are holding on to hope and prayer and loving one another in the best way we can. We are not having expectations for our future but trying to take it one day at a time.