Nights in Acadia

We drove up the snowy, winding road towards the cozy A-frame cabin. The cabin was located deep within the forests of Acadia National Park near Bar Harbor, Maine. I sometimes wondered if this was the best idea or not for the two of try and figures out both our personal problems, we were having with one another. Alec and I had been through so much together, not just as a couple but we both endured a lot before we even met. In the beginning we were both very much in love but within the first year it was very rocky but, then the second year became easy but it still had its challenges. I know that sometimes its hard to heal from the past like I was having trouble coping with the loss of several of my family members over the years. But for Alec I know he felt defeated in more ways than I probably had. He went from losing his job to a near fatal death accident that could have costed him his life. I know its hard for the both of us to really talk about the things that just seem to always hold us back from going forward, but it has now gotten to a point where we had to go somewhere far away to talk it out and finally let it all out. He may not know my intentions for wanting to come out here just yet but I want us to be able to heal and grow from the past otherwise we are just going to keep letting our pasts eat at the both of us. So, I figured the cabin I inherited from my uncle in Bar Harbor was the perfect place to go but, I should have seriously checked the weather report before we left. But I was more focused on working on us then worrying about getting out of here on Monday.

I then asked him.

“So, what do you think?”

“It’s not that bad! It’s a little tiny but its doable.”

“It may be tiny Alec but don’t forget we have all this land, and this view is just perfect!”

“I know it’s just I always thought your uncle would have preferred something bigger when he wanted to be out of Malibu.”

“My uncle may have had the money to be able to live in a huge estate but, he always enjoyed the seclusion and simplicity to recharge his batteries.”

Before we grabbed our luggage out of the car, I wanted to check the place out first since I hadn’t been here in a couple of years. I dig around in my pocket and I am really hoping I didn’t forget the key and the last thing I want is for us to go to hotel back into town. Luckily, I managed to find it and I quickly put the key to the door and then I proceed to open it and all of a sudden, this rush of cold air hits my face. Then around the corner something dark comes running quickly toward me. I scream and as it runs past me out the door it’s a racoon. It runs down the porch and it makes a beeline around Alec who was not far behind me and darts straight into the snowy forest.

“Hey Joanie did your uncle have a pet racoon by any chance?”

“No and that’s real funny Alec. Next, you’ll be asking if I will end up turning that poor thing into a hat.”

“Wouldn’t be a bad idea considering its 10 below zero up here.”

“Well, what do you expect it’s the middle of January, and we are in Maine.”

Alec has always been a bit of jokester but at least he’s never taken it to the extreme but, it’s always been that sweet, charming, and humorous side of him I loved the most. But I am hoping I can be the one to help heal him and I know that I still need to heal myself. Yet ever since I met him, I have been a completely different person I started finally let go of the past but there were somethings I have yet to get off my chest. Because when I see him falling then I start to feel the same way in a way its almost as if we both pick up on each other’s emotions like a sponge.

But it’s been a long drive and I am just about ready to go to bed but, first I want to make sure that racoon didn’t destroy anything else. What I can’t understand is how on earth did it get in here then I can see how. There was a window in the kitchen that was left open. If anything, looking at it now I’m glad it was a racoon and not a bear because Maine is not only known for moose but bears especially. As I get the kitchen cleaned up after the racoon has sifted through just about every cabinet. I then look up and I can see Alec looking out the window and he has hand up on the sliding glass door and he’s just starring into the distance. I swear when he has a lot on his mind, he always just looks out the window. I sometimes wish I knew what was going through his head and what he was thinking. But he doesn’t have to tell me what he’s thinking about I can tell he’s in pain. The reason why I know that is because I used to do the same thing after my mother died when I was 8 years old. Shortly after the loss of my mom my uncle brought me up here to try and get away from things and to heal and understand all of what happened. There is one spot my uncle Bruce brought me to that I want to bring Alec to as well on the last day we are here because there is something I want him to know when I bring him there. For now, it’s time both of us get some sleep because it’s a long day tomorrow.

The sleep last night was a little chilly, but it was nice having the fire last almost all night long. But I had trouble falling asleep because I wasn’t sure how today was going to go because today is the day we start talking about past. So, for today I thought we should go back into town and explore a little bit but, first coffee was needed. Me and Alec weren’t that hungry, and we figured we could always grab a quick bite to eat in town. Driving into town I had almost forgotten how beautiful Bar Harbor was and it was nice they kept some of the Christmas lights up. But then again, I can imagine it must be hard to take them down once they get put up since it snows all the time up here this time of year. I was hoping as I was driving, he wasn’t going to pay too much attention to the boats but, I swore to myself I would not make him get on a single boat unless he really wants to. But being on the water and on a boat is what caused all this pain and trauma to him. What happened was he went out night fishing and an unexpected thunderstorm had occur and he was on his way back to shore when his light died on the boat. It was pouring rain like a typhoon and the storm kept building momentum while he was driving in the dark when all of a sudden, he crashed right into a tree on the water. The boat had been completely destroyed in the process, but so did he as well. He ended up getting thrown from the boat and he got deep lacerations all along his chest from debris from the boat. I’ll never forget that night at all because I had asked if he wanted me to go with him and he told me to stay behind. So, I have been having guilt hung up on my shoulders ever since because, I felt maybe if I had been there with him this wouldn’t have happened. I mean he has no idea that I have blamed myself ever since that night. I don’t even know if I want to even tell him I’ve carried the guilt because, I don’t know what he would think.

Throughout the day we went into a lot of antique shops, and we had lunch at Galleons for some lobster rolls. Then we strolled over by the pier and were able to see all the amazing wildlife in the harbor from seals, sea stars on the buoys, and we can even see the tales of whales just swimming through the bay among the islands. I then look over and I can see that its low tide and there is a sand bridge to the nearby island in the harbor that you can walk across. I then convince him that we should walk around the island and look for seashells. As we made it across sand bar, we just talk about random stuff just to pass the time but one of them was about me going back to school and finishing college.

But as quick as it took us to get to the island the quicker the sand bridge was once again taken away by the tide. We were literally trapped on the island and the only way back was a little boat that tourists use to row back and forth to the island. I know we had no choice it was either we get in the boat or we freeze to death overnight. He kept telling me “I can’t do it” and I said “yes you can, you have too and its our only option”. I he did not want to do it but I remined him he would not be alone this time and for some reason that really seem to get his attention. But he was quickly able to now get in the boat and was just quiet and I’m still trying to assure him at the same time that everything would be alright. What he said next as we are both rowing across the harbor I never saw coming.

He said. “What do you mean I won’t be alone again this time.” I now felt boxed in and I didn’t know what to say next but I had to say something.

“Nothing I meant we will do this together.”

“No! That’s not it Joanie what’s really on your mind?”

He didn’t raise his voice but I never want to see him angry at me. I then tell him.

“Like its literally nothing I just want us to get back to shore as quick as possible before it snows.” My heart is starting to beat out of my chest and I just have a sick feeling in my stomach to a point where tears could just pour down my face.

“I kind of want to know then why we are up here in the first place then if you can’t tell me then what’s going on. If you can’t talk to me. If there’s something, you want to say that you’re not telling me then just say it already”.

“I BLAME MYSELF FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU THAT NIGHT! For the lats two years I have blamed myself every single day for the boat accident there I said it you happy.” At that time I lost my temper and we both ended up stop rowing the boat and were just drifting toward shore. I then began to explain it and tears start pouring down my face. “I felt that maybe if I had been with you that night then none of this would have happened and that night I so was worried you were gonna die and I was so fortunate that you survived. Because if I had lost you too I don’t know what I would do.”

He just looked at me in pure shock and then we just hit the shoreline. I was so upset and I couldn’t bare for him to look at me a second further I just hopped out of the dingy and he started calling my name but I kept ignoring him. I ran up to the main road and started walking the whole way up the long dense snowy road to the A-frame cabin. When all of a sudden Alec pulls up behind me in the car he slowed down hoping I would get in but I just wanted to keep on going. Then I could here him park the car and I hear him get out of the car. He runs up to me with car still running with its high beam on and the snow had already began to fall. He then asks if I wanna get in the car but I keep on going and I tell him its fine I rather walk but he then reminds me its another 5 miles to get back to the cabin. But he couldn’t take anymore of me walking another step in the snow-covered road so he grabs me by arm and I stop and he can see I’ve been crying the whole time. Look on his face was like I’ve never seen you this hurt and this sad and for the first time he could see that I too was in pain as well. He just pulled me in close and wrapped me in his arms and I just continued to weep. We drove back to the cabin together and he is still holding my hand the rest of the ride back.

Inside he asks if I want a drink and I said “sure”. He makes us a pot of tea and we both sit on the couch. Alec then asks.

“Why would you think that it was all your fault for what happened to me. Because you probably would have gotten just as hurt like me.”

I hesitated to tell him but if I didn’t do it now then it would never come out ever so, now the time has come to finally tell him the truth.

“The reason why I began to blame myself for what happened to you is because, ever since I lost my mother that was when I always began to feel guilty when other people died in my family. I always felt guilty over her death because I thought maybe if I had been a little stronger, I could have stopped her from being killed by that home invader but, in the ended being the one watching her die from under the bed.” I remember she was clasping my hand while I was hiding right as she died. But that wasn’t the only tragedy. “Then with Vincent who died in that drowning accident after we both had jumped off that bridge together that summer. After we both resurfaced, he had ended up getting caught in a current I wasn’t dragged because I was too short for the current to pull me under. I dove under the murky water trying to save him and I couldn’t. I felt if I had been a better swimmer, I could have saved him. Alec this is why I always feel guilty with everything in my life and this is why I always try to be a stronger women and for you as well. Because I felt if I had been able to do those things to save the people, I love they wouldn’t have died because of me. I felt if I could have gone with you this wouldn’t have happened to you.”

He then takes me by hands. “Joanie, I can finally see you now. You suffered a lot alone and there was no one there to tell you it wasn’t your fault. Everything that has happened to you and me was never any of our faults. I can now see some of the toughest things we endure can be what makes us stronger…together.”

I then think back of the place I wanna bring him too and its close to sunrise I then tell him that there is somewhere I wanna take and he agrees to go. We drive a short distance to the top of Cadillac Mountain, and I tell him that when my mom died my uncle brought me up here two months later after her death. He wanted me to be reminded of the reason why I am here and that I deserve to see every sunrise till the end of time. He also wanted me to know that no matter how tough life gets and if I ever feel alone that I would never feel alone because there is so many people out there who love you. I then tell Alec.

“This whole time for bringing you up here I wanted this to be the reminder for you and I wanted you to know you are never alone either.”

Then suddenly, the sun begins to rise and pops up over the shining sea and then it is followed by a rush of icy cold air. He then grabs my hand and we both look at each other he then tells me.

“Thank you, Joanie, because if it hadn’t been for you, I don’t know where I would be today. Because if you hadn’t been by myside this whole I would have given up. You truly saved me.”

I begin to cry again and I say.

“We saved each other!”

“I love you!”

“I love you too!”

Then both our lips finally embrace on top of this cold and sunny snowy morning.