You're a Bum! But.......You Don't Have to Stay That Way

Rocky (1976) Review

You know what movie I haven’t seen in a long time that I want to see now just to see if it was as good as many folks proclaimed it to be? Rocky! The first one. Of course, they’ve done about 1,701 sequels but I’m going to stick with the first one. 

Let me break out my Sony Betamax player and fire this bad boy up. I just hope it still works. Hadn’t used it in damn near 40 years. You know, if you don’t use it, you really do lose it especially when it comes to old electronics.

Okay, here we go. 

You know it's an MGM movie when you see that lion roaring. I wonder what happened to him.

I just thought of something about ole' Rocky; Homie was a bum. 

I remember looking up his fictious boxing record and he was something like 44–20 when he fought Apollo Creed. He makes those tomato cans that Joe Louis was fighing back in the day look like Campbell's Chunky Soup.

Rocky's fighting this guy in what looks to be a place where there might be some cockfighting or dogfighting going on.

Just don't tell Michael Vick. 

I'm serious! This venue looks very seedy and I highly doubt they give you any money when you win. 

They probably pay you in Hungry Man dinners.

The promoter's like, 

"Yo, Rock?! Congrats on the win. Take these hearty microwave meals back home with you. But I don't have a mikro-micro whatever wave it is," in a Balboa font. 

Rocky's whipping this dude like he's trying to collect a debt for that mafia cat he works for. 

Rocky's trainer doesn't seem to enthusiased in the least bit. This dude will never be mistaken for Tony Robbins. Good help's so hard to come by in a barnyard somewhere in Philly. 

This fight was so low budget that they didn't have boxing trunks; They were liteally fighting in their boxers. 

Rocky gets bitten by the challenger. 

Why that dirty rotten scoundrel!

It was to no avail though as Rocky would go on to recover and pound that guy into a oblivion. (in a Mike Tyson font) 

"Congrats Rocky! Your two week supply of Michelina's Mac & Cheese dinners will be in your locker. I gotta go milk the cows." 

Rock bums a smoke from a local. I wouldn't trust that man. You don't know where his lips have been. At the same time Rock's getting his smoke on, he's getting called a bum by some dame in the "audience." 

If I was Rock, I would've told her, 

"I wasn't a bum last night when I KO'd your crazy ass in the sack." 

The loser got 17.50 for his role in the event while Rock received a whopping winner share of 40.55. 

Whewwwww weeee!!!!! You rollin' in the dough now, bro. 

Take some of that dough and go knock that honey down that was calling you a bum earlier. I guarantee you that it wouldn't take much for her to be incredibly, impressed. 

A 40 dollar-aire is equivalent to Donald Trump in 1970's Philly.

Hell, I doubt she's seen anything greater then 1.25 in her day. You're in, bro!

The guy paying them is hitting them up for all kinds of expenses. Boy, they really do get ya coming and going. 

They even had a towel expense.

I think I would've went down to the closest Howard Johnson and stocked up on some towels. That way I would've been able to keep a little more of that cash. 

They're rolling credits as we see that this is a Chartoff-Winkler production.

Ahhh, Irwin Winkler; One of Sly's old friends. 

Winkler's going to make sure that he gets that production credit. I mean, it's only fitting since he owns everything else of Stallone's. 

As Rocky's walking home, he stops by a window of a pet store and says hello to the doggies as they're wagging their tails at him. 

They like you now, Rock but when they find out that you only got 40.55 to your name, they will go from wagging their tails to saying "eff this bum" with the swiftness. 

Rock stops by and hangs with a group of locals for a few. 

Now I don't know about drinking after these people, Rock especially that woman in the back. She looks like she hasn't showered since the bicentennial.

You have to give it to Stallone though. He always looks out for family as you can see in this scene here with one of the doo-wop guys being no other then his brother, Frank. 

Good grief! Check out the state of this neighborhood in Philly. 

Did those places really look like that?! They could seriously use one of those Home Depot power washers along with some Behr paint right about now.

And Balboa's crib looks like nothing to be desired either. 

I bet a place like that would run you about 1800 a month now.

1800 a month?! For that shithole?! Ain't Merica' great?!

That Quincy Jones Summer in the City joint is a beautiful record. 

That's one thing about the 70's; The houses might've look like shit but the music was superb. 

Rock heads back to the pet shop and knocks on the window to play with the dogs once again and they could care less.

The gig's up, brah! They know you only have 40 bucks.

Rocky? You mean to tell me that you stood in front of your mirror all night long practicing your mack daddy lines just to give Adrian that lame ass joke. 

She did laugh though so I have to give you that. Unfortunately, her cockblocker friend came into the picture. 

There's always one. 

I bet after Adrian and Rocky got married & were living in that mansion in Rocky III, she was still working in that pet shop while still being the same ole' condescending bitch.

Rocky sees Butkus who was Sylester Stallone's real-life dog. 

Butkus is like, 

"Rock? I don't care if you're a bum; Just get me out this cage!" 

Butkus is good-sized dog too. He's got to be around that 300 lb. mark. (in a Jim Ross font)

Wait a minute! The dame was right!

Rocky?! You have to pay for that food which I don't think he did. At least I didn't see it. I think he was too busy staring at Adrian. 

Rock, you got that, bro. You have almost 41 dollars in your pocket and she has low self-esteem. She's all yours, fam. You had her with that "shell-shocked" joke.

Rocky's looking to collect on a debt for Tony Gazzo. The only problem is, he's not a good thumb-breaker because he has a soul. 

Also, why did the guy get off that loader when he had the advantage? 

All homez had to do was just keep driving that thing around until Balboa got tired which would've been about 3 minutes tops because his cardio's probably shit from ingesting all those beers the night before.

Another thing, why's Stallone a collector when there's about 4 or 5 mafioso types already in the vicinity? 

After all, it's down at the loading docks and we all know who's heavily "influential" in that line of work. All Gazzo had to do was give the word to one of his street flunkies and he would've handled business right on the spot.

I'm seeing some holes in this script here. 

Rocky gives Gazzo the lowdown. Gazzo's driver's an asshole who needs to watch his mouth. Rock might be a bum but he's a highly, skilled bum who can kick your entire ass. 

Gazzo has asthma? This has to be the first time I've seen a mob boss use an inhaler.

Rocky loses his locker to some guy who has the ugliest, looking woman I've ever seen pictured inside of it. 

Micky's helper puts Balboa's bags on "skid row." Not only is the guy short but also an insomniac. The poor fella looks like he hasn't had an ounce of sleep in 110 years. 

Micky's a real prick but he's a real world type of prick though. He's harsh but his observation of where Rocky is at this stage of his career is spot-on.

Rocky goes back to visit the future Mrs. Balboa at the pet shop. 

Rock, you know damn well she doesn't want to go to a basketball game. Plus, that sounds like a bad idea. 

Adrian might be one of those low-key freaks and the first sight of her seeing Julius Irivng might drive her wild. She might end up leaving you for the Doctor.

Don't say I didn't warn you, Rocky.

You might come home one day and find a pair of size 16 sneaks underneath your sleep number mattress. The Doctor does make housecalls, so I've heard. 

Anyways, she just has this freak aura about her. I bet it's the glasses.

Rocky doesn't want Adrian to be out there by herself at night and mentions about it being "creeps all over the block." Well, it certainly takes one to know one.

Rocky's just randomly picking up winos and carrying them. Maybe it's some form of Euro-training. 

Rocky's in some bar and there's a skank asking about his eye. A rather hot-looking skank as far as skanks go, I might add.

You know what, Rock? Forget Adrian and hit her up instead. You know she's easy and it won't take you using up the whole 40 when she's worth 5.75 at max.

Rocky and Paulie with some back and forth dialogue. Very realistic too. Both of these guys look like creeps but Rocky does have heart. He just needs to surround himself with a better group of folks that are not trying to get over on everybody.

We get our first look at the legendary Apollo Creed played by the late Carl Weathers. 

Creed dropped a lot of jewels in that interview. He told the kids to be "thinkers and not stinkers."

Speaking of the kids, this young girl that Rocky's trying to set straight looks like Mrs. Piggy. Rocky's got to realize that hanging with those other bums is the best she's ever going to do in life.

You cannot save everyone, homez.

For all that "sound" advice, Rocky gets a "screw you, creepo" for his act of goodwill.

See, I told you soooo!

Apollo finds out that his upcoming opponent is injured and is searching for a new challenger. With no serious prospects eager or willing to step into the ring with the champ, he and his team conjure up an idea to give an unsuspecting fighter a shot at his prestige title. 

And the proposed "said" challenger is "The Italian Stallion." 

Apollo was one hell of a promoter and businessman. I bet that guy made beaucoup amounts of dough. 

It seems that Paulie has promised a date with Adrian to Rocky but Adrian doesn't know about it. 

Paulie's such a master motivator.

I got to say that Adrian's not much to look at but she has potential. I think she has the capability of going from an ugly duckling to a nice-looking swan. 

Just don't bring her to any 76ers games.

Damn Paulie! You didn't have to throw the turkey into the alley. Sucking up to Rocky for a job with Gazzo ain't worth the waste of a good bird, Jack.

Yo Adrian?! Go out and get that bird and fuck a 5 second rule. All you have to do is wash it off, babe and put it back in the oven. It'll be just fine.

Rock's nowhere near a debonair type of dude but his clumsiness has an appeal for women like Adrian who are not the most self-assured people in the world. 

Rocky takes Adrian to an ice skating rink and spends a few minutes hassling a guy over 10 bucks to keep the rink open for a little while longer. 

I bet 10 bucks went along way back in the 1970's and considering Balboa's networth's a paltry 41 bucks, I can see why he was negotiating the art of the deal with this lad.

You can tell that Adrian's really feeling Rocky because she asked him what a southpaw was while knowing that Rock's the type of guy that can talk your head off for forever and a day.

Now, Rocky calling somebody a bum is hilarious.

Adrian, you know you want to come......into that man's house. I don't know why you're trying to play Miss Innocent. 

We all know there's a big ole' freak deep down inside of you, once you take those librarian glasses off. I bet once you get her up to your room, she starts howling like Miss Honeywell. 

Good grief, Rock. You ever heard of a trash can, bruh?! 

This dude's got more beer bottles lying around then Anheuser-Busch & Miller Lite combined.

Also, a little dusting wouldn't kill you either, mate. 

Hell, you might even start winning more of your fights because you would have greater lung capacity because you would be breathing in more clean air for once in your life. 

I think Rocky has Asperger's syndrome like Young Sheldon. Maybe, he's on the spectrum or has ADD or OPP. I'm not really sure but he's got something. 

The scene with him cornering Adrian up against the door so she couldn't get out looks mad rapey. It didn't age well at all. If the woman wants to leave, she can leave. I'm pretty sure that scene wouldn't fly too well in today's climate. 

I take it back. Rock doesn't have Asperger's. He has no-Ass-getting-Perger's syndrome because what he said to Adrian was mad corny but it's working someway, somehow. 

In all fairness, it is Adrian so you have to take that into account. 

And people think settling is a new concept. 

Man, kiss her already, damn! One thing Rocky will never have to worry about is being confused with Don Juan.

Rocky receives some news from Mick about Apollo Creed possibly needing sparring partners. The two have an entertaining back & forth before Rock heads off to find out more about the potential new gig. 

Rocky finds out that it’s not a sparring gig but an offer to fight Creed for the belt which he declines at first but reluctantly accepts the offer. 

Rock's set to make 150,000 dollars for this fight. Shit, for 150 g's, I'd fight Creed.

Adrian's starting to come out of her shell. 

I guess the Italian Stallion awakened the woman in her that had long been dormant since…...forever. Adrian's a keeper though. She has a wealth of knowledge and believes in him. Rocky can never lose with a woman like that in his corner. 

Gazzo gives Rocky an envelope containing 500 dollars in it. That's mighty swell of him. I guess he's not a complete dirtbag after all. Also, since Rock's string of good fortune, that cranky-ass driver of his had nothing smart to say this time. 

He was about as quiet as a mouse pissing on cotton in a cathedral during Sunday mass.

Mick goes and pays Balboa a visit at his house. 

Poor, Mickey. He was barely making it up those stairs. Burgess Meredith deserved an Oscar just on that performance alone.

Come on Mick! Even Stevie Wonder could spot every ounce of bullshit you're putting out right about now. You weren't fooling anybody when you told Rocky how nice his place was. 

Even the rats don't visit Balboa's crib. Master Splinter and crew avoid Rocky's house like the plague.

Is Rocky really using a Kentucky Fried Chicken box as a lamp stand?

Only in America. (in a Don King font as I wave the US flag)

As Micky's swooning over Rocky, he tells him that he reminds him of another Rocky; Rocky Marciano. 

He tells Rocky that he has heart like him. Rocky lets Mickey know that he knows he has heart; He just doesn't have a locker. 

There you go, Rock! Let this dude know that you're not falling for the banana in the tailpipe.

Rock's so taken aback that the man starts playing darts without a dart board. LMAO.

Here we see Rock with the fanous "MY HOUSE STINKS" rant. 

Bro, have you ever heard of Fabuloso or Pine Sol?! Maybe, if you sprayed some Febreze up in that motherfucker, it wouldn't stink. 

Rocky finally comes to his senses and realizes he needs Micky's help so he goes after him and the two patch things up. 

I'm wondering if Rocky built that alarm clock radio. It's pretty damn good work. He might not have much of a future left in boxing but maybe a career as an electrician might be on the horizon for the future 6 figure man. 

Drinking raw eggs? Ehhh. Has anybody ever really done that? 

I just couldn't do it especially when eggs taste so much better in a skillet with a little salt and butter to go along with it. Oh and some pancakes. Some bacon, pan sausages and don't forget about those sausage links. 

Oops! Sorry about the ramble. Back to the movie.

Wait a second?! Did this dude really drink the whole carton of eggs? I mean, I love protein as much as the next fella but a whole carton especially today when a carton of eggs is damn near a mortgage payment. 

This movie was scored beautifully. The music they play when he's going out for his early morning run is incredible. 

Oh, oh! Rock's got a cramp in his side. See that's what you get for downing 54 raw eggs, Sonny. 

Rocky, aren't you going to wash your hands after punching raw meat, sir? No wonder why this dude's place is a pigsty.

Adrian asks Rocky if he wants her to rub him down and starts rubbing his legs and he says no. 

Smh! I don't give a crap about what Paulie did to upset me; I'm taking that rub down from ole' Adrian. I bet that woman could rub life back into a dead man.

Rocky tells Adrian that he's trying to "stay strong" during training and asks her to make the meat. I would've told Adrian that I got all the meat for you right here, baby and it's USDA certified.

This all goes back to Micky programming Rocky's mindset with the "women weaken legs" line.

As much knowledge as Micky has, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with that sentiment. Now, it's not all bullshit because they do weaken legs just not the one every one sees when you're walking.

Speaking of women weakening legs, Adrian's at Rocky's place and she comes……………bearing gifts.

You know, Adrian's a good woman because she got Rocky a dog, Butkus, which he takes running with him. Now I don't think Butkus is too big of a fan of all that running.

Butkus is like, 

"Hey man! I ain't fighting the heavyweight champ; You are my good man. I'm just here so I won't get fined." Ruff, ruffff!

Rocky's upset with Paulie because he invited the news people to see him train. Rocky asks him how come he didn't call him and let him know first. 

Fool, you don't have a phone! Remember?! Duhhhhhh!!

Paulie's zooted out of his head busting up his own shit with a baseball bat. Now, him and Adrian are getting into it. 

Isn't this supposed to be Christmas time, people?! SMH. They're acting more like a house full of Grinch's.

Here comes the famous "running through the city of Philly" scene. 

That Rocky theme is a very well-produced record. It's become a little overused in modern times but it fits this movie beautifully.

Rocky goes and visits the arena he's going to be fighting in. He comes back home and confesses to Adrian that he can't win.

Man, that Apollo Creed was such a showman. 

Being carried out on a chariot to the ring while wearing the same wig George Washington wore back in the day is creative as hell. 

"Smoking" Joe Frazier is introduced to the crowd. Now that's the real Rocky right there except he had actual talent. 

This event has the feel & look of a real championship level prizefight. 

Balboa didn't land any punches early on in the 1st round but when he finally did, he floored the champion Creed to the canvas. 

Apollo returns the favor by delivering a knockdown to "the Italian Stallion."

I have to say that some of the fighting looks sloppy and some of the punches are missing even though the actors are selling them like they got hit by them.

Creed with another knockdown as Rocky's woman sees her man on the canvas. 

Will he beat the count? Well, this movie's almost 50 years old now so we all know the answer to that but keep on reading. 

Here comes the gruesome "cut me Mick" scene. I can't lie; I got squeamish seeing the top of his eye getting sliced open. 

The fight concludes with Apollo being declared the victor. Rocky doesn't care as he's searching for his woman. They finally connect and here they go with all that mushy "I love you" Hollywood stuff.

Yo, Adrian?! I don't love ya but feel free to weaken my legs (all 3) anytime, baby. 

Other then that mushy ending, it was a good film that I thoroughly enjoyed.

Ain't gonna be no rematch; Dont want one?Shitt….This is Hollywood, baby. Not only is there going to be a rematch but 450 more sequels to this franchise.

Only in America. (in a Don King font)

Stay tuned!