The New Notebook

I threw the notebook on the floor. The small black notebook slid across the worn carpet and stopped near the wall. From my bed, it looked like a black hole in the floor. I thought, “can I just crawl into that hole?”

Monday- 12th

My counselor’s instruction is to write in my journal nearly every day. Sara said that by writing my feelings down, I could name them, face them, and deal with them. The plan, she says, is to own the feelings, own the cause of the feelings, and to discover a plan to have different feelings. Well, Sara, my feelings aren’t the cause of my problems, they’re the effect. How does focusing on the effect change the outcome?

Tuesday- 13th

Being dumped, divorced, broke and underemployed are the cause of my feelings. I don’t see how writing about my emotions is going to solve the problems. Sara said that actions lead to thoughts and thoughts lead to emotions. By changing my actions, she said, I can change my emotions. I don’t see how a little black notebook is a solution- it’s just the evidence. But, at least it’s the right color.

Sat.-16th

Another day, another journal entry. How many times can I write, “I hate my job, I’m lonely and I’m still angry?” This journal is no journey, it’s just circling the drain! I’d stop seeing the counselor, but she’s the only one I talk to anymore. Sara told me, “find something you used to enjoy and rediscover it.” With what money, time or energy? Her view of my reality is not the same as mine. I should ask her to read my journal. She’ll be miserable just reading about my sad sack days. Oddly, it cheers me up just to think about watching her as she reads my notebook.

Thurs-21st

My ex-husband, Brian, was cruel to me. I knew he could be a jerk, when we were dating, but I never thought he’d act that way to me. What was I thinking, marrying him? That he would magically be a better person? Be the person he was, to me, at the best of times, all of the time? The three-year marriage started off well, but when we moved, for his new job, things started to go badly for me. I didn’t find a job as good as the one I had, before the move. His new job, and friends, were so important to him. He was not interested in my problems, and wasn’t interested in doing the things we used to enjoy. Brian’s student loans became my loans. His spending to dress himself and our new home for his job, added to our debt. Now I have the debt, the crummy job, and the economy apartment, with the virtual hole in the floor. Even Little Debbie isn’t making me feel better today.

Mon-1st

Today I got a call from the law firm of Weller, Penn and Avery. I missed the call and the office was closed by the time I got off of work. I’ve been spinning about this for hours. What can this be? Now, I’ll have to wait for a break, during work tomorrow, to call back. What fresh hell is this?

Tues-2nd

Jason Avery said that I have been named in my ex-husband’s, uncle Don’s will and has requested that I meet him at his office. I had to request the time off from work and will meet him next week. At least this journal has an interesting entry today. Doom and gloom intercepted by intrigue and hope.

Fri-5th

On my way home today, I stopped at the new gym offering $20/month introductory membership. It will get me out of my apartment once in a while. Sara cancelled our counseling session for this week, so I’ll get a break on the fee. I might as well put the small windfall to good use.

Wed-10th

Now I remember why I quit going to the gym. At least it’s convenient, as it’s right on my way. I actually got home only 30 minutes later usual. Once I was done with the tortuous treadmill, and in my car, I discovered that the traffic had lightened up.

I spoke to Lisa today, at lunchtime. She said that she might join the gym, also. Not good-now I’ll have to rethink my work out clothes. So much for anonymity.

I have that appointment tomorrow, with the attorney. Here’s to hoping!

Thurs-11th

Holy cats! Brian’s uncle left me, yes me, $20,000! He made out the will before Brian and I got married and never changed it. Apparently, he knew he was sick and wasn’t sure how long he had. I asked the attorney if Brian knew about the money and he said “yes, he did”. The attorney implied that Brian was royally pissed to discover that he could do nothing to prevent me from getting the money. Oh, Karma, sometimes you are so sweet! Now, what to do with the money? What a joy to have choices!

Wed.-17th

I stopped at the gym today, and Lisa was there. We chatted about work, as we walked on adjacent treadmills. She hates her job, too. She mentioned that there is a job fair at the Ramada, in a couple of weeks.

Tue-23rd

Sara, said that I should stick to the plan and to use the notebook to keep recording my feelings. She suggested it would be good to label a few pages with: what I’m angry about, what I regret, what I’d like to do and what I hope for. She said it might help me decide what to do with the money. She’s impressed that I joined the gym and said that the exercise will help to lift me out of the darkness. She’s a peach.

Tue-2nd

My pages are filling up. So far, I have 3 pages of bad feelings and regrets, and one page each of good things and hopes. I get my check, next week. How do I buy a new life? I added a page for ideas of what to do with the money.

Wed. 10th

Today my employer offered an “upskilling” training opportunity. Employees must apply and those selected and successfully complete the training, will get a new job, new title and higher pay. I spoke to my boss about it, and she said that I have a good chance at getting one of the positions. The extra time involved is not paid, but the training is paid for by the company. I am excited about it.

Thurs. 18th

I got the check! I paid off most of my debt, but I’m still considering what to do with the rest of the money.

Fri. 19th

Sara said that I might want to see her less often. She reminded me to keep journaling. On my way home from her office, I saw a car that looked like Brian’s, on the side of the road. As I rolled past the broken-down car, with the flashers blinking, I looked at the driver. As Brian’s eyes met mine, I did not smile, nod, wave or stop. Now, he’s on his own.

Sat-27th

Lisa and I went shopping today. It was fun to try on and buy some new spring clothes and a pair of new sneakers. Lisa and I chatted while she tried on white sandals. She and I are planning a trip. As we browsed in the nearby bookstore, I also bought a new notebook- a soft, green, fresh one.