deliquium of your disintegration

i have tried

to set your pedestal ablaze,

but my curiosity,

my understanding,

my open arms,

act as a kiln

forging your base of clay

into a ceramic throne.

////////////////

the firing

and cooling

tempered perfectly

leaving your pillar

free of stress cracks.

////////////////

you told me before

you offer me nothing

and i shouldn't settle for that,

but i did

and now

you're incomparable.

////////////////

nobody holds a candle to you.

you persist in memory

and i cannot melt you

like one of Dali's clocks.

////////////////

you're made of silver,

stars,

and anguish,

and i cannot reach your

melting point.

but i'm nearing mine.

////////////////

missing you

has been as enjoyable

as hydration with kerosene

and i'm exhausted

from nostalgia,

the skin hunger,

the psychopathic

urge to spit

on campfires and

turn the world into a wildfire,

incinerating

every place

like the pacific palisades

////////////////

i cannot have you

because for that to happen

you have to let yourself

be had.

////////////////

i want to vandalize

the ceilings of the sistine chapel

and paint you over it.

i want to burn you down

like the city of rome.

////////////////

toss in the future we made a fake of,

the closeness we made miles of,

intentions we made a mockery of.

////////////////

what have we become?

years of longing,

a connection without clarity,

a shrine of what we never finished saying,

i miss you in words but not a solution.

////////////////

i am not strong enough

to throw your photographs into the fire.

even if i was,

my mind would restore what

the flames had blackened

with handblown precision.

////////////////

i cannot tarnish your altar.

you're fireproof,

stone,

sand,

basalt.

////////////////

in my twisted head,

you're attached to everything:

colors,

aromas,

my breath.

////////////////

i'm a glutton

for punishment.

in love

with heartbreak.

i cannot say

farewell to you.

////////////////

in my neurons,

it's fire and brimstone.

my cerebrum

can picture hell

in seconds.

it's every day

i exist

without you.

////////////////

i let you burn me down

and i willingly add

the kindling.

i capitulate

to your patterns

of avoidance.

i acquiesce

to your consistent

inconsistency.

////////////////

your aversion to

simple reciprocity.

how we disagree

on agreeableness.

to hear a yes

from you,

i'd need to pull

it out of

your throat

with

my hands.

////////////////

your blasé deportment

is a scorched-earth

approach to love

and my mental health

see-saws

between fortification

and complete

deterioriation.

////////////////

i'd walk

over hot coals

to get to you.

roast like a

rotisserie.

transmutate

into coal.

////////////////

fifteen hundred

days of wonder

could end

tomorrow.

the worst part is

you know

it could.

////////////////

but i won't ask.

i've been burned

by you

too many times.

////////////////

cannabis roams

the air

and i remember

your car.

your novelty

that hasn't worn off.

////////////////

i remember that girl.

the female Prometheus,

who lit a fire in me.

////////////////

missing you

is my oxygen.

time has lied to you

if you think i've burned out.