Today

I have lost the ability to write. Mostly because I don't exercise that skill anymore, and I don't read anymore. When I was a little girl, I would write all the time. The moment I learned how to form a sentence, I fell in love with it. I have a very troubled childhood, and consistency in anything is something I struggle with. Commitment. I remember back when I was a preteen, I would not only write diary entries, but short stories. All of which I felt were not good enough. So I ripped them out and threw them away. Even the diary entries. I felt my life was not good enough or compelling enough. All I ever wrote about was my family's dysfunction and boys. Sometimes I wonder if any of my family members have ever stumbled upon any of those torn up pages. I'm almost certain that I was not careful enough to hide them back then. Well it's not like they respect me or my privacy either way so.....

Anyway.

I want to get back into this again. Super informal. Free writing. Very little editing. Just like the good old days before social media. (I was probably KandiGurl or something like that on Xanga back in 2002) I need to do this. I'm not exaggerating. The demons around me are provoking anger. If I do not release everything that is inside, I'm going to combust.

The longer I am here on this earth, the more I am beginning to understand how they have controlled me. They use emotion. I was going to write all about that today. All about how hard it is to be on God's side. Not in terms of morality. When it comes to that, I agree with Him 100%. The demons. They make it harder. They have been plotting on me since before I was even born. They had plans for me. Total utter destruction. It's only by the grace of God that I am still here.

But I'm not going to go into that right now. All I will say about is - I need to rule over my emotions. Especially anger, sadness, and resentment. I don't need to be numb. I need to feel these emotions, but I have to learn to control my thoughts and actions in relation to these feelings.

Now I know what Jesus meant by enduring until the end.

I need The Holy Spirit to be working in me and through me at all times. I have to rule over my emotions. Because the only one who is hurting at the end of the day is me. And I am hurting God. With this comes a lot of shame. I am repeating sins that I should have overcome a long time ago. It's a vicious cycle. I'm ashamed of myself, so I tell myself God wants nothing to do with me and so I sin knowing the sin is what is making me feel ashamed in the first place. I ended up going back to my nest (meaning I moved back in with my family) when I absolutely really did not have to. (I will explain that later too) Maybe it saved my life. Or maybe it will be the end of me.

Again, anyway.

Diary... we have a lot of catching up to do. When I was a little girl, I started my first diary by introducing myself. So it's only right that I close the first entry in the first real diary I've had in almost a decade by re-introducing myself.

Hi. It's me, Kandis. Remember me? I'm the escapist and the introvert who needed you to cope a lot when I was kid and young adult. Alot has changed since then and I want to give you all the tea. Trigger warning: This is some dark stuff. It's not for the faint of heart. The mother I used to cry and rant about way back when, has nothing on the mother I know now. The sister and I are doing better. (Can you believe that?) Or are we? My dad... I don't even want to think about it. Love life,.......... let's not.

I want to reminisce on the old times too. I need to remember what God, and this form of expression; you, have gotten me through in the past. Nice to have you in my life again.

Until tomorrow,

Kandis