Wealth And Immortality Please

Over the great many years that I have lived and breathed, I seem to have acquired a plethora of totally useless information. For example, the reason men wear ties is simply to conceal their shirt buttons. Where on God’s earth is that going to get me? I got that little gem from some useless Religious Studies teacher at my Catholic secondary modern school.

I now fully understand how, when I first left school to start my very first job as an apprentice motor mechanic, I was mercilessly sent on a wide variety of fool's errands. How the head mechanic must have laughed, like a drain, when he saw me coming and realised what my schooling had taught me.

I was immediately sent to the pharmacy, next door to the garage, to buy a tin of compression powder, a bucket of steam and a long stand. I am highly embarrassed to admit how long I stood there waiting, as the pharmacist grinned at my youthful naivety.

Or, how about the immutable fact that I have got more than the average number of legs? And? So what? Lord knows where I heard that one. Peter Cook and Dudley Moor I think.

Here’s another for you, many years ago, out of nothing more than some weird, no doubt ego-driven, curiosity I did some Mensa tests. I was duly informed that I was amongst the top two per cent of the UK population. What on earth can I do with that apart from brag to lesser mortals for some sort of perverse, self-serving, totally unnecessary pleasure?

Now Grammarly has sent me a message telling me that I have used more unique words than 93% of users, that I am more productive than 87% of Grammarly users and more accurate than 66% of Grammarly users.

Well first of all that last figure doesn’t seem all that great, and hey ho diddly doo dah, let’s bring out the champers to celebrate in grand style this totally useless, precious gem of information.

What I really want to know is the winning six numbers of the national lottery. That would come in very useful indeed at my time in life. Far rather would I be the wealthiest dumbass in the world, than have to navigate the turbulent fiscal waters of advancing years with little more than a wealth of useless information and a higher-than-average Intelligence Quotient.

And since I am in the totally unreasonable mood to make supercilious demands of Mister and Missus Universe, I might as well throw in the selfish desire to live forever. Let’s face it, there is absolutely no point at all in being stinking rich and suddenly kicking the bucket. One can but dream, I suppose. Anyway, if one is to remain poor, one might as well be dead.

In the highly unlikely scenario of me ever getting either one of the two above desires fulfilled, wealth and immortality, the question is how shall I fill my endless days? Perchance I could endlessly entertain myself trying to see how far those, to-die-for, Grammarly statistics get me here on Vocal Media. I suppose at the very least it has inspired me to write this article, in which case I have found some valid use for that useless information.

What's more, I can have a little chuckle to myself and who knows, maybe one day I can tell my great, great, great,.....grandchildren how delightfully resourceful I was in re-cycling otherwise useless things. In a world full of overabundant excess of precious and precocious avarice, not to mention excessive waste on a global scale, resourcefulness is nothing to be ashamed of. Long live useless information.