I'm Sorry

I’m Sorry…

To the part of me I spent so long creating just to leave her behind. The part of me who saved me by pulling me out of the deep dark waters of my collapse. The part of me that resurrected me from the graveyard of betrayal. You rescued me, and I abandoned you. You brought me back to life and I destroyed your existence because I was eager to run away from everything you stood for. So anxious to turn the page, to start a new chapter, that I left the whole book unfinished. I grabbed a hold of the ship you brought in for me and then I left you to drown. For that, I am sorry.

Everything I have now is because of you. All of those sleepless nights wondering if my shaky ground would stabilize. You built me a foundation of cement but I evicted you. I drew up the blue prints and I gathered the materials for the first floor. I orchestrated the next level of my life and I excluded you even though you were the architect. You were the one who built this little Universe that was made into our home. However, I showed my gratitude by shipping you out to a part of the cosmos that didn't belong to us. The stars you gathered, the moon you hung, the sun you crafted. All of this was yours and I claimed it as my own as I watched you disappear into a black hole. You deserve better than that. I owe you so much more than that.

You are beautiful, sharp, and freaking hilarious! You are so fucking brave and fearless. You had the wildest laugh and oh my god how you lit up a room. The energy you put out could not compare to the energy I brought in. I adored you and everything you represented, but my broken heart could not carry you. I was so afraid you would lead me into destruction, not realizing your bewitching chaos is what saved me. I was so sure you would pull me back into rooms I didn't want to be in, lands I didn't want to explore, and oceans I did not dare cross. I was afraid that I would continually be left mending wounds I couldn't keep up with. Yet, after those wounds were all stitched up, the numbness made me realize how much I miss you.

I miss your ability to bounce back, and how nothing could stop you. Broken and bleeding, you would set the chaos ablaze and move on to your next adventure. As much as I tried to explore this world on my own, nothing compared to those starlit nights with you right by my side. You fought so hard to lead me to peace, yet you are not here with me to enjoy it. Although I am not sure you would enjoy it at all. These crickets would chirp quietly until you shot out the light just to stir the pot. I love you for that.

So, tonight I embrace the quiet for one last time as I map out the roads back to you. I’ll travel through any type of terrain, I’ll battle every army, and take down all the monsters. I’ll cross any sea and waver every storm until I meet you face to face again. I’ll fall to my knees and I’ll release my pride as I beg for your forgiveness. I will tell you that you were right and that I was crazy for not believing in you. I’ll draw in the moon, even when it’s out of view and make your dark nights bright. I’ll tell you I’ve made a grave mistake and I’ll plead until you come back to me. I’ll hand you back the reins and I’ll trust where you take us. I’ll fight anything and everyone that tries to take you from me again. I’ll hand over the blueprints and allow you to demolish the walls I’ve put up since you’ve been gone. You’ll thrive like the wild flower you are in our beautiful Universe you created for us and we’ll dance circles around our little corner of the cosmos.