Procrastination via Justified Distraction

Have you ever wondered what HD cameras, microphones, and mirrors have in common?

I have.

I pinky promise I'll share what I've deduced in a just a moment, but first, a story...

When you decide to go all-in on your healing work, actually putting into practice all the manifesting principles you've studied for nearly a decade, and fully commit to radically changing your life, shit starts to shift.

When you wake up one day to a reality that's breathtakingly unrecognizable, you instinctively go all Beautiful Mind and begin fervently trying to piece together WTF you actually did to arrive there (there = finally experiencing the peace and wholeness you've craved since birth).

As you start to connect the dots, and the answers begin revealing themselves, you naturally feel called to share them. That's where I found myself this past Spring - ready to pivot into a new career in the world of wellness, woo, and personal development.

I felt called to share my story; to share my transformation; to share my answers.

After all, in a relatively short timeframe, I'd managed to:

• Transition, from party girl (who numbed out with booze because facing her traumatic childhood was too painful) to a happy non-drinker who put down the wine bottle with less effort than it takes to press play on the latest episode of Big Little Lies.
• Finally, call back all the disowned parts of myself, look into the shadows, and process the emotions that had kept me locked in survival mode, where struggle and suffering had become my norm.
• Holistically heal my body and mind from what doctor's told me would be chronic conditions, requiring lifelong pharmaceutical intervention.
• Recover from financial devastation after an epic business failure left my partner and I bankrupt and verging on homelessness (for the third time in my life) and instead, miraculously manifested us a beautiful new house; the first house that's ever felt like home.
• Breathe new life into my relationship with my partner (when it was seemingly beyond repair) and forge a bond so strong that not even Wreck-It Ralph could break it. We even went on to get married after 15-years of partnership.

So, there I was, on the proverbial "other side", changed on a cellular level - mind, body, heart, and soul - ready to share what I'd learned with the world.

Obviously, in our digital age, making YouTube videos and livestreaming on Facebook would be the best way to reach the people who'd most resonate with my message, right?

Of course! So, I did what any soon-to-be-vlogger would do, and invested in cameras, microphones, and lighting.

That's when it happened.

Fear and insecurity crashed the party.

As I realized that I would actually have to hit the record button at some point, like a tsunami, self-criticism flooded my mind. Here's how it went down:

• When I first gazed upon my face through the lens of my shiny, new Logitech Pro Stream Webcam, the scars resulting from my 20-year battle with acne were all I could see. My inner mean girl told me that my face was hideous, unacceptable and that no amount of makeup could ever deem me camera-worthy.
• When I first heard my voice, as captured by my cute, new Blue Snowball iCE Mic, I wanted to die of shock. Is that how I really sound?! Is that really what people hear when I speak?! My inner mean girl told me that my voice was weak and flimsy and that nobody would ever be able to tolerate listening to me long enough to benefit from what I had to say.
• As I ran to the mirror for a reality check (I'd always been a pretty confident person who generally liked what I saw in my reflection), I completely broke down. The voice had gotten louder. My inner mean girl convinced me that I hadn't really achieved anything worth sharing anyway. I mean everyone goes from being a drunk, sick, penniless, miserable failure to a sober, healthy, high-earning, lit-the-fuck-up success by committing to doing the inner work required for true and lasting transformation, right? Who was I to think my story could inspire anyone?

And that's when an old pattern (that I wasn't even aware of yet) began to play out. It was so subtle that I didn't even notice it was happening.

In an effort to "feel more confident", I decided to throw myself into learning all there is to learn about skincare. My rationale went something like this: "I deserve to have a face that I'm proud to show to the world, so I should take the time needed to research and implement a skincare routine that will reduce the appearance of my acne scars. It doesn't matter how long it takes. I'm worth it."

I mean, who could argue with that?

However, the real story (that I wasn't ready to acknowledge just yet) went more like this: "If I can distract myself with something that seems legitimate, I can feel justified in letting fear and negative thoughts control my life, all while simultaneously avoiding actually showing up and being vulnerable. To hell with all those people who desperately need to hear the message I have to share. My vanity is more important!"

Gross, I know.

So, what was really going on here?

I now know that I was indulging in my own personal brand of self-sabotage: Procrastination via Justified Distraction

But, at the time, it honestly felt legitimate.

It felt so legitimate, that I carried on for MONTHS educating myself about:

• The differences between (and benefits of) peptides, vitamin c, AHA's, BHA's, retinol, niacinamide, and hyaluronic acid.
• Whether to remove makeup with face-oil, micellar water, or cleanser (Wait, should it be cream or foaming?)
• Which additives are toxic and which brands offer clean beauty.
• How each of these 3-million products should be layered.
• Whether I should be derma-rolling at home or investing in professional treatments.

I drove myself crazy, obsessed with solving a problem that BARELY EXISTED.

And so, while sufficiently distracted for months on end, blissfully avoiding my fear of being seen and heard, I made zero headway in the pursuit of this calling. I showed up to serve exactly no one. And, most importantly, I delayed the remembrance of a critical truth:

My self-worth (and yours) can never be derived from external sources. It has to come from within.

So, back to the question I posed at the beginning of this story...

Have you ever wondered what HD cameras, microphones, and mirrors have in common? I'll tell you.

They're sneaky, unassuming, harbingers sent to unleash the full fury of your inner mean girl, just when you think you have your shit together.

Wow, now that's some David Blaine level trickery. And that inner mean girl... What a bitch! Who invited her anyway?

Hmm... Well, given that she's part of us, I guess we did... Dammit!

In fact, the inner mean girl is really just a construct of our extraordinarily clever minds. This part of our mind is willing to go to extremes in order to keep us stuck in our comfort zone, feeling safe, secure, and playing small. It uses all tools at its disposal to "help" us (including electronics, delivered within 24 hours, from Amazon Prime).

This part of our mind invents stories, attempts to sell us lies, and can have us doubting our divinity, all with awe-inspiring subtlety that makes the whole production almost go unnoticed.

While this charade is impressive, in all seriousness, it's not malicious.

Our incredible minds are just trying to protect us from our most primal fears; in this case, the fear of being rejected and abandoned by the tribe. And while that was once a valid fear, back when we relied on the tribe for survival, it doesn't really apply to modern life.

In an effort to protect me:

• My mind used an HD camera to tell me was ugly.
• My mind used a microphone to tell me I was weak.
• My mind used a mirror to tell me I wasn't enough.

And, it almost worked. For a moment, I actually believed these lies.

But, once I was willing to examine my behaviour, and see the situation for what it really was (an elaborate ploy to keep me playing small), I was able to reconnect with the truth, which is:

• I'm freaking adorable, flaws and all.
• I'm a natural story-teller with a voice capable of carrying my message.
• I'm living proof of what's possible and that is worth sharing.

As soon as I did the work required to heal these fears, inspiration began to flow. I was temporarily guided away from the online approach and inspired to start a local Meetup group to share my message - in person, with real women, right here, right now, no dickin' around.

Before I could allow a new distraction to swoop in and enable my procrastination tendency, and before I could freak-out and shrink back to safety, I set up the group, I scheduled the first events, and I showed up to share and connect with our founding members.

And guess what?

The fears evaporated. My message resonated. And, we even made some pretty goose-bump-inducing soul sister connections.

So, what's the key to circumventing the mind's propensity for self-sabotage?

It's almost too simple that we risk writing it off altogether...

Here it is: Awareness.

Awareness is the antidote.

The sooner we become aware of the dialogue spewing from our inner mean girl, and see it for what it really is (a load of crap, invented by our mind, designed to keep us "safe"), the sooner we can expose those lies to the light and replace them with the truth.

The sooner we become aware of our self-sabotaging behaviours, the sooner we can recognize when we're engaging in them, stop, and choose again.

It's that simple.

As we move into a new week, I invite you to examine your own self-sabotaging patterns and put a plan in place to prevent them, or shift them quickly, once you notice that they've begun to play out.

xo Lia