To my Ex-BFF (Part 2)

I still dream of our transformation

From innocence to self-destruction

Like copilots on a sightless mission

‘Something in the water’ situation

Monster with two heads abomination-

That’s harsh; monster is an exaggeration.

More like a two-car collision

Or a laced blunt rotation

Or two bad choices for an election (too far?)

Didn’t know I leaned in a queer direction

But maybe that’s why your rejection

Felt like a painfully botched operation

(Cue my gay humiliation...)

Recall asking each other that question?

Freshman year, a mutual confession?

A shared suspicion of homo-sexualization?

‘It’s normal & will pass’ was our conclusion

(which is laughable in retrospection)

But I still believed it at graduation,

& at college orientation,

& as I cried about our separation.

I was in denial about my prioritization

Of you over my college education;

I'd drive 3 hours at your suggestion

Because I thought we defied categorization.

We won “best friend girl/girl” nomination

Thus ruling out romantic affiliation -

At least, that was my bible on rotation,

i.e., my go-to rationalization:

"Not gay, not gay, just hyper fixation,"

Or too much pot inhalation,

Or standard alcohol intoxication.

Just the only person in the nation

That I could join on vacation

Without boredom or frustration.

The first person in the nation

To say I was 'pretty' with conviction.

You're a known master at flirtation;

Is it that shocking of a realization

that through our constant association

And acting like married companions,

there were blurred lines & confusion?

Whether or not you gag in repulsion

This was never my intention

Nor is this some sort of invitation.

You were my friend, not to mention

In the end, our friendship connection

Was only a tired imitation

Of the best time during spring vacation

When my brother got 'Mr. Popper's Penguins'

And we acted out our own rendition

Of the Hunger Games sensation.

Why do friendships change after menstruation?

We enabled each other's destruction

& Used depression to justify rebellion

Via mutual drug experimentation.

I was a wholly complicit companion

And I dealt wounds to you in addition

To denying our unsavory position.

Our grip caused blood flow restriction

Double cardiac arrest with no resuscitation

And that’s it. That’s our final destination.

Alive in this slam poetry imitation.

10MB of iPhone storage you’re taking

“Memories,” says the notification

Photos of us in digital mummification

Arm & Arm in nostalgic commemoration.

But just for the sake of precision

Did I love you, or the situation?

To be your obsession

In line with the direction

Of your singular attention?

Like a sniper operation

The little red dot finds its location

On my heart, trigger to termination.

I can picture you reading this in dramatic imitation

Out loud to friends, laughing at my narration

And I accept that final evisceration

With my chin up in calm observation

Knowing your laugh is a distraction

From your own insecurity and inhibition

So maybe I’ll see you from a distance

On my journey to self-actualization.