One of those days

It was one of those days.

Again.

Another one of those days filled with dread. Where anything and everything was hard. Waking up was a chore. Getting out of bed was worse and the day ahead felt like a long, dark tunnel without a light at the other end.

When the mind finally awoke, along came the despondency, the fear, and the feeling that your stomach had dropped to the lowest point of your body.

Then, like the crescendo in a symphony the heart palpitations start, deafening and intense, climaxed by the breathlessness.

And that was just the morning.

By the end of the day, when it was time to rest and sleep, the tired and beaten mind didn’t let you. It was like being stuck in a revolving door, with no idea how to get out.

Raina didn’t want the day to start at all. In fact, like any other day, she didn’t want to get out of bed at all. She was lying on her tummy, face down on the pillow.

Why can I just not wake up one day? It would be so peaceful to die in my sleep.

What did the psychiatrist say again? Depression.

Dr Google’s diagnosis is that depression is ‘Characterised by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities.’

Such a simple two-dimensional definition for a complicated state of mind.

She opened an eye to look at the clock.

‘Crap.’

It was a quarter to nine in the morning, and she had an appointment with Dr. Steven Vance, her psychiatrist in forty-five minutes. She was not looking forward to it and he knew that. She had not made any progress in all the sessions she had with him. She had absolutely no desire to bare her innermost private thoughts and feelings to him, or anyone for that matter.

Why can’t they just all leave me alone to deal with my grief? How can this possibly be because they care about me?

***

Steven had been very patient with her. Of all his patients, she was the most complex. The first session was spent in silence. A whole hour where he asked questions, and there was no response from her. She stared at him with those unreadable eyes and said nothing. She intrigued him – and posed a challenge. He was going to have to try harder.

But the subsequent eight sessions weren’t much different. She did speak but Raina wasn’t ready to let him venture into her space. She was quite happy to advertise that big chip on her shoulder and go on about how he was wasting his time.

He was not going to be deterred. Her parents have pre-paid for ten sessions, and he had assured them that he will do his best to get through to her. They had their own grief to deal with, but they were concerned that Raina is not dealing with what happened almost six months ago.

Nine sessions down, last one to go. He needed a breakthrough.

***

She made it to the appointment with one minute to spare. Shelley, the receptionist, gave her a warm smile. Raina looked away. She hated the look of pity. Nothing was wrong with her.

She opened the door and walked in. Dr. Vance looked up and smiled.

‘Raina. Come on in. How are you today?’

‘C’mon doc. Really? Well, let me see. Down, low with a splash of sorrow and melancholy. How does that sound?’

Steven had to laugh. She was not going to make this easy. He needed to shake things around.

‘Well, since it’s our final session, we are going to do something different today.’

‘Like?’

‘We are heading out.’

‘Why? Where?’

‘Anywhere, you’d like to go to.’

‘I don’t like to, nor do I want to go anywhere. I am happy to spend the next one hour sitting in your office, saying nothing of value. Then back to my apartment, and to bed.’

‘But it is such a glorious day. Have you had breakfast?’

‘How is that relevant?’

‘Well, you know what? I have not and am starving. How about we spend the hour at the café round the corner? They make a mean breakfast.’

Raina was confused. This is not the normal routine.

Steven was already getting his jacket on as he walked towards the door. He opened the door and spoke to Shelley.

‘Shelley, Raina and I are out for breakfast today. Back in an hour.’

‘Sure, Dr. Vance.’

‘What if I said no?’ Raina was annoyed.

The gall!

‘Well then I have to speak to your parents, and they will pay for an extra session.’

URGH.

‘Okay, I will come to the café, but it won’t be any different. I know what you are trying to do, doc. It’s not going to work.’

‘Who knows. Never say never.’

They walked out of the building and towards the café. Raina hated every minute of this experience. Out in public, with people all around, she felt cornered. She looked at Steven’s face, but he was smiling and looking ahead. He was a vision of calm and peace while her own mind was crowded with a million voices.

I hate him. He knows I have no desire to do anything, and he drags me out onto a crowded street, to a café.

Then she realised something.

But how can he know what I am going through? I have not told him anything. But verbalising my feelings and fears would mean I have accepted that I am depressed, and that means I must accept that …

‘Here we are! Table for 2 please?’ Steven walked into the café and looked behind to see if she was following him in.

Raina stood at the entrance staring at him and then slowly looking around her. She looked apprehensive, nervous. Steven walked back to her and gave her his hand.

‘You can do this, Raina. You can walk in with me, and we can have a chat.’

Raina looked at him, unsure and unforgiving. She did not take his hand but walked in to where the waitress stood and sat at the allocated table.

Steven smiled. He walked in and sat across her.

***

I can’t breathe. C’mon Raina. You can do this – it’s just like riding a bicycle. Breathe in and out.

The sound of her heartbeat was drowning her inside voice.

Steven was watching her over the menu. She looked lost and uncomfortable. He was not sure where this session was headed, but another whole hour in the office with her impenetrable wall, was not going to work.

‘What shall we have, Raina?’

‘I am not having anything. Water will do.’

‘Ok.’

The waitress came over and Steven ordered a cappuccino and a plate of their signature savoury mince. And water for her.

‘What are you doing. Dr. Vance? I want to go back to your office.’

‘Not until I am done – which will take about an hour – so this may be where your session will be this morning.’

‘Why? How is this going to help?’

‘The office was definitely not helping. Maybe a change will.’

‘You are wasting your time.’ She looked down at her hands, clasped together on her lap. She was picking at her nails again. A nervous habit. She looked around and there was nothing here that made her comfortable.

Then a familiar smell hit her. She looked back at Steven who was taking his mug from the waitress.

Coffee.

She had forgotten how good coffee smelled. He raised his mug to his mouth and had a sip while looking at her. He was puzzled with her expression.

‘What is it, Raina?’

She closed her eyes, taking in the smell of freshly ground coffee beans. Somewhere in the recesses of her mind, an old faithful friend was reaching out. Coffee. She used to love her morning coffee. Couldn’t live without it. It was a joke with all her friends. Never talk to Raina unless she has had her coffee first.

When was the last time I enjoyed coffee?

‘I..I.. had forgotten the smell of coffee.’ She looked at him.

Steven paused. He was finally getting a reaction and he had no idea where to channel it. He put his mug down and looked at her.

‘What else can you remember about coffee, Raina?’

‘I love .. well used to anyway … coffee. I couldn’t function unless I had a flat white every morning. I used to share one with her every day. I have stopped enjoying it since … since … ’

She stopped talking, like she had something stuck in her throat. Her eyes were wet. Tears were pooling. She was in pain. The wall was showing cracks.

‘Shall I get you a cup, Raina?’

‘Will that save me, doc?’

‘I don’t know about that, Raina. How about we see where it takes us in this journey?’

She didn’t respond. She was looking at him like a lost child. She was looking for his guidance. He decided he was going to go ahead. He called the waitress over and ordered her a cup. He looked at Raina and realised, she was not breathing.

‘Raina, breathe. You can do this. Breathe in and count to ten. Yes .. that’s it. Breath out and count to ten. Good girl.’

The coffee turned up. Raina stared at the cup in front of her. The smell was magnetic. It felt like a warm blanket. A warm blanket that she craved for since the accident.... the loss.

She took the mug to her nose, and inhaled.

Nice.

She had a sip and looked at Steven.

‘Thank you.’

‘No. Thank you, Raina. Thank you for sharing this with me.’

Then it was silence again. He ate his breakfast, all the while keeping an eye on her. She looked at his plate, almost just realising what he was having.

‘Why did you order savoury mince, doc?’

‘I like savoury mince. Don’t you?’

‘No. I hate it but that was her favourite. I always had eggs benedict and she had that. The smell – it reminds me of her. She used to say that I should try it before judging it.’ Tears were now flowing freely on her face. Her wall was crumbling.

He pushed the plate towards her and handed her a fork.

‘Do you want to have a taste?’

Raina stared at the fork but didn’t move. Steven had to take this slowly. Any ham-fisted approach will break the delicate thread holding this poor girl together.

***

It seemed like forever before Raina took the fork from Steven, scooped up a small portion and put it in her mouth. She closed her eyes as if trying to recollect everything about the mince somewhere in her memory.

‘I miss her so much.’

She had his full uninterrupted attention now. He was not going to lose this connection.

‘I am so angry. Why? Why her, doc?’

He was not going to respond. This was her time to speak.

‘I mean. We are … were .. are twins, for fuck sake! It is almost like I am dead. You know what I mean? She is a part of me and will always be.’

‘I was always so sure that everything happened for a reason. But I cannot make sense of her death. There is no explanation. She was – we – are only 25! How was it her time to go?’

Steven nodded. Raina was finally reaching the point in the journey where she was acknowledging the death of her twin sister, Anita. A drunk driver, a split second. The accident happened six months ago, when Anita was out jogging.

‘And you know what the worse part was about seeing you? If I start talking to you about it – then I am accepting that she is not around anymore. That she is gone.’

Then, just like that, the walls came crashing down.

‘OH MY GOD. Anita is not here … she is gone. She will never be here.’ She screamed. Her body started shaking and she dragged her chair back, stood up and ran out of the café.

The other patrons in the café all turned to look at them. Steven assured the staff and patrons that all was well, paid for the meal and ran behind her. This was not where he had expected this session to go but it has. He needed to make sure that she is safe.

He followed her until she stopped at an alley, two blocks from the café. He stopped a few metres away as he saw her fall to her knees and wail.

She cried.. wailed ... for all those months when she couldn’t or wouldn’t. For the loss of a twin, a half of her and her sister. She felt her cold heart, thaw and slowly and painfully break.

He had counselled many patients for different unresolved issues. He had always maintained a distance. Guarded himself from being too vested.

But right here, right now, Steven felt hopelessly sad for Raina. He wanted to hold her and comfort her, but that was not professional. He walked towards her and sat on the ground, back against the wall. She was still on her knees, bent over, hugging herself. He touched her shoulder.

‘Raina?’

She looked at him and he immediately felt the pain in her eyes almost like it reached out and slapped him across the face.

‘Tell me what you are feeling or thinking?’

He was not going to push any further. If she doesn’t want to talk, he was going to let that be. But she did. With tears in her eyes, she almost smiled.

‘That if Anita were here, she would tell me to stop this carrying on. To stop crying, put my big girl’s panties and move on. Hahah.’

She smiled slightly. Steven nodded, in a strange way, relieved.

‘And what do you think about that?’

‘That I won’t be able to do that for an awfully long time, doc. But I am going to start heading that direction.’

Steven looked at his watch. The hour was up. He didn’t move. He was going to stay until she was ready to move.

‘Is my last session with you over then, doc?’

‘Yes Raina. That seems to be the case.’

‘Can .. can I see you again? For a few more sessions, I have so much I want to tell you about Anita.’

‘Of course, Raina. I look forward to getting to know more about her.’

They both stood up and walked towards his office.

‘Well then Raina, take care of yourself and I will see you again.’

She looked at him for a long time.

‘Yes doc. You will’.

She turned and started walking towards her car. She looked up at the sky. She felt empty and full at the same time. Like she has gotten rid of all the weight she had carried since Anita’s death and taken on happy memories and thoughts.

No. It was not one of those days. It was better.

***