You Never Know What The Year Will Bring | Part 1

It was from one day

this year, a starting point, that

everything emerged.

***

If you had told me at the turn of this year about everything I would eventually accomplish with my writing, you would have gotten a very unladylike smorgasbord of snorting, scoffing, and tear-inducing laughter.

At the beginning of the year, I set out with this mission to dream big. Before, and I wouldn't admit this until now, I always had low expectations when it came to my writing. It's safer that way; you get your hopes too high, you end up disappointed when they aren't met. Then, for me, it becomes this endless cycle of too much pressure, being disappointed, and it sometimes leading to burnout.

But something I've learned this year is if you aren't willing to push yourself to some level, you aren't going to grow. Truly, it's about managing the pressure so it doesn't crush you. Instead, you come out at the end a diamond, sparkling along with so many of the others here on Vocal.

The Purple List

I wish I could say that this journey was all sunshine and roses. It is a old, tried and true saying, but life's a rollercoaster, and the same can be said for this year's journey. There were moments when I felt on top on the world, ready to dive into the next challenge or writing projects. Then there would times of disappointment or writer's block.

For those times of disappointment, I quickly decided I needed to have something to help boost my spirits. So was born The List.

On a page near the end of my planner - yes, I prefer a hard copy to a digital calendar - I wrote down every writing related achievement from the year. I could have typed it up, but I wanted, no, needed to have this physical thing to hold when I felt downhearted or discontented in my writing. Doing so made my achievements real to me. Sometimes, I look at it now and some of it feels surreal, like it happened to someone else.

But it helped so much, seeing those reminders when my insecurities were screaming at me. It helped that all of those achievements were connected to what other people felt about my writing and not just me. It was like this "screw you" to those negative thoughts, "look at what people think about my writing." If people believed it, then so could I.

Remind yourself of what you've achieve, even if it is a small success.

The Imposter in my Head

One thing I wasn't prepared for was this wave of imposter syndrome that nearly drowned me about midway in the year.

I felt like a fraud, undeserving of the praise and achievements coming my way, and for a moment it masqueraded itself as humility. It took some research and a timely comment to solidify that I'd been hit with a bad case of imposter syndrome.

So I wrote about it, sobbing at moments, hoping to purge myself of the onslaught of negative feelings and to share a vulnerable moment with my fellow creators. Once I hit the "publish" button, it felt like such a weight off my shoulders. And of the comments, there were quite a few that revealed their own experiences and what they did to help them out.

It's a good idea to admit your struggles because you are probably not the only one dealing with the same thing.

The Challenge: To Do or Not To Do

Presently, there has been 36 (unless I can't count, definitely a possibility) official challenges, plus many, many unofficial challenges. The hardest part sometimes was trying to figure if I was going to be submitting a piece in the first place, because of course, you can't potentially place if you don't at least try.

So every time a new challenge popped up, I would read over the rules and think about if I had the time to work on and publish a quality piece of work I would be proud of. I'm not great with very tight constraints, and the pressure increases a thousandfold to where my writing is subpar. If I wasn't going to place, I least was going to walk away knowing I did my best, maybe even better. So there were some challenges I didn't write for because I didn't have time or I didn't feel comfortable writing for because I wasn't going to be able to give quality work.

But I wanted to push the boundaries of what I thought I was possible of. Again, I wasn't going to get better if I didn't do so and every time I did, I was not disappointed.

Sometimes, it's better to miss out on a challenge than to rush a submission.

November 21st

November is almost over, and to say it's been an easy month would be wrong. It's been a rough one, thanks to sickness and this feeling I wasn't giving my best. One of those one thing feeding into another thing. When that happened, my mind went racing. I had all these ideas coming at me at one time, which was great - wasn't worried about writer's block for once - and overwhelming. I was reaching the point where I could feel myself buckling underneath all my self-pressuring

Then a few days ago, the 21st if the heading didn't give it away, I was hit with the greatest kind of reminder. The accolades, the likes, and any extra money that came with my writing, it didn't really mean anything if I couldn't touch someone's heart. With a couple of recent pieces, I had people tell me how they were affected; I cried seeing them.

I wrote down a comment in my notebook to constantly remind me of that. J.L Green wrote: "Keep the words coming, my friend, they matter."

Even if you can't always see it through the pressure-induced haze, you are touching someone's life. I promise you are.

***

Yeah, it has been quite the year and I can't believe it's almost over. When this year started, I didn't think this is how it would go. But I am beyond proud of myself and I hope you, readers, are proud of what you've done this year. I hope you went out of your comfort zone, pushed to better yourself in whatever capacity.

Because you never know what may happen when you do.