You Stayed

Tay tests the popcorn in her mouth for flavor; just enough salt and melted butter. Two mugs of blueberry hibiscus tea with extra honey sit steaming nearby. Now she just needs to wait for Alexis to get back with the pizza before the teas get cold. The crisp autumn breeze outside makes for the perfect evening in.

Fleece blankets and soft pillows are meticulously strewn on her bed facing the dorm's TV. The lights are off, save for the soft blue glow of the mounted LED lights and the screen paused on a title card of a cheesy teen rom-com. She snuggles up on her half of the bed, stretching out like a content cat.

"Sorry for the wait. Place got a bit packed."

Alexis slips off her boots and places two boxes next to the still steaming mugs. She opens the larger, flat box to reveal a pie topped with sausage and green peppers. The smaller box held their favorite chocolate chip cookies.

"Oh and look!" In her outstretched palm was Tay's butterfly ring; the one she has had since middle school that at least still fits on her pinky.

"You lifesaver! Where was it?"

Alexis chuckles. "In my sherpa you borrowed from me, you idiot".

Her roommate looks a bit distracted as she looks down at her phone after climbing up beside her. She knows she has to let Alexis grieve on her own without someone hovering over her. She doesn't know anyone else who lost family to cancer, but she could imagine how hard it was to deal with.

"That was my parents. Just some last minute funeral stuff." She silences her phone and puts it aside.

"Are you okay, Lex? I know everything must be overwhelming right now." She just hopes her friend is in a healthy state of mind; juggling her new internship on top of finals and her brother's funeral tomorrow.

"Girl, seriously, I'm fine. So fine that I'm letting Nick from my web development class take me out next week. Now I don't know about you, but I'm ready to dig in". She makes a show of biting into her pizza slice, moaning like she's on the verge of the best orgasm she has ever had.

The girls burst into cackles as Tay playfully smacks Alexis on the head with a pillow. "Ew, I'm not having what you're having".

"Yes, I am the funniest person you know. And I look like Meg Ryan".

Tay rolls her eyes playfully, "Both debatable".

"Yeah, yeah. Don't loose that again". She points sternly at the hand with the little chromatic butterfly perched on its titanium band.

Tay wonders what life would be like if being an adult could just mean moments like these. Simply existing with the people you love. She knows she has been holding off on declaring a major; still unsure if she could seriously make it through college. Make it in such a hectic world with so many expectations.

She thinks (knows) that without Alexis, things would have turned out very different.

"Alright, shush and watch".

__

Tay wakes up in the middle of the night, still dark outside, to a random old sitcom playing. Rubbing the sleep away from her eyes, she looks over at Alexis' desk where she is typing away on her laptop.

"What time is it?".

"Almost 5am". Alexis sighs heavily as she saves her document and closes the laptop.

"You know, since it's technically the next day, I was thinking about that promise you made. What if we go right now?".

Tay has many emotions flood her all at once; fear, anticipation, and dread. She promised her friends and family, and especially herself, that she would face what happened last year before deciding if she wants to drop out. But a stir of something lighter flutters in her gut too. Determination? Relief?

"Yeah, okay". She could barely bring her voice above a strained whisper. Knowing herself, if she does not do this now, she never will.

"Do you mean it? It's alright if you're not ready yet".

Tay nods. "I want to."

It would be a 14 minute walk to the bridge, a place Tay has erased from her memories until Alexis announced the death of Ben, at just 9 years old. The kid had put up a long fight, but in the end, there was only so much the chemotherapy could do at that stage.

She thinks about what her family would have done with her belongings had she been successful that night. What would Alexis and her family do with Ben's stuff now? Would they walk past his bedroom like some unapproachable entity? Preserve it as a touching symbol of his bravery? It was a scary thought imagining herself as a lingering ghost in her parents' home.

__

When they finally reach the overlook, Alexis pulls her in closer. They stand like that in each other's embrace as the faint hues of pink and orange begin seeping through the dark ribboned clouds. No words are exchanged as Tay takes in the scene around her.

The freeway beneath them was mostly still, save for a few cars and the occasional diesel truck. Even the streetlamps were not on yet for the early risers. Tay reaches a hand out to touch the barrier she managed to climb over. The spot she had almost jumped from. All those sleepless nights in school when she found herself here, playing the image of it happening in her head over and over again. It used to leave a pain within her that she feared would never go away.

The hopelessness she had felt that night, one year ago today, finally emerges. It was so silent that her crying seems to carry over to the other side of the mile long bridge. Without a word, her head is brought to her friend's chest like a mother comforting her child.

Her hoarse voice muffles in Alexis' shoulder. "I was in such a bad place".

"I know, love. Just let it out". She hasn't looked up yet, but from her trembling touch and shaky voice, it seems both girls could no longer hold it in.

And she did. She let it all out for the little girl who missed all the pool parties growing up. Always too conscious of people staring at the pudgy baby fat or too dark hair that grew on her body so young. She cried for the girl in 8th grade who only ate cucumber sandwiches and low fat yogurt all day. For all the injustices in the world and the people she's hurt.

"It's so cruel, isn't it? He was just a kid with so much to live for".

That's when Alexis lets go, guiding her teary gaze to her elfin face. She takes hold of Tay's hands, smiling sadly.

"That's why people like you are still here, you get to live the lives for those who never got a chance. He would've been so proud of you, T. I really do hope you stay".

When she applied to schools, she did so without a clue of what she wanted to do. She thought about travelling, maybe finding a barista job while taking some courses at community college. But somehow, she ended up at her father's alma mater instead, sobbing into a girl who would've been a stranger just three months ago.

'You don't have to know everything before taking action, you know. Sometimes, you just start', he told her one evening.

So she thought, 'fuck it', and got into the school he graduated and now teaches at, posted on roommate search, and survived half a semester.

Tay smiles through her tears. "I mean, I still want to try college radio".

This made the other girl light up. "I think I could pull some strings".

It was fully light out now, and the first bus of the day arrives to pick up the lone, elderly man at the stop. And so, life begins again.

As the girls start making their way back to campus, Tay decides to slip off the ring. By one end of the bridge, she places it on top of a pier, making sure the early morning light reflects against the opal butterfly. The girls step back to admire the view against sunrise.

"Just so we remember we were here".