Breezy autum nights.

Breezy autumn nights.

I sit on my steps, listening to the crickets chirping and the distant conversations of people nearby. I feel the cold, crisp air on my skin, leaving nothing but goosebumps.

Oh, how I love autumn.

But why am I questioning moving into winter? Why am I questioning whether I want to be with anyone?

I love what we have—but do I really? The waiting feels like years that don't exist, like talking to a mermaid or riding a unicorn into the future.

I’m just confused, lost, sad, annoyed, and angry. I feel as if I am waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Oh, the flashbacks to when I first met him.

He picked me up, we got ice cream, and headed towards the beach. We walked side by side, only to find out that we would break up a few months later.

But oh, how gentle and caring you were. The late-night drives to visit your father, the warm nights in when we cooked and made cocktails with just my Ninja blender.

But on the flip side of life, I am with you now.

You were the one who saw me drink away my sorrows, took my hand, and told me it was going to be okay. You stayed with me when I was sick, covered me with blankets after putting Vicks on my chest. You helped me move to my new apartment; you care for and love me.

January came, we made it official, only to break up a month later. Family issues led to heartbreak, nothing but tears and depression filling my head.

We got back together, and ever since, we've been through the wringer and back, still together—but I feel disoriented, as if I’m suffering in my own head. Ever since we broke up, my heart has been unguarded. I know I have trust issues, but this blew them off the rocker. In my mind, here we go again. But it was all different when we started dating again in late February.

Unguarded is how I feel. Every fight, every disagreement makes me wonder if you really understand me. In my mind, it feels like a loose wire sparking, little by little. No matter how often you tell me you want me, every time I think I have to wait, that wire just sparks more.

I want to walk off into the foggy, cold, crisp air in the darkness of night. I want to run into my cave, where my bed is, with pumpkin candles lit, and fall asleep listening to the crickets. There, I shall remain worry-free, with myself and only myself.