How to Quell a Broken Heart

Step 1: try to forget

Step 2: get more sleep

Step 3: close the blinds

Step 4: turn on the tv

Repeat.

If Steps 1 through 4 don’t work, please proceed to step 5.

Step 5: scream and cry

Step 6: journal

Step 7: write poetry

Step 8: ignore friends who say it will get better with time.

If Steps 5-8 don’t work, please proceed to step 9:

Step 9: Write a letter to your loved one. Don’t send it. Re-read it. Contemplate and feel the emotions. Sit with the emotions a while. File it for later personal meditative use.

Return to step 4. Find a program that is very emotional, such as a family reunification show, so that you can live vicariously through them. Cry when they become reunited, and imagine yourself hugging your loved one again.

If this does not work, please skip ahead to Step 10.

Step 10: write a short message to your loved one, to send by FB Messenger. Contemplate, for a few hours, before sending the message. Send message. If this elicits no response from your loved one, proceed to step 11.

Step 11: tell yourself “I am better off without them. It is their loss. Don’t cry over spilt milk. All’s fair in love and war.” (Okay, just skip that last one, as it doesn’t apply.)

Step 12: take yourself for a walk

Step 13: look at the birds in the trees. Remind yourself that, although the trees may now be leafless, they will awaken again in spring. Try not to cry when you think about how the tree is a metaphor for your current life: barren and dead. Remind yourself that you are not dead.

Step 14: Breathe deeply. Breathe deeply again. Try to ignore the fact that your chest wants to heave and shake with sorrow and agony. Think about something random, to distract yourself.

Step 15: turn around and head home, before depression forces you to sit on the sidewalk.

Step 16: eat some brownies, turn on some music, and move to the music.

Step 17: turn off music when it comes to a song that reminds you of your loved one.

Step 18: go to your electronic device and find a song that is really sad. Play until you start crying, as crying can be a release which is very therapeutic.

Step 19: Go to the store to buy more ice cream.

Step 20: eat the ice cream, while watching your favourite romantic-comedy movie.

Step 21: fall asleep watching something aimless and stupid

Step 22: repeat steps 1-22

Step 23: reach out again, to your loved one.

Step 24: In the case of no response, tell yourself to stop reaching out to your loved one.

Step 25: Get involved in community events.

Step 26: go hide in the bathroom, to cry, when all the couples around you remind you of your loved one

Step 27: try again, to make an appearance in public.

Step 28: take deep breaths

Step 29: stare at a photo or picture on the wall - when you start to zone out and see your loved one’s image superimposed on everything around you – so that you maintain a casual look and don’t give away your distress.

Step 30: take yourself home

Step 31: stop on the way, to pick up some healthier foods for gorging on.

Step 32: repeat steps 20 and 21, using healthier foods, then skip to step 33.

Step 33: after watching a romantic-comedy movie and falling asleep while eating something healthier, roll out of bed and look in the mirror. Tell yourself “It will be a good day.”

Step 34: look away, before you catch yourself rolling your eyes.

Step 35: trudge to drink some water. Water lightens the spirit.

Step 36: try to forget your loved one exists.

Step 37: use the washroom, and hum the tune to “Let it go!”

Step 38: read inspirational quotes, stories, etc.

Step 39: tell yourself, it's okay to hit rock-bottom, because it's a solid foundation. (Don't be afraid to fall.) You can't fall any further, and it's only up from here.

Repeat all steps, until remedied.

If all steps fail, write a post on Vocal, to distract yourself and fill up time. Or invent your own steps. There’s got to be a resolution - somehow, sometime, right?

(35 years and counting.)