What Is Happening?

Does anyone else have the looming fear that life has literally no purpose, like at all? Because I find myself getting up in the morning, getting ready, going to work, going home, going to bed, and repeating that. Every day. I find myself waking up a little bit later in the mornings. I set more alarms so I can actually wake up before I get up. I put in less and less effort when I get ready for work in the morning, and often get things done to me that make getting ready in the morning less of a hassle (i.e. get my lashes done so I don't have to put on makeup). I leave at the last possible second for work, and still get coffee on my way to work, because I can't survive the next 8 hours without it. I am late every morning, but my boss doesn't care. I don't actually work that hard, the job is just really easy, so I get it done quickly and just bullshit my way through the rest of the day. I avoid making plans so I can stay in my bed when I get home from work, and I don't even fall asleep until around 1 AM. And then we start at the beginning again. I find little to no interest in eating food. I eat because I'm bored. I try to only hang out with "friends" once or twice a week, because anything more than that seems exhausting. I am re-watching the same show with 14 seasons on Netflix... again.

I don't know when this happened. When I started not caring about life anymore. When I started avoiding everything, just to get to the next boring day. I'm always on Pinterest, Instagram, Tumblr, etc., seeing people posting beautiful pictures of these insane adventures and trips that they're going on, and I want that. I want to be able to travel and smile in pictures because I'm genuinely happy. I want to enjoy being somewhere besides my own bed again. I used to be like that. When I first left my family's religion and was "sneaking around," I would ride the train everywhere I went, I would meet new people in coffee shops, I would take pictures and videos of everything I did, and I would take care of myself. I didn't care if I only got two hours asleep, because work went by faster when I had being with friends to look forward to. An "adventure" could have been walking up and down the streets until we found a new shop to visit, or deciding to get high and dye our hair. I miss getting drunk and walking around at 3 in the morning out in the city when it's quiet.

I used to be a lot more happy. When I had something to fight for. I was happy, I was free, and I felt like how looking at those pictures make me feel now. I think what happened is that once I solidified that freedom I had always been seeking, I lost interest in the things I was doing, because they were no longer so "rebellious" or what not. So now that I don't have that to fight for, what do I have? What does life mean, what is the purpose of it all, what is the ultimate motivator, and why is being an adult so fucking expensive?

I got into my current habits, because making money became the only thing that mattered. And I don't think that's because I value money whatsoever, it's because I need money to survive. And in today's world, surviving is expensive. And it sucks. I wish I could cash out my annual earnings and just go on the ultimate trip and never look back. But rent is due, phone bills, medical bills, bills in collections because I was too sick to work, paying family members back that once loaned me money, groceries, gas, basic necessities like pads and tampons and fucking toilet paper. It all adds up and the 40K that I make annually ends up being more like 5K that I get to spend on things I actually want and make me happy throughout the entire 12 months of the year. I didn't learn about this part of life when I was in high school. I didn't learn about the fact that if you get sick and can't work, you're gonna be fucked for a while. I never learned that my body was going to change and I would gain weight and, in turn, my depression and body dysphoric disorder would eat me alive. I was never told that if I ended up not believing in the same God that my parents believe in, that they would practically cut me off and treat me like the literal Antichrist of the family. They don't teach you this shit in high school.

I shouldn't complain about the amount of money I make, and I know that, but technically I am so deep in debt, that I am not actually going to be able to use that money for another year, because I have so many bills to pay off. I created a budget, I am going to get it all paid off, and then I am going to save that money. Any extra income, is going to be saved. Because in a year from now, I don't want to be sitting at this desk, writing another piece about how shitty life is. I don't want to be in business professional attire, with my hair done and high heel shoes on. In a year from now, I want to wake up in a tent somewhere tropical. I want to get coffee at a local shop, and read a book on the beach. I want to be taking beautiful pictures of beautiful places, and beautiful things, and beautiful people.

At times, life seems to have no purpose whatsoever. It seems tedious and repetitive. And we tend to fall into our own habits of making that worse. Especially when we fall into the category of "I don't know what I believe in spiritually, so now I have no fucking clue what I'm living this life for if it's not to end up in some celestial heaven." But I've come to the conclusion that we live our lives for ourselves. We have to just do what makes us happy and what makes us feel fulfilled. I personally believe that as long as you are a good person, and do things to help make the world a better place, that no matter what afterlife there may or may not be, you'll end up being just fine. Stop being so damn hard on yourself. Start taking care of your skin, start drinking more water, live more waste free, be more passionate about helping the environment, adopt a fucking cat if you want to. This is your life, and no matter how lost you are, you can find your way.

Being an adult really sucks, dating sucks, paying bills sucks. But there are so many things out there that we can look forward to, so that going to work every day isn't the longest part of our day anymore. Laying in the grass looking at stars, making art and music, being with positive people... that's what should feel like eternity. Start doing things that make YOU happy. Who gives a fuck if you offend someone else? This isn't their life. It's yours.