What I’ve Learned About Keeping Our Marriage Alive After 5 Years

I’m not a marriage counselor. I’m just a 30 year-old guy who is self employed an entrepreneur, pays bills, coaches people how to make money online on weekends, and has been married to the same woman for the past 5 years . We’ve had good stretches and rough ones—job losses, a kid with health issues, nights where we barely spoke because we were both exhausted. But we’re still here, still choosing each other. If you’re a husband looking for practical ways to protect what you’ve built, here’s what actually works for me. No fluff, no magic formulas—just stuff I’ve seen make a real difference.

1. Show up for the small things every single day

The big romantic gestures get all the credit in movies, but they don’t hold a marriage together. What does is the boring consistency. I make her coffee every morning before I leave for the site. Black, two sugars, in the blue mug she likes. She never asked me to; I just started doing it because I noticed she always rushed out the door stressed. That five-minute habit says “I see you” more than any expensive dinner could.

When I get home, I ask about her day first—really ask, not the half-listening version while scrolling my phone. I put the phone face-down during dinner. Small? Yes. But it builds trust that I’m not half-checked out.

2. Fight fair and fix it fast

We argue. About money, parenting, whose turn it is to handle the leaking faucet. The difference now versus year three is we don’t let it fester. I used to stonewall—shut down, go silent for hours because I hated feeling wrong. That made everything worse.

I learned (the hard way) to say, “I’m pissed right now, but I don’t want to stay mad. Can we talk in 20 minutes?” It gives us both space to cool off without turning it into a war. When we do talk, no name-calling, no bringing up stuff from 2015. We stick to the issue at hand. And afterward, we say sorry—genuinely, not just to end the fight. A real “I was wrong about that, and I’m sorry I hurt you” goes further than any excuse.

3. Protect your sex life like it’s part of the foundation

Intimacy isn’t optional once kids and careers pile up. We both get tired, bodies change, stress kills the mood. But we made a rule early: don’t let more than a couple weeks go by without connecting physically. Not because of some scorecard, but because when we drift apart in bed, we start drifting everywhere else.

Sometimes it’s quick and functional. Sometimes it’s slow and intentional. The point is we prioritize it—even if that means locking the bedroom door at 9 p.m. instead of binge-watching another show. I also make an effort to notice her—tell her she looks good in those jeans, touch her back when I walk by. Little sparks keep the fire from going out completely.

4. Be her teammate, not her critic

My wife handles most of the mental load—doctor appointments, school forms, meal planning. Early on I thought “I bring home the paycheck, she handles the house stuff.” That was dumb. It bred resentment.

Now I actively look for ways to lighten her load. I handle bedtime three nights a week so she can read or take a bath. I plan date nights instead of waiting for her to suggest them. When she vents about work, I don’t jump to “fix it” mode unless she asks. Most times she just wants me to listen and say, “That sounds really frustrating. I’m on your side.”

Being her safe place matters more than being right.

5. Keep growing—together and apart

We aren’t the same people we were at 24. That’s good. I started lifting weights again last year because I felt sluggish and wanted to feel strong for her and our son. She took up painting classes because she needed something that was just hers. We cheer each other on instead of feeling threatened by it.

We also do one intentional thing together every year—a weekend away, a marriage retreat through our church (nothing intense, just talking with other couples), or even a book we read at the same time and discuss over coffee. It reminds us the marriage is a living thing that needs attention, not something that runs on autopilot.

The bottom line

Keeping a marriage isn’t about being perfect. It’s about choosing respect, effort, and kindness every day—even when you don’t feel like it. Some days I nail it. Some days I screw up and have to make it right. But I’ve learned that showing up consistently, owning my mistakes, and treating her like my best friend and teammate keeps us solid.

If you’re reading this and thinking “Yeah, but my situation is different,” I get it. Ours isn’t perfect either. But start with one small change—make the coffee, put the phone away, say sorry first. Those little bricks build something strong over time.

What about you? What’s one thing that’s helped keep your marriage going? I’d love to hear it.