My Life, A Series ...

My life ... The Story so far ...

Season 1: A Life, Hidden

My life becomes a series of hiding myself away, repressed and depressed, living in a dark and lonely closet.

My life becomes a series of self-hate and fear, told I’m a sinner for so long, I start to believe it.

My life becomes a series of shameful spirals and broken anguish; dressing as me brings joy, before guilt destroys hope ... each time.

Season 2: A Life, Shattered

My life becomes a series of failed decisions and poor judgements, nothing goes how I expect or want, believing I may be cursed.

My life becomes a series of painful losses, the year of family losses leaving its mark, leaving me hidden from all, even myself.

My life becomes a series of accidents and injury, bruises and more, blood spilled in order to live, yet a road collision helps break the shell.

Season 3: A Life, Pained

My life becomes a series of lost loves and crushes, giving my heart to those that can't accept it ... not that they knew.

My life becomes a series of unrequited loves, looked on from afar, never daring to speak up ... except that one time, for that one person.

My life becomes a series of giving them nicknames to reduce the pain; Umbrella girl, The Smiling Guy, Christmas tree girl, Girl with the sea-storm eyes … and of course … her.

Season 4: A Life, Re-calibrated

My life becomes a series of endless medications gladly taken daily to make the outside match inside.

My life becomes a series of repeated conversations with family and friends, ‘no, you don’t need to know that!’, ‘yes, I’m happy and I know it’s permanent!’

My life becomes a series of impatiently waiting for growth and change. Seriously … where the heck are my boobs already!

Season 5: A Life, Abandoned

My life becomes a series of watching people leave and slowly stop responding, as initial words become empty gestures to inaction.

My life becomes a series of fearing I will lose the family dearest to me through the decisions of others, control out of my hands.

My life becomes a series of ‘slips of the tongue’ as old names and incorrect pronouns are used without concern for me.

Season 6: A Life, Restored

My life becomes a series of lengthy discussions with God in reconciliation, a faithful daughter restored to loving embrace.

My life becomes a series of waiting on God’s timing and grace, knowing and trusting the twin star to me is coming.

My life becomes a series of doing my best to put things in the hands of one far greater than me, one who I know loves and cares without boundaries.

Season 7: A Life, Craved

My life becomes a series of beginning to find my smile and a reason to continue on each day, now renewed.

My life becomes a series of trying to find my purpose in this world now I finally found myself, I know the "who", just need to learn the "why".

My life becomes a series of really struggling to wait for God to reveal my person. Seriously big guy … Can we hurry this up!

And Now ...

Season 8: A Life, Wanted

My life becomes … whatever I want it to be now, without looking back ...

My life becomes … a journey forward each day ...

My life becomes … so much more!

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My 150th piece for Vocal ... I wanted it to be something a bit special and a bit different. So this is an exploration of many facets and parts of my life, not strictly in chronological order, but presented in a 'episodic season' format - with each 'season' being themed around an aspect of my lived experiences, and representing a portion of my life ...

It is intentionally written in a way to focus more on exploring the themes out of order and there is no link between the number of seasons and episodes and my actual age, so good luck figuring it out from this!

Each 'episode' (line) contains a link to another of my pieces on Vocal, so if you wish to explore more of my life through that, please feel welcome.

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This poem started as a writing exercise as part of a writing workshop for LGBTQIA+ writers in my area of Sydney. While it took a life of its own and became something in itself, I think it's worth acknowledging inspiration from the poem we looked at in that workshop; "Season 1: 12 Episodes" by Rebecca Jessen from her book 'Ask Me About the Future'