The Decision

As I woke up the sun rays sipped through the blinds stabbing my eyes reminding me of the reality I had to live with and the decision I had to make. No one rushed me to make a choice but time did, time wasn’t on my side. If I didn't make the decision soon I wouldn’t have a choice, time would have decided for me.

Lately, my bedroom had become an asylum protecting me from the tension polluting the rest of the house. My parents’ gaze told tales of disappointment, embarrassment, confusion, or maybe worry. We never locked our eyes long enough for me to know which tale they wanted to tell, or maybe they didn’t want to influence my decision.

The decision would have been easier if I managed to keep it to myself but the secret was heavy on me. In an effort to lighten the weight, I shared the secret, little did I know that by telling that one person my secret, they would start a veld fire that would uncontrollably and rapidly spread, burning through my reputation, friendships, and apparent future. Before the fires of gossip could engulf me, floods of opinions drowned me instead. What would be a better death, burning or drowning? Neither, the pain felt the same, both suffocating and slow.

The clouds and sun had become my friends during the day, while the stars and the moon embraced me with sweet silent lullabies of tales as old as time. My secret was nothing new to them, they’d seen worse throughout their ancient existence. What a relief it was to finally have company that didn’t suffocate me with judgment disguised as concern but accepted me as their own.

“What should I do?” I asked the reflection standing before me in the mirror and the faint shadow illuminating on the wall beside me. All the reflection did was stare back at me as the shadow stood still like a soldier, both silent but oddly soothing. They both felt what I felt and their bodies changed as mine did. Who could better understand what I was going through other than them? The reflection carried another reflection within her that might one day look like her or him or both of them or… just a memory that could have been. The shadow carried another shadow within her too that she might one day fade away into the darkness with her, that even during the darkest nights when I can't see her or be with her, she’ll have that little shadow holding her tight like his shadow once did or maybe she would continue to slumber in the dark alone till the sun came up. I had a life inside me that might one day look at me and call me “mama,” or an unlived memory that would randomly pounce on me till the day I die if I didn't die with the life.

“It’s either me or it '' He had said, it hurt but I didn't blame him, we were still young and scared. I just hated that he was the only one who could get away and I had to fight the dragon before I could get away. I didn't want to be the one to make the decision, at least not alone.

“What are your plans with the baby?” My parents had asked avoiding my eyes. The baby, my parents were the only ones that hadn't referred to the life inside me as an “It” which made it feel so real, I mean, which made the baby feel real.

It was either the baby or masquerading the “crime/sin,” as a miscarriage to avoid judgement and disappointment that came with it, but instead be bundled up in blankets of sympathy. Sympathy seemed like a much better hell to burn in than judgement and disappointment, besides the guilt would’ve eaten me up before the flames of hell did.

My mind had already been made up but were they ready, was I ready?


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NB: THIS STORY IS THE FIRST CHAPTER OF ONE OF MANY BOOKS I HAVE ATTEMPTED TO WRITE. The Original Title: Life Goes On. I started this story in 2021 and couldn't make it past chapter 3, I had been revisiting the story adding little by little till 2023 where i completely abandoned it. I hope you enjoy and stay tuned to the short stories that I once intended to be books. Thank you for reading

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