Bathe Me Clean
why we need Pride
i was once a warped girl
a fallen child
plagued by a sickness
that could not be cured by Him
it was an ailment i could not voice
the inner mechanisms of my holy mind
led astray by a bodily betrayal
haunting my darkest days and nights
tossing and turning to make it all fall silent
to ignore it, to silence my desires
i hated to see them the way i did
nausea gripped my throat when i stared at
the way they blossomed like flowers
before my soulless, treasonous eyes
long legs and smooth, bare skin
i could not look away until it was over
i wanted to scream and cry
to tear my heated cheeks from my face
to rip my beating heart from my chest clean out
i begged Him to make me change
to wrench this soul from my broken body
to bathe me clean
to decimate this body of traitorous evil, of sin
for there is no sin as condemned
as disgusting and demented
as this
even for a child
i was sick
and i knew it
and if the Lord could not save me
then i was damned
for i could never save myself
no person could save me from this Hell
they all knew what i was
a monster, a threat to all we knew
and there was no hiding this shame
my fingers were covered in it
and my face was battered black and blue
by the blows of my own resentment
Lord, bless me with your love
something has to change for me
i wish to love you as a different type of person
i wish for you to gut me from the inside out
to scrape back my flesh from my face
and make me anew in your image
to fix this twistedness about me
my withheld salvation aches in my chest, Lord
this child’s heart
is one of rotted darkness
-
First off — Happy Pride to all my fellow LGBTQ+ Vocal friends! 🏳️🌈 The world is suffering right now, but it’s important to remember the strides our societies have made for our community to keep our heads up high and keep fighting for peace and justice everywhere, for everyone.
This was a bit of a personal piece for me centered around religious trauma and guilt from a young age. I might do a few follow up poems as well to showcase where I am now with myself as an openly bisexual woman who no longer indentifies as a Christian. In so many ways I am very lucky — there are so many queer people who have been hurt by the Church or abandonned by their families because of their sexuality, and I am not one of them. But as I’m sure many queer people who belong or have belonged to the Church can relate to, there is a lot of shame. A lot. And you should never feel ashamed for being who you are or loving who you love.
About the Creator
angela hepworth
Hello! I’m Angela and I enjoy writing fiction, poetry, reviews, and more. I delve into the dark, the sad, the silly, the sexy, and the stupid. Come check me out!
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More stories from angela hepworth and writers in Poets and other communities.
Feelings Never Die
It is Valentine's Day again, and it bought back memories that were over fifty years old. It bought me back to 1971, and I woke up and I knew my baby was due today. I was big and pregnant, and I felt like I was about to burst wide open. Imagine my surprise when the doctor told my I had a due date of February 14. I couldn't believe it, and since my baby was due today, I felt I could indulge myself a bit. I had gained a lot of weight, and chocolate was on the no-no list, but I had came to the end of this pregnancy, and I hoped it would be okay, after all I would deliver this baby today. So I walked across the street to the grocery story, and bought myself, a peppermint patty, covered in chocolate, my favorite. Me and my Valentine's baby would enjoy it together.
By Susan Paytonabout 15 hours ago in Fiction
Comments (36)
Wow so deep, and such a powerful lesson. Love it.
Wonderful
very deep, kinda gruesome but in a way that seems cathartic. lovely!
Hard-hitting reminder, Angela.And hat's why self-love is important.
Hi Angela Hopefully Vocal+ Support will soon reply regarding why my insights haven’t been working because I would have ticked everyone. I have had to return to your poem a number of times to appreciate your skill and absorb your trauma. Your words ‘bathe me clean’ resonate deeply with me and my own trauma story. Congratulations on the Top Story! Thank you. It has been a privilege reading this deeply personal poem. I hope you can appreciate the impact of your words for they will stay with me for a long time: ‘ i begged Him to make me change to wrench this soul from my broken body to bathe me clean to decimate this body of traitorous evil, of sin for there is no sin as condemned as disgusting and demented as this even for a child i was sick and i knew it.’ With kindness Pauline 🌸
Great
This poem hits very hard and is beautiful. It's horrible to see how many of us have accepted that it's normal to hate themselves. We all deserve better. I have been afraid because of the threat of violence but never ashamed. I wish all the baby queers (and older queers) a lot of self-love and acceptance. Thanks for your poem. 💛
Preciosa historia 🥰
I always support LGBQT community. Always remember that God loves you.
Congratulations on your powerful top story! 🎉🎉🎉
Nice job! Every sickness can be cured by G-d!
Intensely moving and amazingly written! Congratulations on top story this deserves it! I look forward to reading more of your pieces 🫶
Emotive writing that captures... Congratulations for the deep delve and coming up top story!
a profound sense of hopelessness and suffering.
Congrats on your top story.
Very heartfelt and personal truths here. Freedom is a great feeling. Congrats.
You poured your heart out here and I feel this is a very important piece about religious terror, trauma and subjugation. I really felt this one. Hugs from me! Beautiful piece I hope you are healing ❤️🩹
And congrats for top story!!
So powerful and vulnerable.. gosh this made me ponder on the point of religion and personal freedom.
🌟🌟🌟🌟
A very powerful poem, Angela. I’ve got quite a few scars of my own from the church, they could learn a thing or two from the one they claim to worship. Congrats on a well deserved top story
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
Lord this child’s heart is one of rotted darkness. Such a beautiful peace.
So much twisted grief and pain in this poem here, really poignant. Really... sour in a way. But also so damn vulnerable. Thank you for sharing this with us. #HAPPYPRIDE Side note: if you're looking for that supportive af Vocal queer breakfast club, we're on Facebook under Queer Vocal Voices. Check it out if you're interested :)
Awww Angela🥺 Emotional yet beautifully executed ❤️ Sending lots of love and hugs!