A Visit From Stout Nicholas

'Twas the Night Before Christmas, when all through the house,
Many creatures were stirring, it needed deloused;

The spiders hung webs by the chimney with care,
In hopes that no one would disturb them there.

The children, infested with bugs, were in bed;
Where strange little creatures danced jigs on their heads;

And mamma with her bullwhip, and I in my leather,
Had shut up our doors 'gainst the cold winter weather,

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my wife, to see what was the matter!

On the way to the window, I tripped on my stash.
I fell through the glass with a sickening crash.

The new snow was marked by my blood and the glass,
Like a terrible omen of what was to pass,

When what to my bloodshot eyeballs did appear,
But a man in a sleigh, with a bunch of dumb deer!

I'd lost plenty of blood, and could not think too quick,
But I thought in a moment, "This must be a trick!"

The man was obese, and the poor deer were lame,
And he whipped them, and beat them, and called them all names!

"You loafers! You quitters! You bunch of dumb deer!
If you don't go faster, I'll eat you this year!"

Now stop at this house, and I'll climb up the wall!
I'll pay them a visit, then we'll dash away all"

Like miserable slaves urged on by their master,
The poor creatures stumbled on faster and faster.

When they got to the house, the poor deer all fell,
Then the driver got out, and proceeded to yell.

And when he had finished, he climbed up the wall,
So I got up, and dizzily ran down the hall!

As I got to the den room, and looked all around,
Down the chimney he came, with a great farting sound!

His manner was drunken, his breath smelled of beer,
And his boots were all covered with shit from his deer.

A big empty bag, he had flung on his back,
And he looked 'round with greed, and opened his sack.

I feared he would see me, and dropped to a crouch,
And proceeded to watch him from behind the couch.

His dirty old coat was as red as my blood,
And the beard on his chin was all covered with crud.

The stump of a reefer he held tight in his teeth;
Black smoke circled his head, like a dead Chistmas wreath;

He reach down, and loosend his big belt a notch;
He belched, then he spat, then he scratched at his crotch.

He was so grossly fat, yet he moved with such stealth,
That I gasped as I watched him, in spite of myself.

He heard me, and suddenly twisted his head.
I was sure thst I was as good as dead;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled up his bag, his expression a smirk.

Then giving the finger, and thumbing his nose,
He ran out the door, so I quickly arose.

With loud, raucous laughter, he spang to his sleigh;
He gave a command, and they all raced away.

"But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
"I'll be back here next year, until then, sleep tight!"