Dear Daughter

I haven't seen you in years. I haven't held you in my arms, heard your voice, or been able to tell you in person how much I love you for so long.

Time

Time is the worst kind of thief. It takes away memories, takes away things that can never be gained back, and then leaves you a gift of unending pain and loss.

I'd give up anything to hug you once more. I'd do anything to see your face. I'd freely release my tenuous hold on life to make sure you're happy and well taken care of.

Words

Words fail. They can't replicate human feelings. Words fall from my lips, escape my fingers and caress the blank canvas, but nothing compares to the sentiments in my heart and soul. The void deep inside me grows like the Nothing. It's there, I feel it, but I can't see it, touch it, can't excise the cancer, and nothing will ever fill the chasm of emptiness that appeared when we parted. I've tried to fill it. First with all the wrong things, then with other things, but but they too were swallowed by the darkness. Only your presence can erase the aching nothingness. Will you not come back to me? I'll craft you wings so you can soar across oceans back to me, I'll grant you passage through the fires of hell, I'll hold your hand through the darkness and fight the demons, if only you'll reach out to me.

I know you can't hear it, but I talk to you daily. Sometimes we have conversations in my head, other times I speak your name aloud, just so I can hear it. I tell you my fears that no one else knows about, my feats, my accomplishments, my failures. To you and only you, I confess the emptiness that can't be eradicated. Everyone else gets the happy façade. How long before it crumbles to dust and grit?

Calling out, the wind swallows my words, refusing to send them to you. If you could hear me, I'd tell the world! I'd shout from every mountain top, I'd paint my message across the expansive sky. It would say, "I love you. I miss you. Please forgive me. You're never alone as long as I still have breath."

Dreams

There rare times you visit me in dreams. When I see your angelic, smiling face I'm lifted up to the heavens. But when I wake, and you disappear like vapor in the wind, I'm tossed to the craggy rocks below, broken, shattered, but still I have to go on. I live for those dreams because for a brief time, reality doesn't pain me. I can pretend that all is well and right in the world. The one thing that I can't bring back is with me again; my constant, unheeded prayers have finally been heard, and they were answered. All the darkness evaporates, but then I wake, and the shadows return, the Nothing takes over again, and the pain... It comes back, laughing, bearing fangs, ripping, biting, cutting, never ceasing.

When I feel consciousness coming to rip you away from me again, I beg God, the Universe, anyone who will listen, to give me a few more precious moments. Time is the worst kind of thief. My pleas fall on deaf ears. I wake in the silent night desperately grasping at the feeling I had when I saw the dream you, but knowing that another day is going to come and go without a word.

Hope

Hope is a shapeshifter. For some it looks like a warm, glowing angel. Coming down to pull the destitute from vile, diseased clutches of despair. For others hope is a slimy creature wearing a dead skin mask. It's a false pretense. It whispers, gives tiny little pinpricks, is the itch you can't scratch, and it laughs when your brittle heart crumbles a little more.

When will you forgive me? When will you allow me back into your life? Every day that passes without you feels like another lifetime decaying in the ground. How many more days can I go on hoping?

I don't know. But if you're out there, please know that I love you. I miss you. You're not alone. All you have to do is reach out your little hand. Mine is already extended, ready to catch you.