Techniques in Monster Hunting 101

“Thanks for staying to clean up tonight,” Luna said and poured another glass of wine.

Diana took the glass without looking up from the lounge chair. She stared up at the stars and Luna joined her one lounge chair over.

“We’re neighbors, I love when you host because I can stay out late… drunk,” Diana sipped from the wine.

They sat in silence for a while.

“Where is the D-Man anyway, isn’t it past midnight?”

“When I host book club he goes out and plays roleplaying games with the boys. He might not get home until 4am, sometimes as late as 6am. I'll tell you when that man gets into it, he becomes a real monster. Gets crazy into character, does voices, everything. He can really create something with his imagination and then it can take over until he's done with his campaign or whatever. Sometimes he comes home alittie drunk trying to crawl into bed with me and wooing me with his creepy gargoyle voice and wearing that stupid red plaid hat he always wears. Stinking of a joint he probably had on the way home. Oh… uh… we have a little visitor. What is it Kailyn, can’t sleep?”

“There’s a monster in my room.”

“Every night with this, I don’t know what to do,” Luna said quietly in Diana’s earshot.

“I raised three kids, Luna. I got this one. Drink your wine,” Diana said and stood to take the child’s hand. Kailyn dragged a dirty stuffed rabbit across the ground behind her.

Kailyn took Diana to her room and let her tuck her back into bed.

“So, there are monsters in your room, huh?”

“Yes,” Kailyn whispered and nodded her head enthusiastically. She hugged the rabbit tight to her chest.

“Well, what kind of protections do you have to keep you safe?” asked Diana.

“What do you mean?” the child squished her nose up in confusion.

“Your blanket, has it been endowed with fairy hair? How many charms and sigils have you set to floating above you? Invisible shields? Why do you keep shaking your head at me, silly girl, these are all in monster hunter techniques 101. What in the world are they teaching you in those schools?”

Diana tickled Kailyn’s ribs. She squinted at the girl and raised her hands then began to mimic as if she was taking off a set of gloves, loosening at the wrist and tugging at the fingertips.

“What are you doing?” the girl sat up to watch.

“I’ve had these gloves since I was just a little girl and, the thing is, I don’t really need them anymore. I’m going to give them to you. Now, it’s very important you remember how delicate they are. They are so thin they are invisible to the naked eye and they are lighter than an entire bucket of feathers,” Diana said.

“That’s a lot of feathers,” Kailyn’s eyes went wide.

“Are you sure you want these? Once I put them on you, you will only be able to take them off once. Like I am for you. See I won’t be able to put them back on,” Diana held them in tentative hands.

“What do they do?” asked the girl.

“Once you have them on, you will close your eyes and they will start to glow. The glow will grow and surround you and it will be a shield. Not a single monster will be able to touch you. They could smash you with hammers and you wouldn't even bruise. The shield will wear off as soon as the sun rises. Now, would you like them or not?”

The girl nodded her head so hard that her hair flittered around her face in wild strands.

“Calm down then, hold out your hands. Once they are on, they will automatically resize to your own hands,” Diana mimed putting the gloves onto Kailyn.

“They don’t feel like anything,” said the girl.

“Then they are working,” Diana whispered in her face,” close your eyes and think of them glowing.”

The girl dutifully closed her eyes, pulled the covers up to her chin, and clasped her hands together as if to pray. Diana paused before slowly standing from the bedside. The girl opened her eyes and looked down.

“It’s not working,” she said.

“No, no. It was working just fine. It stops working if you open your eyes,” Diana said.

“Thank you aunt Diana,” Kailyn said and closed her eyes.

“Goodnight sweetheart,” Diana said and exited to the back patio with her friend.

The two friends chatted until they finished the last bottle of wine. The milky way was in full shine and the crickets were chirping away.

“I should probably get going,” Diana said.

“It’s a nice night. I’m going to stay out here and wait for Dante to get home,” Luna said.

“My purse is inside. I’ll see myself out, goodnight Luna.”

Diana went inside and found her purse in the kitchen as she passed the hallway, she saw a stuffed rabbit peeking out from her bedroom.

“You are supposed to be asleep. The monsters can’t hurt you,” Diana whispered.

“I know, but I can’t sleep because I can hear them,” Kailyn said.

“Oh, I think I understand, but the gloves are still working, correct?”

“Yeah, they are working,” she poked her head from around the door frame.

“Jump back into bed and I will show you one more trick with the gloves,” Diana followed the girl back to the room lit with one dim blue nightlight.

The girl pulled the covers back up to her chin.

“Okay, Kailyn, should we banish the monsters from the house?”

“What if they come back?” Kailyn asked.

“Ooph, you are right. I didn’t think of that. We probably need to just exterminate them, right? Kill them dead. These guys are pretty scary monsters, right?”

“Yeah, really scary.”

“Eradication is going to be the best then. About how many are there?”

“There is a big one and then a hundred little ones,” Kailyn said.

“Hive mind! We’ll need to get them all in one blow, isn’t going to be easy, you’re going to have to put a lot of energy into it…” Diana rubbed at her chin in exaggerated thought.

“I can do it,” said the girl.

“Well, you’re going to close your eyes again, no, not yet. You’re going to close your eyes again and do everything we did before. Imagine the gloves glowing and that glow grows up your body until it has you completely surrounded. Then you are going to push that energy out into the world in a bright white ball all around you. You are going to let it grow to the size of your bed and then the size of your room and then the size of your house! It might take a minute the first time because it grows a little slowly. It could take a minute or two, but hold your concentration. Get it all around your house. That’s about as big as you’ll be able to make it. Everything certified monster that was in the globe of your bubble has now had the skin melted off its body, it’s muscles turned to jelly, and its bones are nothing but charred shards with gooey smoldering burnt flesh. Once every night, now, because monsters have short memories and like to claim territory. They'll stay away until tomorrow, but they will be back when the sun sets again,” Diana smiled and tickled at Kailyn’s ribs.

The girl laughed.

“How does that sound, my dear?” Diana asked.

“I can do it,” said the girl.

“I knew you could,” said Diana.

Diana left the girls room, picked her purse up, and leaned out the back door to say goodbye to Luna.

“Goodbye my…”

WZAP! The world turned a brilliant nothingness white for a fraction of a second.

“Goodnight,” Luna slurred with just a slight turn of her head and a raise of her empty wine glass.

Diana blinked and shook her head. She closed the back door and headed toward the front door. She heard very soft snoring from the girl’s room down the hallway and she smiled to herself.

She opened the front door and stepped out into the night air. She didn’t notice the pile of melted skin, jellified muscles, and burnt bone shards sitting in the front porch swinging chair. She didn’t notice the freshly lit joint or the plaid red hat that sat atop it all.

Diana had had kids once. She knew how wild imaginations worked. The child just needed to have creative tools to beat the monsters. They just needed some education in monster hunter techniques 101.

The End