Early Riser

This morning I woke-up feeling somber, a bit melancholy. Somewhere this feeling was in between forms of sadness and happiness. Still lying down, I grabbed my phone to see the time, (even though themy alarm off). Thinking to myself..."That it's my day off, I wish that I could just sleep-in. Still waking up at the same time, as I would be to start my working day"...

The power of the internal time clock I guess.

But while I was rising try to start my day. I just felt blank my-core being was just all numb. As I was lying down with my eyes closed. Lost images from a different time from my past, started racing through my mind.

Honestly, I have only fallen in love once in my life. I remember a brief time I spent with someone. One night they told me their story. The person was telling me when they were younger. One of their parents, tired to end it. That parent jumped-off from the third floor of a place, and unfortunately became paraplegic. The whole cause of it was because one parent found out about the other parent cheating.

Even though our time together was short, I fell for that person.

Truth be told. I am single, I've gone out there, onto the whole online/app dating sites. Let me tell you, all of them had been a waist of my time.

The last fellow...

We met on Hinge, and he is a few years younger than me. Know lie I am in my forties. At first I was thinking, not wanting to go out and meet him. Okay, okay we live in times where it's very different. There are always those possibilities right?

To break the setting down, we chat messaged on the app. Turned out we had similar interest/hobbies. He had a good job working in tech, where as I come from a worked background in creative works and administration. He kept chatting me-up, about wanting to treat and take me out for dinner. I finally caved and agreed to meet him.

How wrong I was.

Now going out to meet this one random dude did it for me. We met at a restaurant, and he was quite the talker. I was able to speak here and there a bit. But he would just end up cutting me off, so he could speak about himself. He was also very animated, talking and moving his hands a lot.

When I sat there staring at him, his arms moving around like a Muppet-Puppet. I started to realize he was definitely, on something and I knew I was ready to jet. When the server finally came around, he asked for the bill.

While we were waiting for the bill. He actually asked me if I could spot him. Practically I told no I don't think so. You asked me out. I didn't notice that our server was there ready to take payment. Understanding that the situation is awkward in her stance.

I asked to split the bill, I can cover myself, I bascically just want to be done and ready to leave.

It's really laughable.

After argument about how I wouldn't pay for him, he finally paid his share. While in the process of trying to leave. He asked me if I could do him a favor, and drive him home. That was a firm no on my part. As soon as I got home I blocked his number and deleted my dating account.

I just need to start my day.

With that and remembering more than one experience, I forced myself to get out of bed. Telling myself not to dwell on the past. Understanding that somewhere within my being. I did love someone. We aren't together, but from time to time they still play in my mind. If only it could be a forgotten memory.

I managed to get some productivity done. I did around 2026 strokes on my rowing machine, with a calorie count of 289 pushed threw. Rewarding myself by making an awesome breakfast. Eating and sipping my coffee, as I looked out the window and saw the sun-rise. With one question, quite within my thoughts.

What if only?...