What Being a Sick Animal Poster Child Taught me about Comedy Proofwriting

[The following letter is written in talking prose, like how i talk in real life as a real life human being, in an effort to be genuine, and in order not to provide you with some filler content cud file generated by a robot who is not me. This is a good idea I think. I am passionate about getting this job, and so I am opting out of writing in the boring ai-replaceable way in turn for a more natural approach, albeit any perceived informalities, which are surely purposeful and I claim them in this cover letter.]

Dear ATS or not,

First of all, I only eat foods that are perfect inverts. So no, I would not dare cut a deal for your madder steak dinner. meat color!, meat color!, and if no cyan anything. Not even a tasteless celadon sauce blotched on the side. I’ve never found a place in my heart for Seafoam Green, but I have in my stomach located destiny for the overdone color, if accompanied by its opposite.

This is like the food-touching people, people who won’t eat it if it’s touching the other thing. But this has nothing to do with that, this is about roygbp, the wheel of six and each their opposite. To eat properly is balance for the wheel, and that much makes sense, but what past that can be marketed to the average American mind for comprehension, to further the spread of the opposites’ divine conspiring?

Hi I’m Grraeidiindalle’e, and I’ll be your guide through this next tough part. (3. Please list previous clients or industries you have worked on:) Well. I’ve done many projects, clandestine or otherwise.-–professional? No. We’re talking marketing thingies: sculptures, auto interior woodcraft, stickers, websites, atmospheric comprehension– pre-hated, post-loved. A little bit about me is when I was a kid, is that my mom was the owner of South Paw Animal Hospital, up North, and so she would have these big parties where all the old white ladies would stand around eating in the surgery room and on the water tables, I don’t know what they were, maybe customers or maybe investors or the subsidiary staff or my mom’s parents’ friends maybe too. Well my professional experience is that I was used for marketing there, evidently, as they all said, “look at that cute kid aw I’m going to get my dog fixed there.” and so I would say that I’m vastly experienced in marketing adequately enough to give you the lowdown on how to sell this advanced new diet to the masses. Let’s get into it.

Most of all out of everything ever, I know a little bit about science, which I kindly incorporate into my writing, but would equally kindly prefer to incorporate into legally practicing veterinary medicine. Offspring of professionals should be allowed to inherit the task if they want without shipping off to college for 20 years. I couldn’t do that. Like actors’ kids getting roles. We’re so muddled in Hollywood, at the point now where we don’t even know which actor is the actor or acting kid of actor. ACTION!

ITEM 1: Interview with a CEO, On: Why they Eat “ROYGBP”

Hello sir where do you work?

-This is my first time speaking to you. I am CEO for 46 year and each time I do it I eat healthy roygbp roygbp! Yes!

Do you have anything to say about the sciences of your diet.. Roygbp, you call it?

-I love sciences, so much money! I’m CEO having so much of that in there.

There we have it, folks. Get rich quick by eating this diet.

-Is only one way to go, and it’s get rich. My advice for all youngs listening this movie, is make sure get the experience and, get that job! Be CEO like me! And be yourself, so important, because deep yourself is already CEO. LOVE!

Back to you Grraediindalle’e

I would have liked to fuckin know, over here letting my dreams of loving you run free through the government mandated 5 mph cove idle, making my discoveries. Driving a minimum wage jet ski around excited to show you, etc, whatever, you discarded me and replaced me with a weird apologetic for MY flaws haunted angel version of the exact same thing. You demoted me over and over, from not really married, to not together, explicitly not seeing, to strictly no discretion, to best friend, to a closest of friends, and now the sudden slip all the way down to “prison support letter writer.” But you don’t pen me. And so it is a one way shipment, more like, if I may coin the next dynamic, please: mail in voting.

Now that sure was something. Do you ever feel like a Dog With a Blog™? Do you feel tired, or annoyed? Don’t you want to feel better? Eat ROYGBP to solve this all. A better life starts with a better diet. When you balance this color wheel, by selecting the colors eaten of the day, you ensure that a real sister-wheel across the globe doing deep sea rovering is going to have an okay night. In real time, the wheel is ready to fall off, and if you fall off, if you cause a problem by eating too much blood with not enough baby spinach, a spoke will shoot out, and no more red spoke. That’s five spokes remaining and Lizcadet VII is looking awfully wobbly. This is the reality you didn’t realize you’re already signed up for, but now you know, so start acting like it and eat ROYGBP.

Here is a graph of ROYGBP opposites in case you are behind:

ITEM 2: POLYGRAPH OF LIZCADET VII. CONSENSUS--SHE WAS TELLING TRUTH.

If Lizcadet VII ends up sick because of you, you end up sick because of you too, and Lizcadet VII is doubly affected because of her curious empathy programmed for optimal deep diving. She’s just an empath and yeah, we’re on page two now.

Later on, she will prolly snap.

Nothing changes this fate.

We all fuck up and eat the wrong thing, and it causes a bad day. We feel blue. We feel gamboge. This way, at least, we are able to use a measurable way to see that it was coming. And in our measurements, science will make us rich.

Thank you for your continued consideration, and as always, I look forward to hearing back.

Love forever,