Jack’s Met Someone Special

‘I wonder what this one will be like?’ Janice spooned a dollop of Bolognese from the pan and popped it into her mouth, savouring the flavours before swallowing.

‘What’s that?’ Joe was sitting at the kitchen table trying to finish a sudoku puzzle in the paper.

Janice added a pinch more salt and pepper to the Bolognese mix and gave it a few stirs before replacing the pan lid and reducing the heat a little.

‘I said, I wonder what this new girl of Jack’s will be like.’

Joe looked up from his puzzle, grimacing. ‘As long as she’s an improvement on that last one, what was her name, the one with blue hair?’

‘Olivia.’

‘Never seen so many piercings on one person. She rattled when she walked.’

‘She had a bit of B.O. as well, bless her.’

‘B.O. I could put up with — it was the B.S. that came out of her mouth I couldn’t stick. Telling us we needed to reduce our carbon bloody footprint.’

‘He does it deliberately,’ said Janice, sitting opposite her husband.

‘What?’ Joe was chewing the end of his biro and squinting down at the puzzle again.

‘Brings home these unsuitable girls to try and get a reaction from us. They never last. He literally hooks up with the most irritating or outlandish girl he can find just so he can bring her home and torment us with her for a few hours.’

‘What’s this one called again?’

‘Agnes.’

‘Agnes?’ sounds like an old woman’s name. ‘No, it sounds like someone who would have been old when we were kids.’

‘They’re coming back into fashion, though, aren’t they, all those old-fashioned names. I work with a young girl called Elsie.’

Janice glanced at the clock above the sink. ‘Jesus, it’s nearly seven, they’ll be here in half an hour. I need to change.’

Joe frowned. ‘Why? I bet they won’t have made an effort. That Olivia’s jumper had more holes than a golf course.’

‘I think that was so you could see all the tattoos on her arms. Anyway, I’m going to put on something nice. And whatever she’s like, this Agnes, don’t rise to the bait, that’s what he wants. Even if she has two heads and breathes fire, act casual.’

***

The doorbell rang at 7.45 and Janice rushed to answer it.

‘Calm down,’ said Joe, barely raising himself from his armchair.

‘Hello!’ Janice had a beaming smile plastered over her face as she pulled open the front door. She kept the smile fixed in place despite the sight of Jack’s date. Although she was dressed conventionally enough in a beige trouser suit, it was obvious from her chalk-white skin, black eyes and the two fangs resting menacingly on her bottom lip that she was a vampire.

‘Hi Mum,’ Jack, dark hair now down to his shoulders, the beginnings of a beard sprouting from his face, leaned in to kiss her on the cheek.

‘Hi Darling.’ Janice heard Joe approaching from the living room and managed to flash him a warning glance before turning back to their guests.

‘Mum, Dad, this is Agnes,’ said Jack.

‘Pleased to meet you Agnes,’ Janice held out a hand and Agnes took it in her pale, icy fingers.

‘A pleasure to meet you, Mrs Judd.’

‘And you, Dear.’ Janice’s cheeks were beginning to ache from grinning.

‘Joe, go and pour us all a glass of wine.’ She turned to give her husband a reassuring look. He was glued to the spot, staring at Agnes. ‘Joe!’

‘Sorry, love, of course.’ Joe walked towards the kitchen, whistling a jolly tune.

‘Let’s go and sit in the living room for a bit,’ said Janice leading the way across the hall. Behind her Agnes coughed. Janice looked back. Agnes was still standing on the doorstep and Jack was looking from her to Janice, smiling weirdly.

‘Oh right, of course,’ said Janice. ‘Please come in, Agnes.’

‘Thank you, Mrs Judd.’ Agnes stepped over the threshold. ‘I bought you some chocolates. They’re the ones with alcohol inside them. Jack said they were your favourites.’

Janice took the proffered box of liqueur chocolates. ‘Thank you, Agnes, that’s very sweet of you. We can all have one after dinner. I’ve made spaghetti Bolognese, is that okay?’

Agnes sat on the sofa, folding her long legs underneath her, already seeming at home. ‘Yes, I can eat anything. Don’t believe the myths. As long as I’ve had a feed of the red stuff within the last few days, I can digest food like anyone else.’

‘Oh, good,’ said Janice. ‘I’ll just go and help Joe with the wine.’

Joe was already in the hallway, carrying two glasses of Chardonnay. ‘Can you grab the other two?’ he asked. ‘I take it she can drink wine?’

‘Yes, and she can eat normally too, apparently, as long as she’s had a guzzle of…’ Janice tapped two fingers against her jugular… ‘In advance.’

‘Jolly good,’ said Joe, whistling a couple more bars as he entered the living room.

While she was in the kitchen, Janice had another taste of the Bolognese. ‘It’s quite garlicy,’ she mumbled to herself and shrugged. That was probably just a myth too. She’d never met a vampire in person before, only heard about them from other people, and seen them in films.

Agnes was laughing when Janice returned with the other two glasses of wine, one of which she handed to Joe, who was back in his armchair, chuckling.

‘Dad’s just told the joke about the vampire and the werewolf going into a bar,’ said Jack.

‘Oh really,’ Janice laughed nervously.

‘It was funny,’ said Agnes, taking a gulp of wine.

‘Don’t encourage him,’ said Jack, giving Agnes’s leg an affectionate rub.

‘So, how did you two meet then?’ asked Janice, sitting in the small occasional chair by the bay window.

‘At the nightclub where I sometimes work,’ said Agnes. ‘It’s not exclusively for people like me, but it’s very vamp-friendly.’

‘That’s nice,’ said Janice.

‘How did you become…’ began Joe, and Janice shot him another warning stare.

‘It’s okay, Mrs Judd, I don’t mind talking about it. It was a long time ago now. I was twenty-three and living in Paris with my aunt.’

‘You don’t look any older than twenty-three now,’ said Joe.

‘I’m a hundred and thirty,’ said Agnes.

Janice managed not to spit out her wine. She wouldn’t give Jack the satisfaction.

‘And it was someone in Paris, was it?’ asked Joe.

‘Yes, a man called Marcus Durand. He turned me on our second date.’

‘That was quick,’ said Janice.

‘Yes, he was a very impulsive person.’

‘Were you okay about it?’ asked Joe.

Agnes shrugged and took another long glug of wine. ‘At first, I was a little upset, but I got used to it.’

‘Would you like a top-up?’ offered Joe, nodding at Agnes’s nearly empty glass.

‘Yes, please!’ Agnes drained the remainder of her wine and handed her empty glass to Joe, who was already hovering by the sofa.

Agnes enjoyed several more large glasses of wine over dinner. Janice was glad they’d done the Tesco run the day before and stocked up on Chardonnay and Pinot Grigio. They usually made the five bottles last a month, but Janice was thinking they would need to buy a couple of bottles from the local Budgens, the rate Agnes was knocking it back.

‘So,’ said Jack when they’d all finished their crème Brulé. ‘We actually have an announcement.’

‘Oh?’ said Janice and Joe in unison.

Jack reached across the table and took Agnes’s cold, dead hand in his.

‘I know you won’t approve of this, but it’s what we both want, isn’t it, Darling?’

Agnes nodded and tried to focus her gaze on Jack, but her coal-black eyes were looking in opposite directions. Her mouth was hanging open so that her fangs were fully exposed. One of them has a piece of beef mince stuck to it.

‘Are we going to hear the patter of tiny undead feet?’ asked Janice, keeping her tone calm.

‘That I can’t do,’ slurred Agnes, waggling a finger in front of her face.

‘Agnes has agreed to turn me,’ said Jack.

Janice took a deep breath.

Joe leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. ‘You mean…?’

‘Suck his blood and turn him into one of the living dead,’ said Janice, amazed at how unfazed she sounded.

‘That’s right,’ said Jack. ‘We’re not here to ask for your blessing. We just thought you should know.’

‘What about meeting for lunch?’ asked Janice. ‘Or doing daytime stuff?’

‘What?’ Jack looked surprised.

‘I just wondered if being a vampire would mean we’d have to always meet after dark – or is that a myth too?’

Agnes released a quiet burp. ‘No, that part is true. Direct sunlight will turn me to dust.’

‘So, you won’t be able to come with me to the football anymore?’ asked Joe.

Jack laughed. ‘When did we last do that, Dad?’

Janice thought Joe looked a little sad at this, but to his credit, he didn’t overreact.

‘When will you do it?’ Janice asked Agnes.

‘What’s that?’ Agnes was staring into her empty wine glass; Janice refilled it for her. They’d kept a bottle of pinot on the table to save constant trips to the fridge.

‘She’s going to do it tomorrow,’ said Jack, holding his hand up as if to silence any objections.

‘Well, if it’s what you want, Love,’ said Janice, collecting up the empty dessert bowls. ‘Who’s for coffee?’

Jack stared at both his parents with a mixture of puzzlement and resentment until he and Agnes left at around 11.

‘So, you’ll let us know how it all goes,’ said Janice, waving to them as they navigated the short path to the road. Agnes reminded her of a newborn fawn, the way her bandy legs were barely keeping her upright.

Joe stood behind Janice, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. ‘He really went the extra mile with this one.’

‘He won’t go through with it,’ said Janice, grinning and waving until the pair were out of sight.

‘How can you be sure?’ asked Joe, as Janice closed the front door.

‘Because if there’s one thing Jack won’t put up with for long, it’s a lush, and that bloodsucking, cradle-snatching demon is a lush.’

Janice was right. Jack texted the next day to say they’d postponed the turning. A week later, he called to say he and Agnes had split up. Two weeks later, he told them over lunch that he’d met someone he’d like them to meet. Her name was Lucy, he said, and she was a library assistant. Janice managed to stifle a yawn.