TOXIC LOVE

TOXIC LOVE AND THE

By: Candace P. Wallace

“Good Morning sleepy head Baby Mama”, said a familiar but sometimes annoying voice as I answered my cellular phone off guard at 6:30 on a Friday morning. “Man, I have 15 minutes left before my alarm clock goes off for work, I responded to Landon, my kids father, whom I had developed a more cordial relationship with in the past 3 years since our split almost 8 years ago. Landon giggled and responded, “I wanted to see if you knew anybody that would pass my boy Henry’s car inspection”, I know you know a lot of mechanics out there in Virginia so I thought I’d call so you can jump on that early for me”. “First of all, I rebutted, how in the hell do you figure I know a lot of mechanics? Second, I am not your damn personal secretary and third, why are you calling me this early in the morning”? Landon giggled again like I was some sort of joke and stated, “Girl, every time you needed your car fixed, inspections etc. from the time we were together up until now you always had a good side mechanic”. I could hear the sarcasm in his voice which made me giggle as well, remembering how he always would accuse me of being with the mechanic, the maintenance man, the mailman, even the preacher man. If he wasn’t a man I was related to, take it from him, I was with him. Shaking my head over the phone, I replied, “You mean to tell me you don’t have a woman in that Little Black Book of yours, that knows a mechanic that can hook your boy Henry up”? He responded, “Nope not in Virginia”. Landon had moved to Phoenix, Arizona 4 years ago with his rebound Heather, who popped up and moved in with him immediately after I left him. Looking at the clock it was 6:44a.m. and I knew my alarm clock would be going off in a minute, so I told Landon I would see what I could do, just to get him off the phone. As I hung up the phone, I began to think of our crazy, toxic, young love that lasted almost 16 years and the lessons I would learn from it. We both thought we were so much in love.

When Landon and I met it was the most vulnerable time in my life, I was 19 years old and had dropped out of just a year and a half of collage after suffering the loss of my high school sweetheart to a violent crime committed against him for trying to break up a domestic dispute. I was so hurt by the loss; I began searching for love everywhere besides within myself. As I walked out of the smoke-filled night club, I almost stumbled over a big rock in the parking lot, feeling very tipsy I heard a deep voice say, “Damn that nose ring is so sexy”. When I looked up, realizing I was the sexy one with the nose ring, I saw the most handsome skinny light skinned guy standing there licking his lips like LL Cool J. I Looked up at him, as I was only 5’1 and he was about 6’0 feet, and replied shyly, “Thank you”. The handsome guy had swag and was smoking a cigarette which was a breath of fresh air, so to speak, because I was a smoker myself. A lot of guys I dated didn’t like that about me. As a matter of fact, that’s what I loved about my recently murdered boyfriend, he accepted me for who I was, even though he didn’t smoke at all. “Landon”, he stated, giving me his hand. “Hello Landon, I replied, sticking my hand out to shake his, which he turned my hand over and kissed the back of it ever so gently I almost fainted. “I’m Sasha”, I said grinning from ear to ear. “What are you doing in this club”? “You look way to young to be here”, Landon said as he looked me up and down. “There’s ways around that”, I said with great confidence as I flashed my fake I.D in front of his face. He laughed and showed my I.D. to his friends who were standing next to him. They all got a kick out of the picture on the I.D. Landon looked at me impressed and said, “Girls get away with anything, this picture doesn’t even look like you and they can’t possibly believe your 22 years old”. I looked at him jokingly and said, “why not”? “Landon simply replied, because your still wet behind the ears”. He and all his friends laughed hysterically. “Ha Ha”, I said, kind of embarrassed by their laughter at my fake I.D. “What are you doing here, I asked Landon, I still smell similac on your breath”. His friends busted out laughing at him. “Ouuuu, she got you man” they said jokingly. “Right, Landon said, she’s a little firecracker”. I saw my girl cousins come out of the club and I gestured to them to show them my where abouts. Landon asked for my number as he pulled out a little black book. I gave him my number and he jotted it down in that black book, as there were no cell phones back then only pagers. “I’ll give you a call Sasha, said the ever so smooth Landon, I’d love to take you out”. “I’m looking very forward to it”, I replied blushing. As he walked away towards a white Jeep Wrangler and hopped into the driver’s seat, my cousins and I screamed and stomped, dancing around like he is fine, and he drives a fly wrangler. It was love at first sight, so I thought.

From the first date Landon and I connected in a way I never thought possible. We were both 19 years of age, but he was about 7 months older, we enjoyed doing the same things and we became so close we wanted to spend all our time together. We both introduced each other’s family and became a couple. Landon was raised by a single Mom and I was raised by both parents. His mother and sister loved me, and my parents and sister liked Landon too, however they all thought we were moving to fast, especially when I got pregnant with our daughter 6 months later. My Dad was so furious with me he didn’t talk to me for weeks. Landon and I were so in Love we couldn’t even keep jobs. Finally, I gave birth to Star. We named her that because we both thought she was so beautiful she was destined to be a Star. Star seemed to bring the family closer, however being a mother and being with Landon all the time made me miss my friends a lot, hell I was in my early 20’s and I felt like an old housewife. Landon and I finally worked steadily for about 2 years and Star was about 4 years old when we got our own place. We weren’t there 2 weeks before the fights started. Landon would go out sometimes and stay out all night long, claiming he got drunk and had to crash at his friend’s house. I was so furious about his behavior I started to investigate. One night he was asleep, and I went through his precious little black book. He had so many girls’ numbers in that book it literally made me sick. I called every number, some would just hang up on me, some would get smart and say, “well I guess he’s not only your man then is he”? Finally, I kicked Landon out and he went to stay back at his mother’s. I was so hurt, I decided two can play that game. I started taking Star to my parents’ house on the weekends and inviting company over and hanging out all the time. I even got a little heavy into drugs. My life began to go into such a world wind, I wondered if our parents were right about us moving so fast.

The more I numbed myself with parties, drugs, friends and male company, the more I missed Landon. I avoided him until one night of partying turned into a friend of mine getting killed in a horrible motorcycle accident. I called Landon and he came right over showing so much love and concern I thought we could reconcile, until he returned to his usual controlling ways. I refused to let him move back in because I knew he hadn’t changed. One particular day Landon visited, a male friend of mine stopped by unexpectedly, he chased the gentlemen out of the house, he and I got into a terrible argument and he hauled off and punched me so hard in my right eye I needed stitches. My father wanted to kill him, his mother blamed it on the abuse she suffered at the hands of his father and it became a big hatred between his family and mine. Landon was locked up for domestic violence and as bad as I wanted to drop the charges, I couldn’t because the Commonwealth of Virginia picked up the charges and convicted him having him do a 6-month jail sentence. I never wanted Star to see her father in that light, as if she didn’t see enough disfunction in her little life already. To make matters worse, a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with Sebastian. I longed to keep my family together, so I stuck by him through his jail sentences. Yes, multiple jail sentences. His violence and quick money schemes landed him in jail often. Landon stuck by me through my drug and alcohol abuse and low self esteem to the point it became so volatile and toxic I made up my mind to leave him for good before someone really got hurt mainly my children.

When I finally left Landon, Sebastian was 9 and Star was 15. It was very difficult at first because in the back of my mind I felt sorry for Landon. He was broken and the relationship had broken me, but I prayed for him. I Prayed for myself and my children seeking counseling for us all and although Landon refused to go, refused to pay child support and refused to let go of his family, we both finally moved on. Landon moved out of state with another woman and I finally found peace. As a matter of fact, I think moving away was his peace as well. Co-parenting became so much better. Although finding himself employment and stability was rough at the beginning of his move, I saw him making positive steps to better himself. He sought counseling, found a stable job in which he loved, he contacted and visited his children often and joined a bible study group. Star graduated high school in June, and he was right there. Baby Bash, which Landon nicknamed Sebastian, was a middle school basketball Star and Landon would always make it to all of his fall tournaments, as a matter he had just visited 3 weeks ago attending his son’s basketball tournament and we all went out to eat, did karaoke, laughed and had a wonderful visit with him. Landon had a heart to heart with me and his kids that visit, letting Star and Bash know how proud he was of them both. He even commended me on being a great mother and holding it down when he fell short. Landon left the next day and I really am proud of him and the co-parenting space we were in. As I shook off the daydream of my past and prepared for work that day, I remembered his request for a mechanic for his friend. As soon as I got to work, I called my mechanic and set up an appointment for Landon’s friend Henry. I called Landon later that night, but I didn’t get an answer, so I left a message and went in the kitchen to prepare dinner. Suddenly Star and Sebastian came through the door. Star had just picked Bash up from Basketball practice and we all talked about the events of the day. “Oh yeah Ma remembered Sebastian, Aunt Marsha in boxed me today while in practice and asked me to tell you to call her asap”. I found this rather strange because I don’t remember the last time I talked to Marsha. “Okay, did she leave a number”, I asked Sebastian. “Yeah Ma, here it is”, replied Bash. “Put her on speaker”, shouted Star excited to hear from her Auntie. I dialed the number and put the phone on speaker. “Hello”, said the shaky voice on the other end. “Hey Marsh, I replied, Bash told me you wanted me to call you”. Marsha started to cry, and an eerie feeling came over me. I immediately looked at my children and their facial expressions changed drastically, showing concern and fear. “Marsha, what’s wrong”? I asked. “I’m sorry to tell you this Sash but my brother is gone”. My kids began to scream, and cry and I began shaking profusely. I asked her where he was gone, hoping she would say something other then what she said. “He’s dead, Marsha screamed and sobbed, he had a massive Asthma Attack today and passed away alone in his home”. “My kids and I were devastated; he was just here 3 weeks ago, and I just talked to him this morning. That’s why I didn’t get an answer from him when I called him this evening. I consoled my children. That evening we cried, laughed and reflected on the good times. Although we’d found our peace, that evening our lives changed forever.

Marsha had Landon’s body flown back to Virginia so that he could be buried right next to his mother who passed almost 10 years prior. I was happy my children and I could say our final goodbyes. As we began to leave the burial site. Marsha handed me an envelope, hugged us and said, “He wanted you all to have this”. When we got home, Star, Bash and I opened the envelope. Inside was a check for $20,000

And a refurbished little Black Book. It looked more polished then that old one he used to carry. When I opened it, it had a bunch of plans for a mobile detailing business. Landon must have been making plans to start his own detailing business, as he always loved to clean cars until they shined like new money. I turned the page and the heading read, “STARBASH CAR DETAILING”, in bold letters. The kids and I cried tears of joy. He was going to name his business after his children. Under the heading read, “for my children and the woman who birthed and nurtured them into to the “STARBASHIANS” they are today. My kids and I hugged and cried and laughed at the fact that he called them “STARBASHIANS”. It was so fitting, and it was so Landon. It felt like he was preparing us and himself for this day somehow, like he was righting his wrongs. The moral to this story is a relationship may start off overwhelming and toxic, but it doesn’t have to end that way. REST PEACEFULLY BABY DADDY!!!