Deviltry

Dad met me at the door, wearing a slightly dorky wizard’s robe. With a sparkly pointed hat, no less.

When I got inside, I saw the living room curtains were closed. And Mom and her coven had rolled up the carpets, chalked the circle, and lit the candles.

I squealed and ran upstairs to take the world’s quickest shower. This is where my rap lessons came in handy, because I could chant faster than anyone we knew in the craft. I made sure hair and body were properly anointed by the time I carefully made my way to the stairs. I didn’t want to trip over my robe, this was too important.

Frank was in the kitchen doorway, sipping on a dark latte. He doesn’t smile, but his eyes can really spark when the mood suits. “Excited?” he whispered, sending shivers down my spine.

I nodded eagerly, but didn’t speak. He half-snorted, and vanished into the kitchen.

No talking. First test passed.

I was mixing ground sulfur into the sacrificial wine when Dad came back in, decked out in ceremonial chains. I was startled – wasn’t I supposed to be the bait?

Mom caught my eye, her special eyeglasses flashing in the deep cowl of her soft robes. The hand signals were very clear: Trust us.

I shrugged, and kept mixing. I made sure that no one could see the third ingredient I added to the wine. That’s a requirement for the spell to work properly. The brew sparkled for a minute, then stirred itself for a moment more, and went still.

Subtle dexterity. Second test passed.

We took our places, and Dad stepped across the border of the second circle scribed in the corner. Mom snapped her fingers, and I could see the magic swirl up and surround him. If a demon didn’t know any better, the fresh smell of man-meat in the corner would be its next meal.

Time for me to take my place.

I was eager, but not too eager to forget that I must be the last to set my bare feet at my sigil. The order of placement was set by circle rank, and I was youngest. So many mess up at this point, letting their excitement get the better of them. Molly stepped up, then it was my turn. And the circle glowed golden yellow, forming a dome of swirled colors.

Patience and timely. Third test passed.

We joined hands, and our leader raised her voice in song-chant, and the rest of us hummed along.

Liza had a fine voice, though you could hear a trace of roughness from years of smoking, then years of beating cancer. She told us the Lord of Darkness wanted her long already for a special project, something about her devious mind that can’t be duplicated. Somehow she parlayed that into seeing her great-to-the-thirteenth grandchildren born, and sweetened the deal with what we were doing now.

The lines of the seven-pointed star glowed with our magic, flowing down to our toes, spreading and pooling to form a solid wall. Liza’s voice spiraled up in a chilling descant, and we dropped hands while simultaneously stomping our left feet.

A demon popped into our circle.

It was smallish, and blue-furred, and had pointed incisors peeking out by the corners of its mouth. A stubby tail with wispy curls of fur, and a clubbed end. Legs not too long, not too short, it could keep up with me nicely. Strong arms, in case things had to be carried.

Perfect.

It looked around, dazed, and focused on me. Then it snarled, and charged straight for my person.

A sizzle, a pop, and it was bounced back into the circle-star’s center. It shook off the stun rather quickly, focused on the man-meat in the corner, and charged for Dad instead. Another sizzle and pop, and bounced back. I could smell singed fur.

We let it test the wards, because the benefit of wearing it out was evident – to everyone, but itself. Even the snarls were cute, in a blood-curdling way. I think the two of us would get along just fine.

If I could bind it.

The air was blue with snarling, and the fur smell was now decidedly crispy-burnt. Was it sufficiently tired? I could take no chances.

I waited a bit more, then a little bit more.

The coven was getting restless, but I smelled a feint coming.

Sure enough, I twitched a bit, and didn’t it come charging at me one last time, full tilt, fangs out.

And it bounced rather spectacularly back to the center.

I knew it! I smiled, and the others nodded agreement.

I pulled out the goblet of wine, and gently pushed it through the warding circle. I had to be careful, because it put me in danger of getting snatched, and I didn’t want to be dinner.

But this time it was truly spent. I was able to get myself outside the magic dome again by the time the demon sniffed my offering, snatched it up, and drank it in one gulp.

We waited, and its eyes de-focused. It slumped, and was soon snoring and drooling. I’d have to clean that part up before it stained the floor, since it would soon be my tasks to walk, feed, and plan atrocities with against my fellow humans. We moved in, me with a heavily magicked towel, to work the bindings that would tie it to this realm.

*****

“I’m in hell, aren’t I?”

I caught Zab talking to Frank in the kitchen. This time Frank had a flat white, which was unusual.

Frank sipped thoughtfully before answering very quietly. “Depends on your perspective. If you like the Lower Realms, yes. This place is unnerving. Humans are unpredictable. Too cold or too hot, never just right. Scary when you get caught in a pack of kids, those things bite! But, they have coffee. It balances out.”

Zab stared at the mug in Frank’s claws, where bright red skin and carefully manicured talons cradled the pottery like a freshly-hatched chick.

“So, I can’t leave?”

“You stirred up too much trouble. This is how they get rid of troublemakers. But, do you hate your mistress?”

“Well, no, no more than any other human-”

“And are you smiting her enemies?”

“Oh messing with their homework is fun! And flattened exercise equipment! And killing the engine of the football team before they could travel to the big game-”

“And are you being very, very careful, so they don’t catch you and banish you from the campus?”

“Well, sure, but-”

“Then what are you griping about? They have coffee.”

Zab nodded thoughtfully, staring at the dregs of his own cup. “Hmph. Well, there is that. Maybe I should see if I can fix the espresso machine, but not a word to your mistress, or mine, or I’ll destroy it again. I’m not the domestic help here.” Frank nodded, and Zab slid out of its chair to fiddle with complicated equipment.

And I smiled, and faded into the hall’s darkness.

*****

Winter semester was glorious.

The boys left me alone. No more attempted gropes in the hallway, or unwanted attention, or cornering you in hallways before classes. Zab enjoyed making their lives a living hell when they pulled their crap, and I made sure to expand the protection for anyone they were trying to bully. It was amazing to see how many ways these alpha-wannabes could trip over shoelaces that had been tied moments before. Or the interesting location of stains that would appear when none of them had been near a fountain, or any other beverage. It was the small things that made them lose their minds, like pimples or green stuff in teeth or a cell phone suddenly losing charge. Things that couldn’t be traced, but were the bane of teens since the dawn of time.

Till the new girl came.

She was angelic, in that so-fake way that makes my skin crawl. Flawless skin, nails, teeth, blue eyes, soft wavy hair, fuzzy sweaters. When even my hands were itching to pet it, I knew magic was afoot.

I ordered Zab to stay home. The boys still behaved, because they were all trying to impress her with how perfect a gentleman each could be. My coven strengthened my personal wards till the itch to pet her went away. I kept myself to myself, and watched who went out of their way to suck up to her, and who avoided her.

Frank started drinking heavily, so much so that I could hear the tips of his claws vibrating against the mugs. It made me nervous by proxy.

I could see little sparkles in the air, following after her like the reek of a noxious perfume.

And she’d sniff all the time, like she was checking the air around her for it.

Creepy.

Over the next few days, the sniffing continued. The perfume smell got worse, and tried to cling to me all the way home. I started walking home widdershins, with laps around the block to strengthen the warding spells. Then in the back door, straight up the stairs, to take a cleansing shower. My clothes went in the laundry, with some extra cleansing salts.

Zab wasn’t happy about being told to stay put and not mess with the hag bag, and I agreed. If there was ever a person who was created as a mandate for Zab’s influence, it was her. I told Zab that I wanted to rip her perfectly pettable hair out, but we can’t. She’s using magic too, and in terribly unethical ways, and this won’t last forever, but we’re in a wait-and-see pattern till she steps a perfectly manicured toe over the line.

It didn’t take long.

I wasn’t the only one annoyed by The Sniffer, and we all avoided her everywhere. It was especially bad in the halls, where you could hear her coming, sniffing all the way, then leaving again in a miasma of cloying sweet-smelling funk. We ran in packs to avoid her, and still, here she’d come, sniff sniff sniff. Maddening.

She caught me coming out of the bathroom without anyone around me.

I tried to duck, and scoot, but all I heard was sniff sniff sniffsniffsniff SNIFF SNIFF SNIFFSNIFF “HA! Gotcha!”

Rather sharp nails tried to dig into my arm, but there was a flash and sizzle, and she yelped and got knocked back on her perfect little ass.

And suddenly all I saw was a backside of blue fur.

Zab had summoned itself, against my command, when that bitch tried to break the wards on me.

The Sniffer was bawling, and Zab growled deep in its throat. Before anyone could come to her aid, Zab snarled a guttural spell, and threw something invisible at her.

The perfection vanished.

In its place, a rather hideous demon sprawled out on the tiles. Blotchy red-and-green scaly skin, claws and hooves, cloven tail, the works. Six horns that looked like they were stuck on randomly by a blind wombat. Extra eyes, making her look more spidery than normal.

All her sycophants screamed in terror, and scrambled for any exit they could find.

She heaved herself upright, talons digging into the industrial tiles. Her freaky eyes settled on Zab. “Zababel, you slimy traitor. I will make you pay dearly for your interference.”

Zab shrugged, jerked a taloned thumb over its shoulder. “Have to get through her and her coven first. She’s got dibs on me now, signed and sealed by covenant, and if she’s smart, she’ll seal me to her daughters daughters for ten generations or more. So get in line.”

“Impudent upstart!” She tried throwing a spell of her own, and I was prepared to defend myself with my own spell arsenal, but a huge hand appeared behind her. It grabbed her with one twisted horn, and lifted. And held her suspended in the air.

She twisted and spat, leaving acid pits in the tiles. The hand, attached to an enormous arm, shook her in place, and I could see gobs of magic flying off of her. I caught a few, and I felt much, much stronger. Zab scrambled for the ones out of my reach.

I sidled to see who my rescuer was, and I was surprised to see Frank.

He was calmly draining her of all magic, which can be deadly for demons. One hand held her suspended, and the other cradled a macchiato.

She finally caught sight of her captor, and hissed. “Frazael! I knew I smelt you on that mewling human! I have found you, so now it’s time to return! You are my husband, and you will do your duty!”

Ew!

Frank snorted, loudly, and it shook the hallway. A bit of plaster dust drifted from the ceiling. “Sorry, darling, the divorce is final. You no longer have any authority over me, by seal and signature from the Dark Lord himself. If you’d bothered to read your copy, you’d know that. It’s in the fine print, after all. You may out-rank me in the Lower Realms, but here, you’re just an annoyance. And I have coffee.”

He took a huge gulp, and shook her some more. Rivers of magic poured from her, and Zab and I drank it up. She howled and tried to get away, but couldn’t get out of Frank’s grip. She became noticeably smaller.

She attempted to fight back with a spell or two, but all her efforts seemed to bounce off Frank’s chest. Through ripped and smoking fabric, I could see the parchment pages lining his jacket, and assumed this was the divorce decree.

I recognized her third spell, something rather powerful and dangerous. But Frank wouldn’t let her finish it, shook her like a rag doll, and shouted a single word:

“NO!”

Walls cracked. A chunk of ceiling fell.

And I wondered just how powerful a demon Frank was in the Lower Realms, and what he was doing here. But it explained why he always spoke in a whisper at home. His voice could crack our world.

I heard windows shattering down the hall. Locker doors twisted and broke open. Frank’s ex shriveled, wailing faintly, until there was a POP. Frank grabbed at a piece of nothingness, grinning a too-wide grin. I could see something struggling frantically in his grip.

He slurped his drink again.

*****

Halloween was amazing that year.

We moved the statue to the front yard, so all the kids could appreciate it. We allowed them to throw paint-filled balloons at it, and whoever made the eyes flash, got a special treat for their bags.

The rest of the year, the statue was in the back yard. The pigeons loved it, and crapped all over it from their perches on the horns. The eyes would flash many times, but the pigeons didn’t mind. Even as a statue, the patchy scales still had tints of red and green.

Frank loved sitting outside now, drinking his café au lait in the garden, watching the pigeons.

Zab got lots bigger after its magic meal, and started taking lessons from Frank.

I hoarded my magic stash. One never knows when one might need it.

Everyone at school became extremely polite, which was fine by me.

One day, I got home, and Zab was excitedly babbling at Frank, showing him the contents of his fresh brew:

“It’s called a mocha! Why didn’t you tell me this place had chocolate?!”