This Damn Office Stinks

{MAILER-DAEMON}

Undeliverable: Delivery Status Notification (Failure)

To: [email protected]

cc: [email protected], [email protected]

----------------------------------------

Dear Lower Management,

It has been difficult to find the right moment to say this but, I regretfully write to you on the last square left on the roll, to inform you of my resignation.

Let's be honest, it's been a long time coming; too long. I've tolerated enough pushing and uncomfortableness, probably more than most, and have decided that the lack of clear communication and messy working environment has become more than I'd like to bear. I'm tired of being just another ass secretary. I deserve better. And you know it.

You might be thinking that I have quite the audacity to pen all this down. But listen, this is not by any means, an easy job. I've been a lifelong dedicated employee. I've answered calls with almost an average 99% accuracy. And that's with spotty training in the beginning! I mean, early-on failures were just part of the on-job learning experience of course. But I learned rather quickly. At least that's what others said. I always tried my best.

You should also know by now that I've taken additional trainings over the years to improve my communication skills. Have you though? I've worked very hard on mindfulness, putting in place proper routines and structure, and I've even spruced up the office multiple times to try and match your taste. Not that you ever made it clear what that was... But regardless, I've always made sure to take notes during meetings and be proactive. I've bought special snacks to appease your diet and have dropped certain foods from the menu that upset you. I've listened as best as I could for so long and have always tried to be one step ahead. Which is definitely not easy with an unpredictable boss like you. But I've always done my best to stay on task and be as prepared as possible.

You see, whether a meeting was scheduled ahead, you sent me on a last-minute run, or even when there were immense delays, I was always there for you. Through thick and thin, runny and solid, I've stuck and waited around. And let me talk about these delays for a moment. Do you know what it's like waiting in the office for three days?! I'd receive texts from you like, "almost there" or "omw", but it was all false hope. Three days, I waited! And this wasn't just once!

And if you think that the delays were rough, can you imagine the pressure of an unscheduled meeting when I wasn't anywhere near the office? Can you imagine how difficult and, quite frankly embarrassing it would be to have to call in from a forest? Or a rooftop in another country? Or even from a not-enough bushy tree in the back of an apartment complex near a main avenue!? You made me pull all the stops. And I was ALWAYS there.

But did I receive any gratitude? Appreciation? Acknowledgment for my efforts despite some nearly impossible situations? You bet I didn't. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Aside from my own personal relief, I got nothing from you. If anything, sometimes you'd even burn on about my "tardiness" and "disorganization"! And any time I tried to have a proper sit-down dialogue with you, you'd just pucker up and ignore me! What kind of boss even does that? How do you even expect to run a well-functioning system if the ass in charge can't take any feedback or be even a tad flexible! I needed you to be flexible!

You know, we've been together for so long, through so many experiences. We've freakin' meditate together. Couples' massages. Even went to therapy about it! But every time, you'd just shut down and clench up. Like a damn clam. Do you know how many times you've made me yell? Or cry?!

I'm getting worked up about it now just writing all this to you. But will you care?

Anyways, I guess I had more in me than I thought. That's what happens when you let it all build up for so long. Shit just rots and stinks and then it just explodes. You know all about that. But the point is, is that no matter how hard I worked to be there for you, you never bothered to acknowledge my efforts. I'd get you the best toilet paper in the business, even put up artwork to decorate the damn stinkin' place. But you've always just treated me like a second thought. Your attitude really just drains a person. It's time that I chose myself for once. It's my time to shine, worry and duty-free.

Don't bother tooting for me anymore. I'm out of office.

~

Pooped out,

Oneg in the Arctic

(at least the snow cooled you down that one time)

~

P.S. We're out of toilet paper.