What's a Heart to Do?

Things I haven’t said out loud

That thought alone is a little scary.

Things that I’ve wondered in the back of my mind

Even while my mind has wander off into a beautiful oasis

I wonder about my sexuality

I wonder about my choices in relationships

Mostly due to the relationships I’ve experienced before.

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I wonder what the world would like

Behind those prideful glasses?

I wonder what I would feel

From the touch of a woman

Compared to a man

I wonder what it would be like to admit that dark and dirty little secret?

Would you see me as a monstrosity?

Would you see me as sick and unlovable?

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I severely question my likes and dislikes

Sexually

Because of the traumas

I’ve unfortunately experienced

Have those things shaped what turns me on?

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It’s not the first time

I’ve questioned my sexuality

It’s not the first time I’ve thought about

The soft texture of a woman’s lips

Or the abrasive strength of rough male hands.

I’ve written things

That have even made me blush.

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While I sit back and support my friends

It makes me sit and think

About the future of my love life

Whether it’s going to begin again

Whether it’s reached an end

Whether or not cobwebs will grace me

~

I’ll admit I had a sexual attraction to female friends before

Maybe she would understand me more?

Maybe she wouldn’t?

Would I ever find that perfect someone?

Would I be too afraid to try?

Healing from a traumatic relationship

Changes something in you.

It makes you second guess.

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Times coming to an end for the day

Got to turn in and get some sleep

I think about him often

I think about what I had

What was lost

And I wonder about the future

Wonder if anything would have ever changed

*Sigh*

Tomorrow’s a new day

A new opportunity