Why Self-Help Books Don’t Always Work & What To Do Instead?

Remember your first bike? I remember mine. It was bright purple, sparkling tassels on the handlebars, and all-white seat and tires. The bike was also a two-wheeler.

I always wanted a bike. Only problem? I didn’t know how to ride a two-wheeler.

How was an overweight kid, naturally clumsy kid, supposed to ride a two-wheeler like all the other cool kids in the neighborhood? Without, god-forbid, scraping my knee?

I practiced on the grass. I would waddle back-and-forth on my bike on the front lawn, in the hot Florida sun. Later, when I felt bold and brave, I’d move onto the sidewalk. Eventually, I moved on to the sidewalk and succeeded in riding my bike on my own.

Notice how I didn’t need to read a self-help book?

I got on the bike and taught myself through trial and error and then took off like a bat out of hell.

Now, when it comes to self-help books they’re a dual-edge sword. The information in them, when curated by an author who did their research is invaluable.

I love self-help books.

But, when it comes to the part where they stop being helpful, that’s when they start to trigger slippery slope behavior.

Situation: Self-Help Books Tell You What Your Problem Is & Give You An Obvious Answer:

I don’t want to read like reading a self-help book that makes me feel or look stupid.

For instance, some self-help books I’ve picked up in the past about dating have always started along these lines:

Self-Help Book’s Question: Are you lonely, depressed, sad, pitiful and unable to find another human being among 8 billion people to say let’s go out for coffee?

Self-Help Book Doubles Down On Your Problem: Maybe you’re lonely because you have no friends. Maybe you’re depressed because you need meds. Maybe you’re sad because you’re not happy. Maybe you’re pitiful because you are a punk. And, maybe you can’t find a human being among the 8 billion people on earth to go out for coffee because you don’t like coffee.

And Then The Book Answers The Question: You should go out more to make friends. You should take meds or exercise. You should smile more. You should (wo)man up. You should ask someone out for tea and not coffee.

I know those answers already. I opened this book to find different answers. But, that’s the funny thing about self-help books, they tell you the obvious. A lot of them do. And, yet we still buy and consume them in search of new answers to the same freaking problems.

Solution: Take Action Instead Of Looking For Answers

Gathering information is useful when you don’t know where to begin. Taking action and putting to practice the information you’ve researched is when everything starts to fall-into-place. That’s why parents push their kids to ride bikes by taking them to the park or in front of the house and letting them ride the bike. Not read a book about bike riding (nothing wrong with that method too).

But, using the scenario I mention above about dating, you kind of have a general idea of why you’re not getting dates. You know the answers. But, are you willing to act. Doing things like dating or learning how to be more effective at some ultimately scary activity, means that you have to ignore your comfort zone.

Get your comfort zone and take it out back, and execute it. There’s nothing comfortable about getting in front of a stranger who will reject you, but you at least tried to ask someone out. There’s nothing comfortable about speaking in front of a crowd, but even if you bombed, you were brave enough to take action.

Situation: Self-Help Books Tell You I Did This, So You Can Too

When I learned how to ride a bike, my best friend would come over to my house, she was the only kid I knew that did not know how to ride a bike. I told her it’s super easy, just get on and start riding. Mind you, a year ago, I was afraid of falling off the same freaking bike.

She blew me off, told me she’s not getting on the bike, she’d rather watch me play. I felt bummed, I wanted her to ride bikes with me and follow me to the convenience store to get soda and candy. But, she was like “hard pass”. My solution? I told her that if I can do it, she can do it too.

So, I got her on my bike, she pushed forward and wobbled and fell into the grass. Crying ensued. I felt like an a-hole. And, let’s just say we walked everywhere whenever she came over to play.

I feel that most self-help authors want you to succeed in life, otherwise, they wouldn’t be on Oprah or giving motivational speeches. And, let me tell you those videos on Instagram are so tempting when someone is promoting their “panacea” self-help book. But, you have to understand that individuals that produce self-help books that are along the lines of “if I can do it, you can too” needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

Because, newsflash, you CAN’T do it exactly like them.

You can’t even follow their steps and receive the same results.

Weight loss self-help books are kind of designed like this. An influencer loses weight, and then boom, she’s got a new book, a new diet, a new fad and then the consumer loses everything including everything but weight.

Why does this happen?

Because we are not the same people.

I can eat a salad every day for two weeks and lose nothing! Not a single pound. My mother, who weighs a little less than me can do the same thing and lose ten pounds? How is that possible?

We have a bit of the same blood, right? Some shared genetics.

Yeah, sure.

But she doesn’t have PCOS. I do.

Solution: Just Do You

Whatever activity you are pursuing, whether you want to lose weight, better your mental health, or gain a new skill, just use other people’s experiences as a footnote and nothing more. It’s personal to them. It’s not going to be your experience. They can motivate you. Heck, there are millions of people who are motivated by Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg.

Are they going to become multi-billionaires like them? Nope.

Even if you do manage to make millions or strike it uber-rich, you still have your path. Your skills, success, advantages, and disadvantages are different from every human on the planet. Instead of being a copycat, just learn how to take some of their life lessons as anecdotes to use as a stepping stone to get you from point A to point B on your life missions.

Situation: Self-Help Books Are Promoted By Big Names, So They Must Work!

I mentioned Oprah earlier. Nothing wrong with getting your book with the Big O. Nothing wrong with promoting your book to your millions of followers. But, just because a self-help book has clout doesn’t mean it works.

Solution: Don’t be gullible

Do your research. Take action. Don’t trust everything you read, including this article. A lot of information is designed with plenty of bias, personal opinions, inflated egos, and yes sometimes outright lies. Do yourself a favor and be smart.

Did I miss anything? Do you still love self-help books? Are you addicted to self-help books like it’s a guilty pleasure? Comment below, I’d love to hear from you.