A Hand To Guide Me

It's easy to find someone to look up to, but when it comes down to it someone successful will show you someone who didn't want positive influences in his or her life. Admit it, at some point in your life you came out on top and some asked you how you did it, you secretly didn't want to share with them how you got there. No matter who you are or what you do there is someone to show you how and to cheer you on through it. I'll lay the odds.

Were all destined to leave some kind of mark, may it be in someone's life or the whole world. That's something I strongly believe in. there's a line from a movie, The bone collector, that ties into what i'm talking about: ''Destiny is what we make it'' I have watched this film so many times some might call it a religion. A homicide detective played by Denzel Washington, comes to a point in his life where he questions his existence. planning his suicide before he met Amelia, played by Angeline Jolie. The detective then got caught up in a case chasing a serial killer, and soon enough there were sparks between the two lead characters. suddenly there was every reason to live, even though just moments ago there'd be no reason at all. I also believe there are people on this planet to help guide us on the certain path we are meant to walk, someone that will help us to see the purpose we were walking the path for, and without this certain push we might not find that direction, we might not find that path we are meant to follow. Denzel Washington gave me that certain push, that helping hand when I was going through hell, he helped me realize that if you're going through hell you better keep going. Why would you want to stop in hell?

But to leave you with just the notion that ‘’Destiny is what we make it’’ would be cruel. I have to explain more. On 2018 December 21st on a Thursday afternoon, I was at a point in my life where I questioned my existence. Something a 15-year-old commonly questions, wow that's deep, so like its life after birth. Hopeful. I was in a cold basement room asking myself ‘’What do you want?’’, ‘’Why are you here’’ I was stuck with many platitudes, there's the science ‘’biocentrism’’ and that were all living and dying in infinite universes all at the same time, and then there's the religion the Christians and their salvation and the Buddhists and their samsara and then the Hindus and their 41st sacrament. Ohh you can't forget the poetry, Ohh the poetry ‘’And to die is different from what anyone supposed and luckier.’’ Walt Whitman AND ‘’RAGE… RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT, The wise men at their end know dark is right’’ Dylan Thomas and then ‘’Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream’’ lyric from a kids song and above all it means that you're a natural part of life we shouldn't hate you we shouldn't fear you, I guess we should just accept you, right? That's it? Eh, I get it here's the thing: it's all a bunch of intellectual bullshit. All we carry ourselves every day with is hope, hope for the future. I ran out of hope. I tried to kill myself but I couldn't do it because I was recreant in finishing the job. I was sentenced to three days of forced hospitalization or involuntary hospitalization. There I was watched, taken care of, and scared. I would find myself mindlessly having finely constructed conversations with patients that had tried to do the same thing as me but weren't as cowardly and in the right mind. So instead of watching every word I spoke, I read. A hand to guide me, Denzel Washington. Life had meaning once again. I was so inspired by the stories of his inspirations he so fearlessly provided, there I knew I had a purpose, direction, a path. This was the beginning of a new world for me, an eye-opener some might suggest. All along I was clay being beaten and watered down and burned by life, I was now ready to be molded. Denzel taught me everyone has a story, everyone has something to teach so let them share two cents when you have the patients and time.

I will have to also give my dad some consideration. Even though he does not deserve it, he helped and pushed me to be the man I am today. ‘’Stereotypes of a black male misunderstood and it's still all good’’ biggie smalls on the track juicy after explaining he dropped out of high school. My father is a 9-5 worker as friendly as they come and not in my life…

My mom fell in love with a man not prepared to hold onto responsibility but still wanted some. She also had 4 kids with me being the second born after my older sister (another great role model). I looked up to him as my first role model. I do have two older half brothers who I love dearly, we a big family, the half of us are distant. We are no white picket fence family but we do love each other. But that wasn't enough for him. He upped and left with his new wife. Simple and cruel.

From what I remember he always kept the same character and never let anyone break it. This allowed him to always conceal his intentions, may that not been intended to be passed down to his third son this is what I took from him. “If they have no clue what you're up too then they cannot prepare a defense” I would tell myself as he let an uncle disrespect him to his face. “All warfare is based on deception” Sun Tzu claimed and I understood and felt a connection to my dad when I read, The Art Of War, by Sun Tzu. He also introduced me to business. He says “business can provide you with freedom, freedom is to do as you please when you please” I never understood what he meant until recently, but such wise words from a frail “man”. He’s nothing besides motivation to become a great man. I once promised my mom to be a better man than my dad, I realized I was a better man when I made that promise. This should set a picture of who he is, if anything it helps me picture what he might be like today if I knew the man. Maybe old with white hairs… making old people jokes like that music too loud I can’t hear my thoughts, or even I don’t trust those trees over there, they look shady; I will never understand why he left me and my family, we are so strong and beautiful. It almost seems like we scared him away because my siblings didn’t allow him to have control. He taught me so much by just not being a part of my life, independence. I had to learn many things on my own, things a woman can not teach a man, even though my mom has raised me into a gentleman she couldn't show me how to properly shake a mans hand, how the man at the barbecue is the closest thing to a king, to never to take the first offer, when you’re entrusted with a secret keep it, play with passion or don't play at all and be like a duck remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath these things he taught me by being absent and I can only be grateful because it's all brought me to a happy place in life. Without my father, in my life, I wasn't able to understand how color had beauty because my mom is white, but what he did teach me is to appreciate every breathing moment because in a matter of seconds it will only be a memory. Maybe I don't look up to him but he is a big influencer in my life. Shout out to you pops, you did great.

Thank you for taking the time to read this over. I really hope you enjoy my writing style and feel every word and sentence I put together in my story. It took a lot of perseverance to put this together. I also want to thank you for this great opportunity to share who my influencers are and who I look up to. I believe it is a taboo conversation but should be looked upon more often. I hope that you can read this and maybe take something from it, I love you.