Drunk-ass Aliens: The Pitch

Everyone loves a good laugh. There's been entire shows dedicated to humor for, like, forever.

Now, have I got a comedy show that'll just never end...

Drunk-ass Aliens.

The title alone invokes some humor, but hold on, cause it gets hilariously weirder.

Now, Drunk-ass Aliens is meant to be in a format familiar to us: think America's Funniest Home Videos, meets Paul, meets Futurama - a true triple threat in the comedy universe. If it didn't sound too rehashed from America's Funniest Home Videos, it would have been called "The Universe's Funniest Home-planet Videos", but here we are with the simpler, objectively funnier title of Drunk-ass Aliens.

We can already imagine the chaos: drunk flying in UFOs, alien abductions gone very, comedically wrong... But, what I haven't revealed yet is - wait for it - it's not just aliens! To be clear, the show largely features just what the title says - drunk aliens. But there's some other stupid shit sprinkled through in smaller in-episode sections, like "Crappy-ass Criminals" and "Crazy-ass Cryptids"! Bigfoot and Aliens go hand-in-hand after all, and the Earth-bound sorts are just as wacky as the space-bound! Think of these as little sections like the "Ani-mail" shorts in America's Funniest Home Videos! They aren't the main show, per se, but a nice way to mix it up.

Now, an important part of such a show would have to be the host, or narrator who keeps things rolling throughout the episode with their own witty commentary on the chaos. While I'm happy to play the part, I can't deny I can think of a few large names that would do the job better: Danny DeVito, Ryan Reynolds, and/or Jeff Goldblum (do consider a panel of all three!). Hell, even Conan O'Brien would fit right in with this level of nonsense. Comedic gold - just from them! We know any and all of them would happily dress in some wacky costume too (well, arguably Conan wouldn't need one)! Just imagine those shenanigans a moment - I'll wait.

I hope we're all interested - I know I am! So with that, let's break down how the series plays.

Let's start with the introduction scenes, theme song, and pilot intro!

Picture this opening scene: a decrepit cattle ranch out in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere, USA. Probably Utah or Arizona. Or even fucking Kansas. Whichever one we wouldn't be caught dead in. So that's like...

Utah, Arizona, or Kansas...

Any case. Just getting dark. Scattered scrub land; desert dry. Couple dozen cows fucking around a field, just standing, chewing dry cud. Farting. Like, so much farting. There's a literal cloud of noxious-smelling bovine gas hanging low about the ground. Seriously, what else are they feeding these animals? It's terrible. Literal bio-weapon-grade farts, folks.

If Conan were hosting, he'd send Jordan Schlansky to go check a similar cattle ranch out to report back - it seems a very Conan thing to do. I imagine Jordan, for his part, would be a good sport and participate with nary a complaint and a straight face, much to Conan's chagrin.

Why can I imagine that so well?

Any case, back to the cows!

So not only are they chewing cud and endlessly farting...

They're probably mooing too. Cows seem to do that a lot on T.V. so why not? Lean into that shit. So yeah, cows in a dusty field, chewing, farting up a noxious-ass fart storm, and mooing.

One by one, they begin looking up at the sky. Still chewing cud. Still farting - do they ever stop?! Maybe the moos quiet down except for one or two that sound suspiciously inquisitive. Like, "Hey Moomoo, my gassy-ass friend - the fuck is this shit?"

A hovering craft descends into view, the visage stunning the cattle. Suddenly, a large, powerful light beam extends from the craft to the ground. This startles the cattle, eliciting a cacophany of frightened moos - and an immediate stampede way the fuck away from there. I imagine the shock loosens up their bowels that much more and the stink increases tenfold. Hey - least it doesn't scare the shit outta them!

Even Jordan would gag. And Conan would genuinely feel bad about it. That level stanky. Conan might even consider giving Jordan a raise and offer to pay for the therapy he'll need after the experience. Stank-city.

For a while, the craft merely hovers. Then, suddenly, the light beam blinks on and off repeatedly at random intervals before the whole ship goes dark. Without warning, it plummets straight down, crushing the truck parked next to the cattle gate with a tremendous amount of noise and force.

Cut to the ranch owner rushing out, rifle in hand, wearing cowboy boots and - surprisingly - a red g-string. Cue the post-edit wolf-whistle - I'm pretty sure it's mandatory to have that when showing men in skimpy underwear. It's like, an actor law or some shit...

The craft opens after a tense moment, the rancher edging close as he dares (hiding behind the old well). Another few moments pass with the hatch open before two tall figures stumble out of the craft.

Aliens. Tall Grays.

At first, the two seem to be bickering. Then, one suddenly turns and begins projectile vomiting. The act is so disturbing, the rancher in turn vomits and faints. I don't know alien anatomy enough to explain exactly what's going on, but it appears that when an alien - or at least a Gray - empties their... stomach? Well, when that happens, the uh, stomach also comes out, then retracts when empty. It's a shocking experience, no doubt.

With the opening scene for the pilot episode out of the way, we'd cut to a catchy, trippy song reminiscent of the 70s. Maybe some synthesizers thrown in. Equally trippy, colorful, and humorous artwork accompanies the beat. Ideally all our hosts would appear on screen in varying outfits for each episode (minus Conan, who's alien-looking enough to pass and Jordan who just has the best "I'm an alien masquerading as a human" stare. No costumes needed, gentlemen! Sorry, but not sorry, Conan.) For the pilot, Goldblum goes blue-face, Danny dresses as a mutilated cow, and Ryan opts for his Deadpool persona holding a peace sign made of, well... sex toy alien phalluses; in all their weird - sometimes curvy - glory. Enjoy that.

First after the opening theme, we are introduced to a title card: "Drunk-ass Aliens: Cow Theft Gone Wrong".

"How do you fuck up stealing a cow?" Conan asks, laughing.

"Let's find out!" Danny exclaims excitedly. I imagine him leaning into his Frank Reynolds persona some - maybe eating something questionable. This earns him a strange side glance from Conan, who opts to keep uncharacteristically quiet after the exchange.

"Cow Theft Gone Wrong" begins. The clip begins with a different craft over a different cattle ranch. This one seems to be in Colorado, bordering a forest that leads up into the Rockies.

Inside, a teen Green and a teen Gray - both inebriated - both try to operate the ground-to-craft beam on the ship to catch a cow. The Gray, Veni, shows concern over getting caught stealing his family's craft while the Green, Xono, fails time and again to get the cow. He is too inebriated and unfamiliar with the craft's controls.

Eventually, Veni takes over, knowing the craft much better. He is able to wrangle the cow and bring it inside the craft. Just when he thinks he can relax, however, Xono expresses his own concern.

"I don't think that's a cow..."

Suddenly, an unexpected, powerful roar fills the craft, and Veni exclaims in terror, "Bear!"

Chaos unfolds as they try to avoid the bear; panels are smashed, gauges broken, the interior torn by the bear's claws. Finally, however, Veni is able to send the bear back to Earth, and the two breathe a sigh of relief.

"My family is gonna end me..." Veni states, taking in the extensive damages.

With that, the first clip ends.

"That was unbearable," Goldblum says, smirking. The other hosts groan.

Next, a title card for, "Take Me to Your-"

Another craft over another rural farm. Sheep this time. The drunk flyers stumble into a man's barn as he finishes putting away tools for the night.

"Take us to your-" one begins. A squat purple kind that we rarely hear about.

"I ain't ever gonna take you space-y fucks to any of our nation's leaders!" interjects the farmer.

"What? Why would we want to s-s-see your leaders?" laughs the second alien, a pale white with a large head, "You humansss are s-so -hic- fucking s-stupid."

"...Well, where do you want me to take you to?"

"How 'bout your bedroom, handsome," purrs a third - a flushed red. The farmer suddenly realizes they seek a different type of conquest.

"W-what?" the man responds, off guard. The three aliens laugh in unison before exclaiming:

"Take us to your wiener!"

And so ends the second clip.

"Oh no - that farmer's in trouble. Do wonder what alien nads are like..." Danny ponders aloud, munching on a new, equally questionably spongey substance as he leans over to examine Ryan's phallic peace sign.

"You know, I'm beginning to think that you're an alien, Danny," Conan remarks.

"Hm... Maybe I am!" Danny chuckles gleefully.

"Me too!" Goldblum pipes up, snatching a piece of the unidentified thing Danny is eating and trying it for himself. "Not bad."

"Just don't ask what's in it..." Danny replies under his breath cryptically.

"Is it a secret recipe?" Ryan asks, deadass Deadpool, as he too reaches to snag a piece of the item, "I bet it's a secret recipe. Man-meat? Are we eating man-meat? I hope it's man-meat." As he speaks, he pulls his mask up just enough to eat the... thing.

"Now, when you say man-meat - which, frankly, I'd love if we'd stop calling it that - do you mean... I mean, what exactly are you referring to when you say, "man-meat"?" Conan asks, exasperated.

"Naughty, naughty! I can't tell you - it's a secret recipe!" Ryan responds, wagging his finger at Conan. Suddenly, he turns back to Danny. "Is this even food? This doesn't taste like food..."

"Couch," Danny replies, nonplussed.

"Couch?" Conan repeats.

"Couch," Danny nods.

"...What the fuck?"

"We're gonna take a break!"