A phone call with the past

"What are you doing?"

Lucy almost dropped her phone.

The voice was tiny, and it gripped her at the waist, gazing up into her eyes. She could see them, two huge hazel saucers, and the strands of unbrushed hair tucked behind the girl's ears. A confused little mess. Was she doing the thing where she twirled one strand, with the rest in a messy heap, that really should be tied back in a way that suited her better.

A child. Had picked up the phone and called her. She was probably standing in the corner of the dark room, the one near the window, peering out of it, her hushed impatience daring her to dream…what if she jumped and ran? And her arms ached, and her legs tore at the road, winding her to who-knows-where, better than here, anyway. What if she was gifted? What if she didn't die? Would that thorny rose bush waiting below save her like a cure?

No, she would die wrestling with the red and green, and the castle of clouds would be dancing with the blue above. That was why she was calling.

Lucy didn't know how. She had to be dreaming. Why was her littler self, calling to her, over the phone? How had she got one? Was He, listening in?

"Um, hello?" she mumbled nervously, and in fear, closed her eyes. "Who are you?"

"I'm you!" the girl cried, and it was like Lucy's heart dropped, "I need help, p-please." She could hear the girl leaning toward the window, bouncing on her tiptoes, tapping the glass. "Does it get better?" she asked, "I need to know, is, is he gone?"

"y-yes." Was the response. The only thing Lucy could persuade herself to say. The girl had gone very quiet. Her mind was exploding into a magical kaleidoscope of screaming colors and simmering emotions, that Lucy knew too well. Her soul was singing, she was suppressing her desire to leap into the theatre of happiness she had rehearsed hopelessly in secret. The great glowing scenes where she ran down the road, her arms in the air, screaming at the top of her lungs to every person she saw- 'SHE WAS FREE. FINALLY. She was everything she wanted to be!'

Lucy was heartbroken in the rain. Reality dripped over her in thin, icy knives, scraping away at her skin of lies. Yes, he was physically gone, but this, this mini angel, had no idea that emotionally he lingered on in her life for years. He wasn't even physically in her nightmares, he was more like, an expressionless void chasing her. The cracks in her teeth. The air snatching itself out of her lungs. He was the shaking of her hands, the scratching of her head, the picking of her nails. In that sense, the empty man had followed out the door, to her new school, and right into her new home.

"I-" maybe this was a bad idea, but she couldn't stop herself. The sweet girl needed to know. It would be like a bandage for her wounds. "I need to tell you something."

The second she spoke the cheering started.

"HE'S GONE? OH MY GOSH. SO, WE'RE BETTER?" she giggled, "Are, are we cool now?"

Oh my. The old, dizzy dream. Lucy felt it take hold of her again, brighter and stickier than glitter glue. The irritating substance she had decorated all her diaries with. And regretted immediately after. Because it never looked as nice as they had thought it would have.

The dream had not come true. Her life had felt like something she had to climb down to, clawing her way down from the tower of fantasies she had set herself up in. It was numbing, insulting, painful, each step had a bullet of a word for her, to shout and blaze through her ear. Then when she finally had her feet firmly on the ground and she had to set the tower on fire.

"we're alone," she admitted quietly to the child, and folded out on explanation, "you see- "

"WHAT?" The poor girl felt her brain burn and didn't care for the explanation. Lucy could feel the tears snaking into her eyes. It hurt her. She failed…

"We, we were naïve. A child. Ok-"

"I cannot believe you. You actually failed again. I knew it, I should have let him-"

"STOP IT!" She gasped, the words, the plea, boiling through her, "STOP IT. NO. Don't, don't you dare-"

The girl was sobbing. Breaking. Hitting herself. It was no use trying to stop her, because otherwise she would never let this pain out. Lucy had to give her the space she craved to cry.

"I just wanted to be pretty," her tired voice wailed like crime in the darkness, "and liked and n-normal, popular, just like-"

The names of the people she didn't want to admit, filled the space. Lucy knew them and sighed. They had been like idols and monuments in her life, so far away, she could never reach them. She was nothing like them and had hated herself for it. Endless days she had spent, silently beating herself up, she lost herself in a sea of hate.

"Did," the girl eventually mumbled "did we at least become an athlete?"

"No," Lucy replied in a way that felt too cold, "we changed our mind. But we still run, for fun, not for medals and fame."

"I can't- I just wanted-"

The tears kicked at her. She scrambled for words. "We can't control what people think of us, ok, we learnt that. We don't determine our worth by how many friends we have anymore. We're free."

"What?" Of course, Lucy sighed, she couldn't understand…

"it's quite nice, really. Peaceful. Life doesn't end after the teenage years, you know, honestly, I feel like its just beginning. So what, if school wasn't a Netflix show, you know that is designed to entertain people, right. It's not reality. It's escapism."

"I-I needed that dream." The girl sniffled. It had been hope for her to hold onto, like a rope, to pull herself through the day with. It made crying in the night just that bit easier. Things would change. She would be everything she wanted to be.

"I know," Lucy told her, rubbing her eyes. She took a breath, pouring out what she knew she had needed to hear. It felt like reaching into her heart and pulling out a crown of sunlight. She held it out to her, her throat tightening with the words. She hated the feeling. The words were so unfamiliar, for a moment she wondered if she was really herself, because she seemed to fall asleep with every single one, fading out of existence, a great confusion enveloping her. "You are v-very smart," she managed to splutter, swallowing, "You, survived. I have so much to thank you for."

"Like," the girl chuckled, rolling her eyes, "what?"

But she could have cried at the sound of the girl's dismissal. And to her surprise a deep yearning awakened inside, desperate to devour the praise. So, suddenly, sentence after sentence followed and tumbled out and like a spell, spurring on another. She a had a book of words for the child.

"Did you not get us out." Lucy told her, smiling, "You knew your worth."

"I-I guess."

"You picked up a pen."

"Oh-"

"Best decision ever made. "She laughed, "Still do that."

"Really?" The girl's mouth fell open.

"You read all those books, fantastic. We did well in school. Credit to you."

"t-thank you." Right there, Lucy knew, gold stars twirled in her eyes and the world felt great.

"It is all thanks to you, that I keep going," Lucy admitted. "You didn't believe in yourself, but you sensed an injustice and worked to make things right."

"Do… do we believe in ourselves now?"

"Oh yeah. I believe in you. We've got this now. It was never, ever our fault."

"But I-"

Lucy's eyes glared daggers at her words. "You were a child."

"Well…"

"10 years of age. A child. Don't start. 10 is a child. I don't care how mature you felt. You were still entertained by teddy bears and Winx club and you were sitting in primary school. For a reason. You were a child."

"It's just, I never-"

"I know," Lucy sighed, a desperation sinking over her. "But taking care of others does not make you any less of a child. You still needed taking care of too. You didn't understand half of things you were feeling."

The was a silence. Lucy wondered if the girl was still there. Maybe she turned off her phone, chucked it away, and pouted at the walls. She hoped she wasn't, she hoped she could hear her. Really here her, not just listen and switch off to her old empty dreams and rules to devised for herself. The things she used to scold and scoff at her every move, like she was the one thing wrong with the world. Just because that man had made her feel that way.

"I love you."

The words circled her. She melted. Melted. The tears couldn't be stopped now. And they were as warm as daylight down her face. "You…love me?" Lucy cried, "I thought you hated me; I thought you were embarrassed."

"No, I understand," the quiet voice responded, "I get it."

"You…do?" It was like heart was expanding in her chest.

"But please, can you get yourself out there." The girl laughed, "Stop, preaching and-"

"What?"

"I'm scared of people!" The girl exclaimed, "You clearly are being a scaredy-cat still! I'm you remember! If we're pretty and peaceful, no reason to cry indoors anymore. Go outside and talk. A bit. At least."

"Umm…"

"You've gone very quiet. Does that mean I was right?"

"Yes." Lucy put a hand over her mouth and suppressed her stunned laugh.

"I was right!" The girl declared. Lucy knew she was punching the air. She was happy for her.

"Did I not tell you that you are very smart?"

"Yes!"

"Well done."

The child giggled and cheered. "Thank you!" But Lucy could feel the eye roll following, "so…"

"Alright," she said, turning a corner, "Of course. I promise. "

Now the building was in front of her. What would be her future for a good three or four years. She had been putting it off for a while, being a…scaredy-cat. It was a valid point.

Well, it was time to stop now.