Isolation

I fade into my mental world and before I know it we are already back home. Ryker gently sets me on my bed and then goes back to the car to get the rest of the items. I curl up on my side enjoying my mental world and the creatures who live in it. Ryker sets up my IV and heart monitor. Before going back outside to help Ezra.

I came back to the living world a few hours later and watched as Ryker and Ezra tried to set up the dresser. I pull out my IV and take off the heart monitor and slowly stand up. I stumbled over to where they are arguing about screws.

“Do you guys seriously not know how to put together a dresser?” I ask.

“No we weren’t taught tools,” Ryker mumbles.

I sigh and slowly kneel next to them and grab the instruction booklet.

“What’s that?” Ezra asks.

“The instructions,” I answer, rolling my eyes.

Ezra and Ryker look at each other. I ignore them and start putting it together. Ryker and Ezra watch as I slowly get it together.

“Did you guys bring food?” I ask as I stand up after finishing.

Ryker shakes his head as he helps me back to bed.

“I’ll go get some. I think they’re serving hamburgers and fries for lunch in the cafeteria today,” Ezra says.

“Thank you,” I say as I get comfortable.

Ryker puts a couple pillows behind me as I lean back. I close my eyes for a second trying to stop my head from spinning.

“I think I tore a stitch,” I say as I try to control my breathing.

“First I need to make sure your arm is good where you took the IV out,” Ryker says, taking off the bandaid.

“Hey at least I put a bandaid on it,” I say with a small chuckle.

“Yeah there’s that,” Ryker says with a small smile and a slight chuckle.

“All good?” I ask as I unwrap my arm where I cut myself.

“Yeah. I’m not even gonna ask how you knew how to take it off without hurting yourself worse,” Ryker says as he puts a new IV in.

“Should I reattach the heart monitor?” I ask him as he looks at my arm.

He nods as he takes a look at my stitches. I reattach the heart monitor and then lay my head back. I can hear Ryker muttering curse words as he tries to clean up the dried blood.

“I tore a stitch didn't I?” I ask.

“You tore 3. How do you tear 3 stitches while putting a dresser together? You didn’t even use this arm,” he says slightly angry.

“Trust me, you’ll soon learn I will bruise by just looking at a sharp corner,” I say as I try not to flinch as he picks the dried blood off.

“Of course you do,” he says mildly irritated.

“I can sew myself back up,” I say.

“Not on my watch. You will just sit there quietly as I sew you up without pain meds since I know you already took your dose,” he says as he pulls out the needle and thread.

I close my eyes and brace myself. Ryker starts putting in the stitches without warning, making me want to punch him. I growl as I grip the bed sheets in my other hand. As soon as he’s done Ezra walks in the door with the food.

“People are so rude. They made fun of me for getting two portions,” Ezra says irritated.

“You’ll find that people think you don’t eat much since you’re a twig,” I say as I glare at Ryker.

“Rude,” Ezra mumbles as he hands me my food.

“Not happening,” Ryker says, taking my food from me.

“Oh come on. I know eating is hard with one hand especially burgers but won’t you let me eat in peace,” I grumble as Ryker cuts my burger into bite sized pieces.

“Not what I was talking about,” Ryker says as he holds up the knife that was on my plate.

“Oh sorry I didn’t even think about that,” Ezra says.

“It was one time,” I say, pouting.

“Lies. I can see your scars, I know which ones are self-inflicted,” Ryker says.

“Fine, but if you're gonna take my plate be prepared to feed me,” I say thinking I won.

“I already planned on it,” Ryker says with a smile.

I flip Ryker off as Ezra laughs. Ryker grins as he starts feeding me. It doesn't take me long to finish my food even with Ryker feeding me.

“So did you take all the sharp objects out of the room?” I ask.

“We think so,” Ezra says.

“Not likely,” I mumble.

“What did you say?” Ezra asks as Ryker picks up our lunch dishes.

“Nothing,” I say a bit too quickly.

“I’ll deal with it when I come back,” Ryker says as he heads out to take our dishes back.

“Hey Ezra, do you think you could grab my journal for me?” I ask as soon as Ryker closes the door.

“Sure,” he says as he goes to grab my backpack.

I wait till Ezra’s back is turned and then grab my pencil case from under the bed where I hid it. I wish it was easier to get out of bed so I could hide it better. I shove it under my pillows hoping it will work for now.

“Here you go,” Ezra says as he hands my journal to me.

“Thank you,” I say as Ryker walks in.

“Ezra leave us. I have to have a serious conversation with Rae that I don’t want you to hear,” Ryker says as he stares me down.

“Oh come on now,” I say as Ezra quickly leaves and goes to his room.

“Don’t even go there. You know having sharp objects is strictly forbidden. Especially after all this,” Ryker says pointing at me.

“Yeah and next thing I know you’re gonna take away my razors and pencil sharpeners,” I mumble sarcastically.

“I already did and you need to realize that I’m doing this for your own good. Ezra and I are as close to family as you have right now. Your mom strictly told us that she doesn’t care what we do as long as we keep you safe. So far I haven’t kept you safe. I forgot to take into account your PTSD and anxiety when I brought the delivery guys here. I know it’s hard and I know you just want to be alone but until I can safely say that your mental state is better then it is I can’t leave you alone. I set up cameras in here, the only space you have where I cannot see what is happening is the bathroom. I will knock on the bathroom door if you’re taking too long and I have no shame in breaking down the door if you don’t answer,” Ryker says as he stares me down.

“Geez fine but you're not gonna find a single one of the sharp objects I have left. I refuse to give them all up. They make me feel safe,” I say, feeling like a child who just got lectured.

“Like this?” Ryker says as he pulls the pencil case out from under the pillow.

“That’s mine,” I say, trying to reach it but having limited mobility due to the IV.

“Not till I check it,” Ryker says as he steps back out of my reach.

I watch nervously as he opens the pencil case. I can see the disappointment on his face as he sees the knives I have in there. He shakes his head as he looks at me.

“It’s not my fault that they were my only friends for years and trust me you will never find every single one I have,” I say.

“Really? Because we can do this the easy way or the hard way,” Ryker says as he pulls out his phone.

I stay silent as I watch him text someone. I look down at my arm and the stitches. I start counting the stitches to take my mind off Ryker. I hear his phone ding as whoever he’s texting answers him. A few minutes later I hear a knocking on the door and Ryker opens the doors.

I watch as Ezra comes into the room holding a few bags. Ryker and Ezra have a whispered conversation by the door so I can’t hear them. I slowly pull out my IV while watching them making sure they’re not looking at me. I place a bandaid over where the IV was and then mute the heart monitor. I take off the sensors for the monitor then slowly slip out of bed. I quietly stumble towards the bathroom as quickly as I can.

Ezra notices me right as I get to the bathroom door and taps Ryker. I quickly shut the door and lock it breathing hard. I don’t want them to think they need to help me shower. I watch the door as I start the shower running hoping it will stop them from coming in. I slowly undress and climb into the bath. I watch the water fill up the bath as I hear Ryker pounding on the door and yelling at me to let him in.

I ignore him and turn off the water once it reaches the top. I sink into the bath and close my eyes blocking out my surroundings. I breathe slowly enjoying the hot bath as my body slowly relaxes as my tension releases. I dunk my head under the water and just stay there. I hear the door come open as Ryker kicks it in.

I lift myself up so I’m above the water again and look at Ryker. Ryker stares at me with anger on his face. Ezra hands him a towel before stepping out into the bedroom.

“Leave me be. I’ll be out when I’m done,” I say as I lay my head back.

“No. I’m tired of you sneaking around and acting like you’re big and tough because you’re afraid of people helping you. You will get out now and get back into the bed,” Ryker says, barely controlling his anger.

“Make me,” I say.

I instantly regret my choice of words as Ryker picks me up out of the bath with one arm. He isn’t even trying to hide how angry and frustrated he is. He wraps the towel around me and sets me down on my feet. I look at the broken door and then at Ryker. I really need to stop pissing him off.

“Ezra bring me some clothes for her,” Ryker hollers at Ezra.

“You don’t have to raise your voice at me. If you keep it up next time I won’t tell you when she’s getting up,” Ezra says as he brings Ryker my clothes.

“How bout both of you shut up and let me get dressed,” I say, taking my clothes from Ryker.

Before Ryker can reply, Ezra pulls him out of the room. I set my clothes on the bathroom sink and lean against the wall. My head is starting to spin again and I’m starting to think that I need help. I start to yell for Ryker but I don’t get it out before I hit the floor. I lay there face down as I hear Ryker come in. My head is spinning too bad for me to attempt to move.

“Ezra come help me,” Ryker says as he slowly lifts me up.

“No way she’s naked,” Ezra says without even coming into the bathroom.

“Now,” Ryker growls.

Ezra comes in and covers his eyes so he can’t see me. Ryker helps him hold me up so Ryker can get me dressed. I suddenly vomit on Ryker as I start seeing two of everything.

“Set me down,” I whisper.

Ezra gently sets me down on the floor as Ryker takes his shirt off. Ezra leaves the room to get Ryker a new shirt. I slowly lay down and press my forehead to the cold floor. I groan as my head slowly stops spinning.

“This is why I didn’t want you doing this yet,” Ryker says quietly as he takes the new shirt from Ezra.

“Is she okay?” Ezra asks.

“She’ll be fine, give her a few minutes and then we will help her to the bed,” Ryker says.

Ryker and Ezra leave the room to give me a few minutes. I lay there wondering why I thought anything was a good idea. I roll onto my back and look at the ceiling. I slam my fist into the floor as I feel my mind trying to take me down memory lane. I slam my fist down again as Ryker comes in. He looks at me for a second before grabbing my pills from the cabinet. Ezra helps me sit up as Ryker gives me my pills.

“Thank you,” I say after I swallow the pills.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Ryker says as he helps Ezra pick me up.

After settling me in bed, Ryker looks at me and sighs. Ezra hands Ryker the bags he brought in earlier. Ryker pulls out medical supplies from the bag, while Ezra goes to the closet.

“We don’t want to hurt you and I just wish you knew that,” Ryker says as he starts to slowly dry off my stitches.

I stay silent not wanting to get into it. I watch as Ezra comes out of the closet with a blanket. I keep an eye on them both as Ezra tucks the blanket in around me and Ryker works on wrapping up my arm. I bite my lip as I try to find the words to voice my thoughts

“I’m sorry. I’m just so used to being on my own even when I was hurt. I just don’t know how to accept help,” I say quietly.

“It’s fine but if you just let us know you need help like you did when you were bout ready to collapse in the bathroom it allows us to keep you safe,” Ryder says as Ezra nods.

“I umm was wondering if you guys wanted to read my journal? I think it might give you insight on how best to help keep me safe,” I say as I grab it from under my pillows.

“Thank you Rae. It probably would help us and it helps to know you trust us enough to let us read it,” Ryker says.

I hand it to Ezra as Ryker finishes up with my arm. I lay back exhausted from my head spinning. I close my eyes as Ryker cleans up the supplies. I hear Ryker whisper to Ezra that he was gonna take the first watch. I sleep peacefully with no dreams for the first time in a while and wake up feeling refreshed. I open my eyes as I stretch.

“Morning,” Ezra says.

“Morning,” I say as I look around.

“Ryker is in his room sleeping,” Ezra says, answering my unasked question.

“I’m surprised he left me,” I say as I sit up more.

“Took me almost an hour to convince him to sleep. I’m supposed to wake him up now that you’re awake. But I think I’m just gonna let him sleep. He hasn’t slept since he picked you up from the courthouse,” Ezra says.

“Let him sleep. Are those donuts?” I ask, eyeing the box on the table in front of Ezra.

“Yeah. What flavor did you want?” Ezra replies.

“Chocolate,” I say.

Ezra brings me a chocolate covered donut and then goes back to his seat.

“What’s your favorite color?” I ask, trying to make conversation.

“Orange. What’s yours?” Ezra replies.

“Dark green,” I say.

We talk for almost an hour before we run out of conversation. I look around and notice my journal sitting open on the table. I wonder if Ryker finished reading it. The door opens as Ryker comes in.

“I told you to wake me up when she wakes up,” Ryker says glaring at Ezra.

“My fault. I told him to let you sleep,” I say before Ezra can say anything.

“Really? Defending him? You guys have been sitting here enjoying each other's company while I sleep. You do realize he’s a bodyguard not your personal friend,” Ryker says.

“Wow. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” I mutter.

“I’m sorry. I just worry about you. It’s hard enough keeping it secret that you’re back here,” Ryker says as he runs his hand over his face.

“It’s fine,” I say as I swing my legs over the edge of the bed.

Ryker quickly comes over and helps me stand. My body is still weak from losing that much blood but at least I don’t need the IV anymore. Ryker helps me to the bathroom and leaves while I do my business. I end up having to sit on the floor to brush my hair and braid it.

“A little help please,” I holler when I’m done.

Ryker comes in and helps me up and back to bed. I grumble but don’t say anything. I honestly just wanted to go outside but until we can confirm we weren’t followed it’s not an option. I look around for my bag wondering where it is.

“Can we do something?” I ask Ryker.

“Like what?” he responds.

“Maybe I could go at least to one of your rooms? I just need a change of scenery,” I say.

“Fine but on one condition,” Ryker says.

“What’s that?” I ask excitedly.

“You have to be quiet and I will carry you so we can do it quickly,” Ryker says.

“I’m okay with that. Can I bring my journal and sketch pad with me?” I ask

Ryker nods as he puts both items in my bag. He then hands it to his brother and picks me up. We leave the room and go left to Ryker’s room. Ezra opens the door and we go inside. Ryker sets me on his bed and takes a seat in a recliner next to the bed. Ezra hands me my bag and sits in a chair closer to the door.

I open my bag and pull out my pens and journal. I start writing a journal entry as Ryker checks his phone. Once I know Ryker isn’t watching me I flip to the last page of the journal and write down a list of every spot I hid sharp items. I see Ryker looking over at me and quickly close the journal and put it to the side.

“May I finish reading it?” Ryker asks.

I nod and pull out my sketchbook and pencils. I start sketching Ezra not paying attention to anything but my drawing. I hear Ryker get up and look at him. He looks down at me with a proud look in his eyes.

“Hey I’m gonna go put away the medical supplies in Rae’s room,” Ryker says to Ezra.

Ezra nods and moves over to the recliner. Ryker leaves and goes to my room. I notice a tablet on the bedside table on the other side and pick it up. I turn it on and realize it’s hooked up to the cameras in my place. I see Ryker looking at the journal and then one by one going to my hiding places. I sigh and turn off the tablet.

I notice Ezra is passed out. I slowly stand up and walk to Ryker’s closet. Every step takes a lot of concentration. I go into Ryker’s closet and notice there’s not a lot in there. I notice a pile of blankets on the shelf in his closet and reach for them. I pull the pile onto the floor and curl up on them feeling really comfy. I zone out and just think random thoughts. I snap back to reality by a commotion in the other room.

“How do you lose her? I left for not even 20 minutes and I come back to find you sleeping and her not in bed,” Ryker yells.

“Not my fault I didn’t do sleep training like you,” Ezra yells back.

I don’t feel like getting up since I’m so comfy but feel bad that Ezra is being yelled at. I hear Ryker flipping pages in my journal mumbling to himself. Next thing I know he’s opening up the closet door and I can see that he’s worried. I wave my hand so he can see me underneath the pile of blankets. He kneels next to me and uncovers me.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get Ezra in trouble. I just wanted a more comfortable spot,” I whisper.

“It’s fine. You can’t be doing this stuff though. Understand?” Ryker says.

“I understand,” I say.

Ryker picks me up and takes me out of the closet and lays me on the bed. He then hands me my sketchbook and pencils. Ezra and Ryker head outside to talk, leaving me alone. I flip to the back cover of my sketchbook and pop open the secret compartment. I pull out the knife and set it on the bedside table but leave the safety pins in the compartment. Ryker and Ezra come back inside and I can feel Ryker’s eyes on me but I don’t look up from my sketch book.

“Really? How many do you have?” Ryker asks as he walks over and picks up the knife.

I ignore him and continue sketching. Ryker grumbles and then heads outside to dispose of it.

“Ezra, can I tell you something but you can’t tell your brother,” I say after Ryker closes the door.

“Depends on what it is,” Ezra says.

“I rarely use knives,” I say quietly.

“What do you use?” Ezra asks.

“Razors if I want it to be deep, safety pins if I just need a release,” I say.

“I feel like that’s not a thing I should keep secret,” Ezra says as Ryker walks in the door.

“What shouldn’t you keep?” Ryker asks as he closes the door.

“Nothing,” I say, interrupting Ezra.

Ryker looks between me and Ezra. I glare at Ezra each time he goes to open his mouth. Ryker turns back to me.

“Rae what is going on?” Ryker asks me.

“Nothing. I think I’m ready to go back to my room now,” I say as I swing my legs off the bed.

“This conversation isn’t over,” Ryker says as he picks me up.

Ezra gathers my stuff and opens the door for us. Ryker carries me over to my room and sets me in a chair by the table.

“I’ve got to check your blood pressure,” Ryker says as he pulls out cuff.

I shrug and let him do it. I glare at Ezra again, making him shut his mouth before he can speak. Ryker looks at me and raises an eyebrow.

“I think I’m gonna go take a nap,” Ezra stutters as he quickly leaves the room.

“”What did you do to him?” Ryker asks me as he jots the numbers down in a book.

“Nothing,” I say.

“Rae, you made Ezra more skittish than a newborn calf. What did you do to him?” Ryker asks his tone serious.

“I told him a secret and if he ever tells I will never trust him,” I say, crossing my arms.

“Is it a secret that is harmful?” Ryker asks.

“No,” I say a bit too quickly.

Ryker pulls out his phone and texts his brother. I watch nervously as Ryker stands up to let his brother in. I stand up and head towards the bathroom. Ryker turns towards me, making me freeze. Ezra comes in looking sheepish.

“I want you both to sit down and tell me what happened before I lose my mind,” Ryker says.

“No,” I say as I sit on the bed.

“Fine,” Ryker says after Ezra stays silent.

Ryker looks straight at Ezra and points at the door. Ezra leaves with Ryker on his heels. I grab my sketchbook after they leave and go into the bathroom. I pull out my sketchbook needing a release. My mind is too scrambled to think straight. I open up the back compartment of the sketch book and pull out a safety pin. I close my sketchbook and set it on the sink counter. I pull down my pants and start cutting my thighs.

They’re shallow cuts that don’t bleed much but it’s enough to help clear my mind. I hear the door open back up and quickly pull up my pants and go to the sink. I wash my hands so it seems like I was just going to the bathroom forgetting about the safety pin on the counter. I take my sketchbook and go back out and sit on the bed.

“What?” I ask Ryker as he stares at me.

“Do you have any?” Ryker asks.

“Safety pins? No. Razors? You already took them all,” I say.

Ryker raises his eyebrows before heading towards the bathroom. I gulp as I realize that I left the one on the counter. I shove my sketchbook under my mattress right before he comes back out.

“Where?” Ryker asks, holding up the safety pin.

“It’s the only one,” I say knowing that’s not what he’s asking.

“I know you hate me and you don't want to trust me but if I have to I can call this whole thing off,” Ryker says fed up.

“Stop it,” Ezra says as he comes into the room.

“Excuse me?” Ryker says, turning towards him.

“She’s not one of your regular clients who are older that you can just bully into telling you. You read her journal she’s been bullied her whole life. What she needs is a soft hand,” Ezra says as he comes towards me.

“Oh really?” Ryker says sarcastically.

“Rae where did you hurt yourself?” Ezra asks, ignoring Ryker.

I shake my head not answering.

“Rae I need to know,” Ezra says calmly as he sits next to me.

I burst into tears and bury my face in my hands.

“Rae,” Ezra says as Ryker watches.

I point at my thighs still crying.

“Do you see now?” Ezra asks Ryker.

“I thought you were joking,” Ryker says, his eyes wide.

“No. What you need to understand is she doesn't know any other way. Your yelling and screaming is not gonna help her open up to her,” Ezra says as he gets up and goes to my closet.

“Weird,” Ryker says as Ezra comes back with a pair of shorts.

“Go into the bathroom and change into these,” Ezra says, handing me the shorts.

I go into the bathroom and put on the shorts. I had never worn shorts before. I peek out into the room where they’re waiting. Ezra looks at me and pats the bed. I shake my head and don’t come out.

“Rae, can you come out here please?” Ryker asks.

“I’m scared,” I say.

“That’s fine to be scared,” Ryker says as he brings me a blanket.

“I’ve never worn shorts before,” I whisper.

“Here wrap the blanket around your waist and then come out and sit on the bed. When you’re comfortable you can take the blanket off and show us. Okay?” Ryker says calmly, trying Ezra’s approach.

I nod and take the blanket. I wrap the blanket around my waist and walk to the bed. I sit next to Ezra and pull my knees up to my chest making sure the blanket is still covering me. After about ten minutes I take the blanket off but keep my knees pulled up to my chest. Ryker and Ezra look at me waiting, Ryker impatiently and Ezra patiently. After another five minutes I put my legs down but cover my face so I don’t have to see their reaction.

“It’s okay Rae,” Ezra says as he rubs my back.

“At least they’re not deep,” Ryker says.

“I didn’t mean to,” I whisper tears filling my eyes.

“Hey some days it gets tough but there are healthier ways to deal with it,” Ezra says as he pulls a rubber band out of his pocket.

“What’s that?” I ask him.

“You put it on your wrist like a hair tie and then snap it when you feel like cutting. I used to do it a lot," Ezra says.

“You what?” Ryker says, turning towards Ezra.

“I used to be suicidal and it was hard. I had to grow up as a normal family but there was a chance that I was gonna have to go into the bodyguard work. I wasn’t ready and I got overwhelmed one day and cut. Our oldest brother noticed and offered me the rubber band as a safer option,” Ezra replies to Ryker.

I put it on my wrist and then go into my closet. I pulled my pile of blankets off the shelf and made a nest. I curled up in it as Ryker and Ezra talked. I tested snapping the rubber band on my wrist and found it gave the same feeling as cutting. I rolled over and laid on my back snapping the rubber band letting my mind wander.

“Rae,” Ryker says, snapping me back to reality.

“Hmm?” I reply.

“Are you okay?” Ryer asks.

“For the most part,” I say.

“I was gonna order pizza. What’s your favorite kind?” Ryker asks

“I don’t know,” I say as I sit up.

“How don’t you know?” Ryker asks.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had it,” I reply.

“You’ve never had pizza?” Ezra asks as he comes in and joins us on the floor.

“I don’t think so,” I say.

“Hmmm. How bout we order three different kinds and you can try them. How does that sound?” Ryker asks.

“I think that sounds good,” I say.

“Supreme, all meat and a chicken bacon ranch sound good to you Ezra?” Ryker says, turning towards his brother.

“Sounds perfect to me,” Ezra replies.

Ryker makes the phone call and then heads out to pick it up at the front gate. I look at Ezra wondering how someone who comes from a family of bodyguards can contemplate suicide.