New Show Coming To Town

I have had the distinct pleasure to have been invited to interview the most illustrious showman and owner of Wiley Kiley's Enchanting East Extravaganza earlier this week. As I entered his lavish hotel room at the West Savoy in New Dutch City, his man Panto halted me for a moment and quickly and expertly searched my person for hidden weapons. I was not about to resist such an imposing a figure as this muscle-bound Saquinte native. His short, yellow hair set off his squareish head, looking a bit out of place in his dandysuit, his serious demeanor dripping with savage pride, a deeply devoted servant to the merrily flamboyant emcee of the aforementioned production.

Kiley himself seems a few hands lesser in height to the servile Mr. Panto, even in the high-heeled eastern boots with the fringed seams and delicately painted scenes of the untamed East on the insteps. His poufy green blouse served to bolster his size a bit, although his dainty hands belied a more effeminate stature. Nevertheless, this entertainer is just that; a loudly dressed premiere showman who knows how to bring a taste of the untamed reaches of the Plachia mountain range and beyond to us, the city-bound boors.

He invites me to lounge in a pink brocade chair as Panto serves raccoon scones and herbal cafe on hardy japene plateware. Ever on stage, Kiley makes even an interview a production, asking if I had had the pleasure of a Saquinte lady (I expected this enquiry to be much to the chagrin of his native servant, but no). I confessed that I was not as cosmopolitan as some of my fellow reporters. "You really should sometime, my good man," he would say, "They will redefine the world as you know it." He gives Panto a look, as if to cue him to some unknown duty, and Panto gives in return a stoneface that is unreadable (at least by this reporter), as he retired to another part of the parlor.

We settle down after a bit of small talk over raccoon and slurps of cafe, he asking more of me than I him, where do you hail from, who were your parents, in what villa do you reside, etc. I was eager to get to the constant rumors that had New Dutch City all atwitter, and the showman Kiley was content to string me out as long as he could. I began my questioning with the usual: How has the business been, has the travel been a grievance to you, what were the crowds like, how is your relationship with your native performers... He was, of course, only happy to oblige me with stories of self-aggrandizing victoriousness, the winning over of countless crowds, his lovely Saquinte assistants whom he always beds down (of course). It's all grand and amazingly entertaining his charmed life in the business we call Show. I finally managed to pin him down on the one question on the minds of you, dear reader: What does the coming season have in store for us? I asked him this query in a most ardent and straightforward fashion, leaning towards him to further emphasize the import of my words. He had at that moment been quaffing his cafe and was almost startled to the point of spitting, but recovered quickly and revived his jovial demeanor. After a calming breath, as if to gather the proper response, he proceeded to pontificate.

"Well, my good man, the enchanting East has always given us no end of the mysterious and haunting, but as an elite entertainer I am wont to reach beyond that which we know to be familiar. Surely, the ostrich riders and the hare ropers are fun and frivolous to watch, and the gravitas of the Saquinte fierces and their elders remind us that not all is playtime. No, even as the rockshooters find their marks every time, it is all well and good, but the polloi need, no, they WANT even more! I have something new and simply astounding to bring to you this season!"

I could see the promoter in Kiley was beginning to overtake his already enthused exterior as he entered a trance of sorts, the litany of the barker with the notable lilts of the voice, inviting us to dare to see the three-headed formicid and the giant, bloodthirsty snow-hare with the razor sharp forefangs.

"As you well know, I have been at the pinnacle of serious animal research, to give the polloi the latest and greatest in scientific discoveries! Our team of researchers scour the mountains and the forests for the unusual and the unbelievable! And as luck would have it, one of our eminent scientific teams has made a most remarkable discovery beyond the edge of the Plachias!"

His hands were now spanning out, as if to invoke unseen vistas before our eyes to imagine. His tone of voice became almost conspiratorial, a low, hushed tone to remind this reporter of the incredible secret he was about to reveal. I was furiously marking down his words as he regaled me with the impending secret.

"Imagine creatures huge and not so huge, covered with scales or skin so tough that rock could be fired but never to pierce it! Weight in the multiple tons, lumbering gaits that produce tremors in the ground wherever they roam! Fierce fighters the size of wild turkeybird that can and will EAT your face!"

The last he spoke with a quick lunge into my space, that took me aback. It broke my concentration for only a moment, a moment wherein I was appalled at the fantastical vision he evoked.

"These animals were discovered wandering around a place we had never before witnessed. A previously unknown meadow with the strangest physical properties. A shimmering on the far side beyond which we could not see. Our scientific team members were frightened by the spectacle before them and dared not to go further until their analysis was complete. They have speculated that this was a doorway of sorts, from which place unknown that these amazing creatures originated! They are to this very day in the process of studying this most unusual locale! But!" He leaned back in his lounge and fixed me with a knowing look and a wry smile. "We have had the greatest fortune to have captured some of these fantastic creatures," he proclaimed with glee and a spread of his dainty hands.

With this revelation, Kiley turned to grab something and brought to my attention some renderings in his possession. They showed incredible stump-legged animals with broad bodies and spiked tails. But their heads were tiny by comparison to the sheer bulk of their wide bodies. Another showed a monstrous thing that stood on muscular hind legs and tiny, useless arms dangling from the sides of its angular chest, a large imposing tail balancing its hulking body from behind, as if a living tripod. It also sported a large, dangerous snout with long sharp daggers for teeth. I began to share his vision of the mortal fear these things would engender.

"See now what we have in store for you and yours to enjoy, all within the safe confines of our specially built arena! You will be witness to the first exhibition of these thunder-lizards, you will watch with amazement as our hare-ropers will test their prodigious skills in wrangling even the smallest of these, the six-foot long killer turkeybirds! They will face the greatest mortal enemy ever captured by Men and bring them to bear for your enjoyment!"

As of this time, dear reader, I must admit that I found myself completely enraptured of the esteemed Mr. Kiley's pitch, an excitement building within me to see in person these amazing animals never seen on this good planet Dirt! If you have had the great fortune to view these same renderings, you too would understand the wild, mysterious discoveries that promise to enthrall and entertain by way of the prestigious emcee of the Greatest Show on Dirt, the one and only Wiley Kiley's Enchanting East Extravaganza. They will appear at the New Dutch Fairgrounds, south of the Spaniole Pike. Shows will commence on the full moon of Month Four with daily matinees and free creams for the little ones, and promise to continue until the end of Month Five. Get your pay slabs early, these shows promise to sell out quickly. As for this humble reporter, I confess to being eager to see if a face or two gets eaten.