Winter Inside

I don’t know when I went numb,

exactly

somewhere between “I’m fine”

And the fifth time I meant “help.”

﹁﹂

My feelings started wearing coats,

thick ones,

buttoned to the throat

So nothing could get in

or out.

﹁﹂

Even good news sounded far away,

like music from another apartment

through thin walls.

I’d smile,

But it didn’t reach the rooms inside me.

﹁﹂

I kept my hands busy

laundry, emails, dishes

The holy trinity of avoidance.

﹁﹂

At night I’d lie awake

watching the ceiling

like it might offer a forecast.

Still cold. Still cold.

﹁﹂

Then one morning I cried

over a cracked lip balm

and it felt ridiculous,

but also… real.

Like a faucet turning.

﹁﹂

I made tea and held the mug

until my palms warmed up,

until my chest remembered

Heat is allowed.

﹁﹂

I’m thawing in small truths:

I miss people.

I get lonely.

I deserve soft.

﹁﹂

It’s slow.

But winter doesn’t get to live in me forever.