Owning a Cat Manual

Congratulations, you are officially my new owner, so allow me to introduce myself. My name is Noiz, yes, just like the damn sound. I am a Snowshoe Siamese mix cat, and I’m cute as hell.

Having a cat as a pet is a great privilege. Cats are clean, independent, not to mention very quiet when there are others around, so it's almost like we're not there, unlike dogs that are loud, very dependent on people, and can make your house go from squeaky clean to who the hell robbed you.

However, don't be fooled, we may be small and furry, but we like to be in charge. It makes us feel special, so if you'd like there to be joy and happiness in your life while I am living in your home, I have prepared a short, to-the-point manual. Review it, memorize it, because in a way, it's just like a lifeline.

To have a successful companion relationship with me, it is simple: just follow the rules, especially rule #7.

Rule number 1: There is only one diva in this house, and it's me. I rule the back yard, the streets, and I sure as hell will rule your home. My ancestors did that in Egypt, so I ain’t got no problem doing it here.

Rule Number 2: I hate everyone, hell, I might even you, but just know petting me can put you on my good list; however, you can only pet me when I want to, so, how do you know if I want to be petted?

* · I walk up to you and nudge your hand

* · When I jump on your lap, lie on you, and then meow.

If I don’t do any of those things, don’t freak out if I swat your hand or nip at it. Remember, I’m the diva here.

Rule Number 3: Food, yes, that’s right. This furball got to have it!

* · Meat – Tuna, salmon, anything fish, hell, I’ll take Sushi

* · Milk – there are special milks for cats, cow milk gives cats diarrhea (seriously, it does, you can get these special milks at a pet store.)

* · Treats – soft or crunchy I don’t just get it, you know what else is a great treat catnip, Yes, it makes us cats very happy and dumb, but there is a plant that makes humans happy and dumb too, only different is mine you can grow it and it is perfectly legal, why is your plant illegal, I really don’t know and don’t care I mean have you seen the choices people make? I mean, oh my god! I mean, yes, it's funny and stupid, but damn…anyway, back to the rules.

Rule Number 4: My bed – if it is comfy, I will sleep on it, I don’t care if it's

* · The middle of the bed (it’s your own damn fault for choosing such comfy bedding)

* · Your laptop bag was warm, I had to!

* · The kitchen table

* · The couch

* · Your laundry fresh out of the dryer, it’s warm, it smells like the countryside…do I need to say more?

Look, just get me a damn good cat bed on-line, you’re on your phone anyway.

Rule number 5: Feed me! I don’t have thumbs; I get open containers or use a can opener. So, when I am meowing at you, know, stop. I’m not gossiping about the neighbor who made a poor decision by getting a damn dog; I am meowing because I want you to put food in my bowl and give me water. Fresh water, it doesn’t have to be imported bottled water, just as long as it’s clear, clean, and has nothing swimming in it.

Rule number 6: I can’t tell time; all I know is that if the sun is up, everyone and their mother is up. So, I will be doing things at random, such as:

* · Chasing an invisible mouse (you may not see it, but the bastard is there.)

* · Playing with my shadow, yes, even at night, with the dimmest light, I can see my shadow.

* · Playing with a paper bag, I don’t know what it is, but something about paper bags just makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

And finally, Rule number 7: Don’t put outfits on me; whoever made outfits for cats needs to get their face scratched. The outfits look better on dogs and human babies than on cats.

Follow these rules, and maybe I will consider you my best friend…Maybe.