too many things have happened
lots of them have fallen
they are shorter, and they have swollen
they have taken my chosen
and apt commitment for wine-tasting
—and there goes my fun-loving sweet tooth
—my grand marksmanship for throwing out
the bad sweets so that I may keep the sweeter ones
in a room full of all these
my favorite "cheek-fillings"
i'm sure that I will forever, and with no hesitation
faithfully follow my own bold, hand-drawn signs
that point to things that I've earned
and am now deemed to deserve:
a gummy cheese tray that collects condensation—
no seeded, hairy fruits to elect—
no leafy, stalk-bed ornaments—
NONE.
(c) Anarda Nashai
September 2008
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Anarda Nashai
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Interviews with a Big Black Broad: Sessions #7
Interviewer: When did you began to seek professional help to treat your BDD? BBB: I'm sure it's not surprising that I was reluctant. I was complacent in dealing with my issues on my own up 'til the age of 28. I hid from mirrors. I would dwell in front of mirrors. I took down mirrors. I put them back up. I spent all my money on food, alcohol, makeup, hair products and expensive girdles of all kinds. I hid from the world for days and weeks on end. I drank to endure those moments when I gave in to the mounting pressures I felt to rejoin the world even when I felt the worst about myself. The annoyance of having to deal with a disorder that caused me to focus so much on myself had also taken its toll on me. I wasn't a purposefully vain person. I wasn't someone who would choose to be so self-consumed. I wanted to travel the world. I loved people and wanted to meet more of them from all walks of life. I didn't want to assume that everyone who stared at me only did so because they saw someone ugly. I needed the courage to live the life I ultimately wanted. How could I live any longer without being able to face myself in the mirror? Without being able to leave my house without being inebriated in some way? So, I faced the fact that I would remain stuck in the same positions in my life (literally) if I didn't at least try professional help.
By Anarda Nashai7 years ago in Psyche
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