How to grieve when you cannot stand feeling anymore
Based on Queen Anne’s grief of losing 17 of her children. Inspired by “The Favourite” by Yorgos Lanthimos
she careens the sullen halls searching for a cry that has been struck out of existence
She calls in a flutter of tears that bellow as a warm baby’s swaddling song
When you swaddle your hands like an infant’s after the tightening in your mouth floats down into your chest
She has forged a secret bond like a secret relationship to something she never had
As Dickinson lamented of a liquor she never tasted but longed to have brewed
The name was ringing like a broken bell in my ear, splitting my brain like a broken clock that tells time too fast
I must never catch up
Her wailing for a bundle of something she cannot catch up with
The ashes that fell on the earth
Made the night careen upon her swollen body
She prayed, oh so deeply did she pray
To stop the bleeding, the deepest aching pressure that existed like molten cracks in her skin
She fell, cracking wide open
Exposure to elements that felt like a whole new world
To grieve for the first time after hating how much pain you’ve experienced
How sad it made you feel
I saw it in Anne’s eyes
I felt inside my own gaze
How to breathe when there is no air
It was only for naught
But it was everything even with the little things that swept away
everything, so deeply everything, everything that ended, that started, that became the existential part of just breathing
The soreness that never ends inside her heart like a broken bell that obliterates and obscures the soul’s flesh
Mapping out each and every loss
How to pray when God feels silent
Everything that means anything
It’s when she vanished into the stream of her blood that wished to create life
That she died, reborn into anguish that relieved into
Pray harder, cry harder, dream harder
“I can’t stand the cold color of death.
I long to taste the light that never shined.”


Comments (2)
Omggggg, she lost 17 children??? What happened to them? Loved your poem Merly!
WOW losing 17 kids. BLESSINGS to the Heart of Healing